This Full House Archive

Tag: new jersey mom bloggers

Doofus Domesticus vs Phasma Phasmatis

Exhibit A: Came home to find the cat's dish and cereal bowls neatly stacked in the living room.

Exhibit B: Where they were when I left the house, this morning.

Exhibit C: Doofus-Dawg avoiding eye contact which, clearly, is an indication that he's got something to hide….not to mention, he can reach the sink AND the stove…PINHEAD!!!

Truth be told, the fact that he neatly stacked the bowls, when he was done…you know…cleaning them…is sort of freaking me out…okay, more than just a little…or, maybe we have ghosts.

Either way, I wonder what it will take to get them to fold the laundry?

Since, you know, I can't get my kids to understand that the dish washer is dirty….DAMMIT!

On the other hand, I could just let the dog take care of it, seeing as he doesn't seem to mind licking the floors and vacuuming the crumbs off the carpets, either.

But, THEN what would I complain about?

© 2003 – 2011 This Full House

March 30, 2011
Mom Blogging Pain Scale

My mom and I were talking and both happened to glance outside her kitchen window and watched, as my 9 year-old tried to get her 15 year-old sister, who was reading a book at the time, to play with her.

Judging by her stomping off and kicking her brother's scooter, it was pretty clear to the both of us that her attempts were, you know, unsuccessful.

"I think she caught us looking."

Because, the kid quickly turned and thought better about leaving the scooter in the middle of the cul-de-sac.

"She's going to kill me, that one is."

Okay, I know, yes I was being overly dramatic (sort of) but, after 17 years of raising kids (and killer dust bunnies) I'm pretty tired at this point in the game.

Does it show?

I fully expect that they (i.e. non-parental units living in my house) will figure this out, soon enough, especially once I finally get those iron bars mounted to their bedroom window(s).

"It's never easy, no matter how old your kids get."

My mother was right, of course (just like with most other things, as I've learned over the years) I swear, she's got this sixth sense about her.

It's like the woman knows what I'm thinking, or, at least, what she thinks I need to hear.

"Nope, you never stop being a parent."

How DOES she DO that?

Then, it hit me (as the most obvious things tend to do) like a smack to the forehead.

"Moooooooom, can you PLEASE do something about her?"

It's called validation and pretty much the reason why I started contributing to the blogging community, almost 8 years ago, in the first place.

"What would you suggest…hanging…crucifixion?"

My 15-year-old suggested that a burning at the stake to be more than sufficient.

Contrary to the latest blogging statistics and demographics, I chose to go outside and scooter, instead!

"Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!"

Un-motorized, even.

[sound of crickets]

Silly mom bloggers.

Edited to Add: I drew the Mom Blogging Pain Scale (not bad, eh?) but, the photo was taken by my 15 year-old and she doesn't know that I used it (yet) but, she will be okay with it, once she sees that I gave her full credit.

[heavy sigh]

Blogging used to be a lot easier, you know?

© 2003 – 2011 This Full House

March 28, 2011
Then Again, If We HAD Won the HGTV Dream Home, What WOULD I Blog About?

Some experts would say our house is eclectic — you know, where stuff doesn't match, on purpose — but, I like to call it, "Early American Yard Sale."

Or, what's another word for not so gently used?

Aaaaanyway, I was SO EXCITED about winning the 2011 HGTV Dream Home — YES, I KNOW!!! — the one in beautiful Stowe, VT, SO EXCITING, right???

Until, some other guy won it (JERK!) okay, not really.

The winner is a stay-at-home dad, lives somewhere near Chicago, with a growing family and a small house, too.

Aaaaand they used to live in Jersey, so YAY (sort of!) although, I would have been much, MUCH more, you know, visibly excited.

Does no one jump up and down, or do the happy dance, anymore?

Every year. The same thing. I've had to curse someone out…for winning, MY HOUSE…but, I'm slowly getting over myself.

Frankly, there are folks out there who would love to be able to live in a house…let alone, own one…broken as ours is.

At the end of the day, my kids call it home and, well, our house has got good bones.

In fact, I wrote a post, 3 years ago, about the 13 things I haven't managed to break…YET!!!

So, I thought it would be sort of fun to revisit them and see if, you know, stuff still works.

Blogged 2008: My beloved blow dryer I've had it so long, I don't remember when I bought it, and I believe that blow dryers – sort of like, dogs – begin to take on the characteristics of their human counterparts.

TODAY: It's a little dinged and gets overheated, sometimes (you're welcome!) but it still works!!!

BLOGGED 2008: G.G.'s table. My mother-in-law gave us this telephone table. It belonged to her mother.

TODAY: Still have the itty-bitty chair, too, but I've since moved the violet to the kitchen (yes, it's STILL alive…see?) because, this one time, during summer camp, I forgot to water it…then, over-watered it…and, well, you can't see the BIG old water stain…can you?

BLOGGED 2008: Mr. Dyson's Opus. What, doesn't everyone name their housekeeping buddies? Oh, dear Mr. Dyson, how I love this vacuum cleaner.

TODAY: We set a place for him at the kitchen table.

BLOGGED 2008: G.G.'s Christmas Cactus. Another gift from my mother-in-law (because, she must really, really like me) this is a cutting from her father's Christmas Cactus and is about a bazillion years old.

TODAY: It FINALLY bloomed one, lonely, little flower (I even blogged a picture of it, just last week) but, the cat ate it…damnit!

BLOGGED 2008: The Refrigerator. Yes, it's still running and the very first appliance purchased for the house, when we moved in 15 years ago.

TODAY: 3 years and 2 refrigerators, later (dang, but some appliances break easy) we had to move the new one to the other side of the kitchen. I imagine we'll need a new house for the next one…sheesh!

BLOGGED 2008: Creeping Charlie. Charlie's not very happy with me, at the moment. Don't know why, though. He's got the whole corner, to himself.

TODAY: You are very sadly missed, Charlie.

BLOGGED 2008: China cabinet filled with pretties from Hungary. Because, I keep them ALL behind glass and Garth (not his real name) cleans it…'nuf said.

TODAY: He doesn't clean it, anymore, either and I just tell everyone that it's for philanthropic reasons, as we're currently housing a colony of dust bunnies, rent free.

BLOGGED 2008: Sir Fig Newton. Some of my best childhood memories are from trips visiting family in Hungary and picking fresh figs from my Uncle's tree. It was HUGE and had a rope swing hanging from one of its branches. This one, not so much. I've always wanted a fig tree and finally bought a young plant, last spring.

TODAY: I planted it in our backyard, last summer. Then, it snowed…and snowed…and snowed…and, well, you know…it's been a real tough winter…but, yes…it is STILL alive…that's right…because, it's a Jersey fig, bay-bee!

BLOGGED 2008: The cookie jar. We received this cookie jar on our wedding day…GULP…nearly 18 years ago. Yes, it's still in one piece. Nope, not even a chip. I'm just as surprised as you are, believe me. After 4 kids, 2 cats…etc…etc…yep, this little jar has seen a LOT of action!

TODAY: Going on 21 years now and, well, none of us need to be eating any more danged cookies. So, I hid it in my pretend pantry…shhhhhh, but don't tell Garth (not his real name) he doesn't need to know…in fact, feel free to grab a cookie, or 20!!!

BLOGGED 2008: My sneakers. I bought these when The Boy started kindergarten and, trust me, they have seen a LOT of mileage. When doofus dog sees me putting these puppies on, he knows, it means maybe…just maybe…we are FINALLY going out for a walk!

TODAY: He's just too danged tired to even care what I'm wearing, me either!

BLOGGED 2008: These are MY geraniums. All of these pots are from cuttings off of a plant I received after Thing One was born, 14 years ago.

TODAY: They've continued to bloom…more and more, every year…me, too.

Aaaand, lastly…but, certainly not least-ly…the Doofus-Dog. He's lucky I haven't killed him, yet.

TODAY: What, with that face? Besides, his faith in me is virtually unbreakable…no matter how much I may curse him…out loud.

Besides, if I really DID win the HGTV Dream Home, then, my friends, this post would never have happened.

[sound of crickets chirping]

Stupid HGTV!!!

© 2003 – 2011 This Full House

March 23, 2011
She’ll Make the O List, For Sure

My youngest daughter is a habitual list maker. This weekend, I found this one taped to the kitchen wall.

Funny, these lists are almost NEVER for her.

I'm beginning to think that the kid has figured me out.

I mean, seriously, after 17 years of raising kids (and killer dust bunnies) not to mention, having yet another anniversary of my 29th birthday creeping around the corner (conspiring with the dust bunnies, not doubt) I sure could use the help.

Besides, she almost always ends my day with a snuggle and, well, how awesome is that?

Then, I read Dad's to do list.

She thought it best that he switch into his pj's, before eating dinner (practical, right?) but, on second thought, crossed off the snuggling part.

Why?

Because, the kid also knows that it takes Garth (not his real name) less than 60 seconds to, you know, fall asleep.

That, or the Doofus-Dawg has beat him to the punch and there's just no more room, dangit.

Conclusion: That girl, right there, is going to make a great organizational expert, one day, right?

Or a few thousand hours on some therapist's couch.

Either way, be sure to watch for her on Oprah.

© 2003 – 2011 This Full House

March 15, 2011
Where some kids throw tantrums, mine just buy lottery tickets.

I have a confession to make. Ready? Here it goes:

I love grocery shopping!

Weird thing (besides my loving grocery shopping) is I never used to like it and would much rather push an old-fashioned reel lawn mower through a field of sticky balls than have to spend half the day in a supermarket.

Now that my kids are older, well, I cannot run out of the house, or get to the grocery store, fast enough and not just because they eat stuff, all gone, without even being asked to, either.

"Where you going?"

It's nice to have kids old enough to not have to, or necessarily even want, to come with me, even if it's just to the grocery store, really it is.

"Food shopping."

Or, at least I thought.

"I want to come."

[heavy sigh]

"Me, too!"

Aaaand, not because they really, really, like me, either (trust me, I live with me, I know) still, I'm thinking, it's nice outside, the sun is shining, the grass is, uh, really wet, meh, why not, right?

Later.

"Here…why don't you guys go and buy a donut, or something!"

[eyes go wide]

"Don't worry, I'll find you."

The shopping trip was taking much longer than I expected — not to mention, more expensive by the minute — and, well, I just needed a moment to regroup and build up enough strength to get through the meat aisle.

"Can we have tacos, tonight?"

Another thing about having older kids…eventually, they WILL find you…first…no matter how hard you try to hide.

"Oh, WOW, not for what they want for their chopped meat!"

Good thing my kids like pasta, a lot.

"I'll be right back!"

My youngest (she's 9) has this habit of not having to explain herself, to me, because, clearly, I am psychic.

"I'll go with her!"

Ah, the joys of older kids.

"Okay, I'm almost done here."

Much later.

"I'm sorry, mom, but I couldn't stop her in time."

Oh, and one more thing about older kids, they sort of just show up, out of nowhere, and love to give me mini-heart attacks.

"What did you do?"

I put the last of the bags into our cart, when the child lifts her chin up from off her chest, bites her lower lip and announces in a clear voice, that she used the change from Dunkin' Donuts to buy one of those scratch-off lottery tickets.

"HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW IT'S ILLEGAL!"

Honestly, I didn't know whether to laugh, or cry.

I mean, the lottery vending machine was right next to Redbox, which was right next to the bubble gum machines and, well, I guess the poor kid just really, really wanted tacos for dinner.

"She was too short to see the sign about being 18 and nobody was stopping her, either, mom."

That's because the kid was being real quiet about it and nobody ever notices a quiet kid, right?

Scratch. Scratch. Scratch.

"Good news is, no one is going to jail."

[eyes go wide]

"What's the bad news, mommy?"

[tosses ticket into trash bin]

"Looks like we're having pasta tonight!"

Stupid grocery shopping, dumbass economy!

© 2003 – 2011 This Full House

March 9, 2011
Parenting Tip #43,100,688:
Don’t Have a Helmet, Get One!

Besides, the fact that we are perhaps the only family, with four kids, and the youngest nearly in double-digits, who has never been to Disney World (meanies that we are) a lot of people seem to be surprised when they learn that my kids can't ride bikes, either.

Without training wheels, I mean.

I don't know why, really, I guess my kids just never really got into them and then scooters were a big thing, so, there's that.

"I want to learn how to ride a bike!"

My youngest, however, wants to learn how to do everything — especially, if she's the first kid in our family to, you know, do it.

"Okay, maybe this summer."

[hands on hips]

"That's what you ALWAYS say!"

Unfortunately, she wants everything, like, RIGHT NOW, nevermind that there's been snow on the ground for the last couple of, uh, what month is it, again?

"What do you mean?"

Because, you know, I'm quick like that.

"Like, about the ladies stuff?"

PSA: About to head into female territory and references to lady parts will probably come up, once or twice.

"Oh, that."

Yes, I admit it, I've been putting off having "the talk," and with good reason, too!

"I mean, I know what the pads are used for, already!"

She is the youngest. She also shares a bedroom (and bathroom) with her two oldest sisters. The girl sees stuff, hears things, even when she's not supposed to and, well, at this point, I'm kind of worn out and really was hoping that maybe she'd sort of just, you know, figure it out.

"It's so you could catch the pee you missed and sort of drips off, right?"

[sound of crickets]

Aaaaaand, so, Hope and I had a really nice chat, last night, and, I am happy to report that pee was not even mentioned.

"Remember when I was little and you used to give me a bath?"

[heavy sigh]

"Aaaand, you pulled my pants off and I made you scream?"

[eyes go wide]

"Because, I wanted to be like Holly and Heather, so I put a pad on!"

[bites lower lip]

"Except, I put it on…sticky side up."

Oh, yeah. I forgot about that.

"Aaaaand, you laughed so hard, you fell backwards and hit your head!"

True story (it hurt!) and I'm sure it won't be the last time she tells it, either.

"Why aren't you laughing, mommy?"

Stupid puberty!

© 2003 – 2011 This Full House

FRESHLY-BREWED REVIEW: Breaking the Silence of Abuse, Depression and Suicide

February 22, 2011
You Say Bribery, I Say Schmibery
Either Way, It’s All UPPERCASE To THEM!

My youngest loves to make lists; this one from the day after New Year's, when my husband came down with another mancold.

Living in a houseful of girls, who insist that shoving stuff into corners and hiding dirty clothes under the bed is, you know, cleaning, I sometimes forget that we have a son.

I don't mean, like, I forget to pick him up from school (which is a good thing, seeing as my kids go to four different schools) or, that he's not listed on our tax forms, or anything.

It's just that, you know, boys are different.

Although, I really DO have trouble remembering which is which.

Whose idea was it to pick girls names, all starting in the same letter, anyway? Oh, wait. that was me, never mind.

Aaaaanyway, what was I saying?

[watches dust bunnies dancing in the sunlight]

Oh, yeah. The boy's room is almost always clean and WTH is it with Ladies Rooms, anyway, RIGHT?

[sound of crickets, chirping]

So, raising 2 teens and 2 tweens, I seem to have also picked up the annoying habit of, you know, SPEAKING LOUDLY!

"What's for dinner?"

"Pork chops and apple sauce."

[5 mins later]

"What's for dinner?"

[sigh]

"Pork chops."

[10 mins later]

"What's for dinner?"

[heavy sigh]

"Pork."

[one beat, two beats]

"What's for…"

"I DON'T KNOW!"

[covers ears]

"Ooooookay. Why you hollerin'?"

See, no wonder kids think parents are weird, or, maybe it's just me (shuddup!) but, I'm happy to say, that I have recently happened upon a brand new parenting tactic.

Long story, short (I know, too late, thanks for reading and has anyone ever told you how pretty you really, are?) bribery was not involved.

"What's wrong with Heather?"

"She's sick."

Then, my 17 year-old woke up with a migraine.

"What's wrong with Holly?"

"Sick."

Then, my 12 year-old son got down on his knees and began to beg.

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze, I've only had one sick day!"

To save time, I didn't even bother waking up the 9 year-old (you know, what's her name, kinda short, sort of looks like me, likes to make lists?) and instituted a "mental health day," at the beginning of this week, with one proviso:

"You will have to clean your room and I mean holiday clean!"

Aaaand, I didn't even have to use UPPERCASE!

[cough, cough]

"What's the matter with Glen?"

The kids have a 4-day weekend.

"He's sick."

And, were all supposed to sleepover my parent's house.

"But, we still get to sleep over, right?"

To save time, I didn't even bother to get dressed.

"Where's Glen."

"Oh, he's home, watching pay-per-view, waiting for me, some chocolate donuts and a medium-sized coolata, DAMMIT!"

My parents didn't even bother to ask why I was still wearing my pajamas.

Morale of Story: Why, yes, I am totally full of pork chops…AND APPLESAUCE!

Stupid 4-day weekends.

© 2003 – 2011 This Full House

Freshly-brewed Review: Breaking the Silence of Abuse, Depression and Suicide

February 19, 2011
Parenting Tip #93,018,833:
Perfect Hindsight is 20-20
Give or Take a Lifetime

PhotoCredit: HeatherrMarie

I have been accused of being an emotional person upon occasion, or twenty (I know, act surprised anyway, okay?) which means that I absolutely suck at Texas Hold 'Em.

[eyes go wide, hands begin to shake, sweat beads form on upper lip]

I'm ALL in, before all the cards are dealt, even.

"CALL!"

Which, of course, also means that I cannot fake my way through a situation, even if my insurance rates depended on it.

"Why no, officer [hands being to shake] I didn't realize [sweat beads forming on upper lip] that my taillight was [GAH!!!!] yes, yes, I'm sorry, my left headlight is out, too!"

My husband, Garth (not his real name) on the other hand, well, he has this philosophic calm about him and the way he handles confrontation.

Which, of course, also means that he says totally nonsensical, idiomatic stuff, like, "It is what it is," and, "Can't ask a leopard to change its spots," or, my favorite "Six to one, half a dozen to another," NOT!

Unless, you make me cry.

[eyes go wide, hands begin to shake, sweat beads form on upper lip]

Then, my friend, he is not above reading the riot act, to anyone, not even the Queen herself, as quick as you can say Jack Robinson, in the 3rd person, even.

"All persons, being assembled, shall immediately disperse and peaceably depart to their habitations or to their lawful business on the pain of being guilty of an offense for which, on conviction, they may be sentenced to death by idioms, for life."

[blank stare]

"All-uh-yuhs, just get off her back, will yuhs!?!"

Morale of the Story: May you have the hindsight to know where you've been, the foresight to know where you are going and the insight to know when you have gone too far.

Short Version: Don't make my husband have to go all Jersey on your sorry ass!

God Save the King of Idioms, Garth (not his real name) thanks for having my back, yesterday!

Love always,

The Queen of Dorks (herself!)

© 2003 – 2011 This Full House

February 14, 2011
Breaking Bread

My 15 yo ripped into this piece of bread, right after the following conversation, and, well, it's a sign, I tell ya'!

Soup. Bread. Growing up, these were the staples in my mother's pantry. Today, at our house, they remain at the top of the food pyramid (yes, soup is a food group, dangit!) as a meal I am absolutely confident ALL four of my kids will eat, on purpose.

"What's for dinner?"

[heavy sigh]

"I DON'T KNOW!!!"

Yes, I know, I'm using uppercase (AGAIN!) understand, that I've probably answered the question, three times, already and, well, judging by my middle girl's not skipping a beat, I really wasn't hollering, that loud.

"Do we have any soup?"

Of course.

"Is it Mama's soup?"

My mother's homemade chicken soup? On a weekday? SACRILEGE!

"Mama makes some kick-butt soup!"

Some days are better than others, to be sure (especially, with aging parents) and, truth be told, sometimes, conversations do tend to become tiresome (most especially, when being scolded, by your aging parents, at 40-something-or-another) but, it just wouldn't be Sunday, without it.

"Yes, yes she does."

On the other hand, swallowing one's pride, every now and again, can be sort of healthy for you, too, right?

"But, no, it's not Mama's soup."

That, my friends, is what Sundays are made for.

"Okay, but do we have bread?"

Always.

"I just LOVE bread!"

Me, too.

© 2003 – 2011 This Full House

February 9, 2011
Parenting Tip #13,100,785:
Anything Boys Can Do, Girls Can Do Better!
Unless You Live in Our House
Or, Happen to Play the Clarinet!

Hey, look, finally, a post that has absolutely NOTHING to do with the weather (anyone mentions anything about snow and the ground hog gets it!) however, I will say that we're each getting a little sick (and tired) of all the closeness, around here.

"Girls go to college to get more knowledge!"

Especially, my two youngest children.

"But, boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider!"

See what I mean?

"That's not right!"

Thank goodness, the two oldest girls have my back.

"You mean, more stupid!"

Sort of.

"Keep it up and ya'll going to Jupiter!"

Long story, short (you're welcome) at our house, the war of girls vs. boys has been going on for quite some time now and, well, if you ask me, it really doesn't matter (whether you're a boy, or girl, I mean) they're ALL driving me nucking futs, too!

"Smart Alec said that playing the clarinet is stupid!"

Et tu minivan?

"What did you say?"

Hope's first choice was to play the flute [cringe] but, I told her maybe the clarinet would be, you know, way cooler, considering there really aren't enough female clarinet players in the world.

"I told him maybe he should think about playing the clarinet, then!"

[snort!]

"How many clarinets does it take to change a light bulb?"

Either way, it just occurred to me, that I forgot to ask what instrument Smart Alec plays.

"Clarinets don't have light bulbs, STUPID!"

Then again, I guess it really doesn't matter.

"Hey, you just passed our house!"

Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala.

"Where are you taking us, Mom?

[blows bangs out of eyes]

"Next stop….JUPITER!"

Stupid ground hog!

© 2003 – 2011 This Full House

February 2, 2011