This Full House Archive

Tag: blogs

Worming HIS Way Into Motherhood

Having been my children's primary care provider (i.e. Mom) for the last 17 years (I know, I'm old, SHUDDUP!) I look forward to impromptu school holidays, like Columbus Day, when I don't have to cook, clean or do anything special (like, cook or clean) normally associated with celebrating more traditional gift-giving and feasting-type holidays.

I kind of get excited when my husband, Garth (not his real name) happens to have the day off, too!

Still.

Working from home does have its disadvantages.

"When is So-and-So and What's Her Name coming over, again?"

We're helping a couple of friends out by sitting their kids, today (what's two more, right?) and by we…of course…I mean, Garth (not his real name!)

"I'm going to make a worm box!"

Aaaaand, I have to be honest, I am feeling a little threatened at the moment.

"Cool, can we help!"

Honestly, a worm box?

So, I went outside (seeing as I showered, got dressed and everything) to take a look at this fantastical worm box.

Aaaaand, not ONLY is it a fantastical way to get kids outside (so, mommy can get a jump start on a couple of writing projects this week) not to mention, actually convincing them that something low-tech, like digging for worms is, you know, fun (their names are Jeffrey, Skittles and Bob) but, Garth (not his real name) got a chance to demonstrate his multi-tasking skills, by cleaning out my shredder, too.

DAMMIT!

"Do you need any clean clothes for your trip, tomorrow?"

Aaaand, I'm okay with that AND totally crushing on my husband's feminine side…today!

(Disclosure: Garth (not his real name) just reminded me that my son and his friend wanted nothing to do with the outdoors and now they are ALL folding socks.)

Boys, however, ARE stewpid!

(Disclosure: I was able to convince the boys that…yeah…they REALLY would probably rather be outside, too.)

I win!

© 2010 This Full House Blog / This Full House Gone Shopping

October 11, 2010
I See a Gray Hair
And I Want to Dye it Black!

So, I did — aaaaand chopped it ALL off, too — 'cawse, us forty-something-or-another moms are edgy and totally reckless like that.

AM SO!

LINKY LOVE BYTES:

Check out the Official Wordless Wednesday HQ

Wordless Wednesday on 5 Minutes for Mom

Tag,
you're it: Wordless Wednesday

© 2010 This
Full House Blog / This Full House Gone Shopping

October 6, 2010
7 Truths About 7 Bloggers, Maybe

Having recently entered my 8th year of blogging (I know, I'm old, shuddup!) I feel it safe to say that…why, YES!…I am very, very versatile (AM SO!) and not because my friend Mrs. Schmitty said so, either.

[throws check in the mail]

Coming up with new, light-hearted and entertaining stuff to write about is hard (I know, sorta hurts to read, too — sheesh, but Monday's a ROUGH crowd!) keeping in mind that not EVERYONE who stops by here is necessarily interested in reading about non-controversial stuff (I know, act surprised, anyway) or, the fact that it just so happens my blog is ranked #1 on Google for, "it's your birthday make a mess" is even harder (yes, it's a word!)

Still, there are those who would beg to differ (I'm not quite sure what is wrong with them, either) and I am very, very, honored to be able to call them…my friends!

No payment, necessary.

So, yah, I am very pleased to accept The Versatile Blogger Award (thank you and please don't cash that check until Friday, okay Mrs. Schmitty?) and now I'm supposed to tell you 7 truths about myself and then pay my award forward to 7 bloggers.

[the sound of many doors, SLAMMING!]

Are they gone yet?

[phew]

Good. Aaaand, if you're STILL here, well, just know that there is a special place in heaven (or, a close facsimile thereof) for those who indulge professional dorks, like me.

So, for your reading pleasure, 7 Truths About 7 Bloggers…Maybe:

(more…)

October 4, 2010
If You Give a 14 Year-Old PlayDoh

Nope, you are NEVER too old for PlayDoh!

BONUS points if you can, uh, guess which 14 yo is, you know, mine?

LINKY LOVE BYTES:

Check out the Official Wordless Wednesday HQ

Wordless Wednesday on 5 Minutes for Mom

Tag,
you're it: Wordless Wednesday

© 2010 This
Full House Blog / This Full House Gone Shopping

September 29, 2010
Home is Where Your Drywall Hangs

We are ALL major Ty Pennington fans (okay, mostly me) so, last night, the kids and I settled in on the couch and watched the premiere episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.

The design team surprised the Boys Hope/Girls Hope chapters in Baltimore — you can watch it here, if you, you know, feel like having your heart squished.

"You crying already, Mom?"

Not even five minutes into the show, man, and I was reaching for the Kleenex.

Then, Ty let the families know that Girls (and Boys) Hope will be getting full four-year college scholarships (including room, books and board) this time, my kids were reaching for the Kleenex and I think a couple of them even started to cry.

"Maybe we should apply to be on the show, Mom!"

Oh, if I had a dollar for each time I wished (out loud) for Ty to come crashing through the drywall, well, it would be nice to actually quit using our garage…as a basement.

Never mind, worrying about how in the heck we're sending our kids to college.

"There are A LOT of people who need help more, right Mom?"

Always. Still. It WOULD be nice not to explain that, you know, we don't decorate in early drywall…on purpose.

Then, Ty started interviewing the families.

"We never let my daughter know that we couldn't afford to send her to college."

I grabbed another tissue and cursed myself (in my head) for not thinking and doing the same thing.

Oh, it's NOT like we're going around saying stuff like:

Heather: "I want to go to Boston University."
Holly: "I'd like to go to Italy and study art."
Glen: "I want to go to Rutgers."
"Me: Well you can ALL just FUHGHETABOUTIT!"

But, practically speaking:

Me: "That WOULD be nice, maybe, I dunno, we'll see."

Then, my youngest (she's 9) snuggled in closer.

"Well, I love my home."

[bites lower lip]

"I think our house is perfect for us, right mommy?"

[squish]

I do now. And, if I didn't, I certainly would NOT say it (out loud) not anymore.

"You need 'nother tissue, Mom?"

Hang the drywall, stupid economy!

© 2010 This
Full House Blog / This Full House Gone Shopping

September 27, 2010
Don’t Knock Knock It, If you Haven’t Washed and Dried It!

Kids. They WILL say the funniest things and, more often than not, parents ARE their main source of entertainment.

Knock knock. Who's there? Repeat. Repeat who? Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who.

Aaaaand, well, you get it, right?

Knock knock. Who's there? Kanga. Kanga Who? No. Kanga ROO!

Oh, we pretend laugh (or, not) and act like, you know, we've never, EVER heard that one, before.

Knock knock. Who's there? Cows. Cows who? No. Cows go MOO!

[heavy sigh]

Happiness is…your family. They're the people you love.

Then, they learn how to write and, well, all that pretend laughing you did seems to have paid off.

Until, you turn to the page.

Happiness is…an Xbox.

Doesn't matter that in 2006 (when my son wrote this entry into his 1st grade book binding project) we did NOT even have an Xbox.

Happiness is…friends. I like to have play dates with them.

Or, that we don't have any machetes (not in the house, anyway) or, swords [looks closer] okay, but it's a PRETEND light saber!

[heavy sigh]

Either way, a teacher once told me (please, don't ask me which one; we're talking approx. 80 parent teacher conferences, over here):

I'll believe half of what your child tells me about you, if you believe half
of what your child says about me.

Until, my son (he's in 6th grade, now) showed me his homework – write a set of directions; it could be how to get to your house, of a recipe, or how to play a video game – and guess which one he picked? Go ahead. I'll wait.

This Full House (the game) Directions: You have my mom and you must walk around picking up clothes to put in the laundry. While the clock is ticking down you must put more and more clothes in to add on time. If time runs out you lose!

At least, he got this one right and, well, his penmanship has improved, considerably, don'tcha think?

[sound of crickets chirping]

So, um, anyone heard any good knock knock jokes, lately?

[blows bangs out of eyes]

'Cawse, next week is back-to-school night (4 of them, to be exact) and I got nothin'!

© 2010 This
Full House Blog / This Full House Gone Shopping

September 17, 2010
Bringing the Dumb

Would you believe, I was a REAL "Boy, she has it ALL together" type mom? Once. YES, I WAS, DAMMIT! You wouldn't know it now [blows bangs out of eyes] but, I even used to bake my kids homemade birthday cakes.

"That was the doctor's office."

Now, they consider themselves very lucky if I remember their birthdays…at all.

"She says we are WAY over due on our well visits."

I was supposed to take them in August. It's STILL September, right?

"Fine."

So, I added, "call pediatrician," to the monstrosity that is my to-do list; nevermind, try to find an empty space on the calendar.

What? Yours, too?

[shakes head]

Aaaand, it's only September, right?

"I left you a note on your laptop."

Now, I have to write stuff on 2 calendars and then punch it into my cell phone, just in case, you know, I forget to look at the calendar.

"And I sent you a text."

10 years from now, however, my children will undoubtedly remember their mother as being a discombobulated mess.

"Thank you."

What they fail to see, however (along with the wet towels left to ferment along the bathroom hallway) is, in my discombobulatedness (yes, it's a word!) I have played an important role in teaching them good organizational skills.

"Um…where is my cell phone?"

Aaaand, keeping them motivated in practicing those skills.

"It's probably in your car, Mommy."

Probably. Since, I spend most of the time, sitting in it, or driving it (mostly, sitting) especially, this time of year.

"I left you a note…too…bye…LOVE YOU!"

My 9 year-old, being the youngest of 4, is also advanced proficient in self-preservation and, after almost 10 years (or more, I forget) of fighting our way in and out of carpool lanes (i.e. they ARE the devil) the kid's got the stop, drop and ROLL thing down to a science!

"I love…"

Too late. She was out of the car and passed the bus lane. 3 seconds more and I could have saved the kid a couple hundred bucks worth of therapy.

"She NEVER could say I love you!"

[heavy sigh]

Then, I found her note.

Aaaand, well, you know. Yes, my brain is mush. But, I kind of, sort of, love the fact that my kids leave me little love notes…just like the ones I used to send…in their lunch bags.

Until, I read the second one.

Apparently, she really, really, really, really, really, really wants to be able to use the gift card…she got for her birthday…way back…in June.

It is STILL September, right?

[shrugs]

So, along with the fact that the gift card is good until June of 2012 (thankyouverymuch!) I added a little note of my own.

"I love you too, sweetie and good luck getting your card back!"

[eyes go wide]

What? So, I'm a discombobulated mess (DAMMIT!) but, I am NOT stoo-pid, you know?

© 2010 This
Full House Blog / This Full House Gone Shopping

September 15, 2010
Barefoot Parenting
(Pants ARE optional!)

Playing the concentration game, on the fitness trail, while being bombed with acorns by militant squirrels, it's a gift.

Balance. Either you have it, or you don't. Then again, maybe you're one of those people who, over the years, have taken one too many nose dives into the asphalt and learned to NOT over-complicate a situation by, you know, wearing shoes.

[sound of crickets chirping]

No? Okay. Perhaps you're one of THOSE people who stop, look back and are all like…WHOA!…did you see that?!? Then swear that it came straight out of the ground (whatever it was) grabbed you by the ankles and, you know, face meets asphalt, the end.

[cricket]

Allllllrighty then.

"Shouldn't you be wearing shoes?!?"

Me? I used to wear heels. Until, I had kids. Now, I have enough trouble strutting my stuff on the sidewalk (without falling down) or, maybe it's my bohemian roots, beginning show (among other, more grayish ones, I mean) and perhaps, I should just change my name to Agador Spartucus.

"Shoes make me fall down!"

Who knows? Since turning 40-something-or-another (closer to another, if you must know, DAMMIT!) maybe, I'm just getting back in tune with the earth (ahem!) like that hippie dude on Dual Survival and his…um…friend…who sort of remind me of an old married couple (cough!) with kids (cough, cough!) but, DAYUM if they don't make for entertaining television.

Hey. Hang on. There's a novel idea. Perhaps I should start evangelizing the benefits of "barefoot parenting!"

You know, I can be the minimalist and primitive skills expert, trained in counterbalanced living and suburban preparedness…like, yes, she's texting (AGAIN!) but, they ARE outside and what if one of them breaks an arm, or something, right?

With 17 years of combined tween and teenage survival experience…like, yes, he's wearing low rise, skinny-something-or-another…but…um…at least, he's NOT playing a video game, right?

Balance. It's ALL a matter of perspective. Sure, I can insist he pull his pants up (DAMMIT!) then again, this picture wouldn't be half as funny and, more importantly, just fade into yet another missed opportunity in increasing my "Break curfew again, bub and I'll show your girlfriend," arsenal, to boot!

"Um, mom?"

Maybe THEN the Discovery Channel will give me my OWN show!

"Mom?"

Aaaand, I will FINALLY get to go to an island!

"Mommy?"

Where no one cares who you are (or, aren't) where you are from (originally) and that you weigh more than what's on your driver's license (ahem) or, that you've worn white (AFTER Labor Day) with pink underwear (cough) and forgot to shave your legs, AGAIN!

"Mom?"

Oh, but there IS a bed (dogless, catless, hairless and MATCHING pillows) a VERY large bathroom (with a double sink) with room service (a sun-kissed-20-something-or-another with, dark eyes and a wicked tan) giving you undivided attention and an endless supply of fruity cocktails…FOR FREE!

"Mommy?"

Aaaand maybe then (and ONLY then) will the tired, frustrated and gravity-challenged parents of the world (like me) truly unite and achieve GREATNESS!!!

"Mooooommeeeee!"

[blink, blink]

"It's okay that you're driving in your pajamas, right?"

Except on Mondays, then ALL bets are off, DAMMIT!!!

© 2010 This
Full House Blog / This Full House Gone Shopping

September 13, 2010
September 11, 2010
The Names Continue

Originally published for the Imperfect Parent September 11, 2008 — republished here, as the reading of the names continue — I will never forget…

(more…)

September 11, 2010
Children of the REAL Jersey Shore
(Now with MORE zeppoles!)

Wake me up when Septemberrrrrr ends!

I love the beach this time of year. The fresh, salty air is a bit chillier, which makes the water seem much, much warmer and, well, most of the Bennies (i.e., the cast of the Jersey Shore, mostly, ironically enough) have ALL gone home.

"When was the last time we were at this beach, again?!?"

I get it. I was young, once (shuddup!) and could NOT wait for Friday nights, in the summer, when we'd head down the Parkway to Seaside Heights and/or Wildwood Crest and sneak into bars study the bible, ALL weekend long!

"I remember, Momma, it was when we showed Dana the ocean!"

I'd forgotten. Yeah, it really was the day we introduced my bloggy friend Dana to the ocean — she's from Wisconsin!

"Has it been THAT long?!?"

Sadly, my kids have outgrown Jenkinson's Boardwalk.

Glen's 1st trip to the boardwalk — Jenkinson's 1999

It really is just the right size for little ones; ALL tuckered out by nap time (me, too) and we'd be loooong gone by the time the Jersey Shore night life, you know, woke up.

"I thought that ride was SO MUCH bigger!"

Then, before you know it, YOUR kids meet the maximum 48 inches to ride and, well, you know, you can't go back.

"Can we get zeppoles?!?"

Yesterday, however, was a GREAT day to get out (considering, September also translates to, "school holiday," in Jersey!) and housewife is such an oxymoron, dontchathink?

Mmmmm….the view inside a big bag of zeppoles (pronounced as zep-poh-leez) or, fried dough, drowning in powdered sugar, if you're NOT from Jersey.

"Noooo, I want funnel cake!!!"

Mmmmm…of course…(or, auf-cawse, if you're from Jersey) there's ALWAYS room for funnel cake!!!

"Wanna eat it on the beach?!?"

Bet you did NOT know we had palm trees, or blue skies, here in Jersey, right? Are they real? You know, I really don't know.

"This was really an AWESOME day, Momma!"

What we DO know is that there's SO MUCH more to Jersey than what some reality t.v. shows would care to admit, sort of.

"Too bad you ran outta money for the rides!"

Of course, it most likely will not be the one that my kids remember but, let's NOT go there…just yet…m'kay!?!?

© 2010 This
Full House Blog / This Full House Gone Shopping

September 10, 2010