This Full House Archive

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The Maude Squad

WHAT?!? I know. But, it's been a looooooooooooong, cold, winter and, well, the novelty of playing in the snow has worn off, two storm systems ago, to the point where my two youngest are actually, you know, playing with their Christmas gifts.

Please understand that I am in no way advocating gun play…for real…my children are old enough to know the difference and, as you can see, they are also wearing protective eye gear.

Okay, now that we're clear, continue making yourself comfortable and let's talk about sex education.

[the sound of many doors, slamming]

Believe me, having had the talk and embarrassing my two oldest children with stories of how my Eastern European-raised parents and I, you know, did NOT talk (about sex, or anything to do with one's body, from the neck, down, I mean) hence, my believing that…OMG!…French kissing WILL get you pregnant…so, yeah, trust me…I know how you feel!

Personally, I sort of like reinforcing the fact that we, older parental-type units have our hangups, too.

It's hard, you know?

On the one hand, I want to be totally open with my children (sort of) then, again, it's hard to decide how much information they really need to hear, or not. Not to mention, control when, where and who they, you know, hear it from (DAMMIT!)

So, we were watching The Golden Girls the other night.

SLAM!

WHAT?!? I know. But, they also enjoy watching the History Channel, along with Broadway musicals on PBS (yes, WITH ME!) and, well, I believe in providing my children with a well-balanced television viewing experience, too (i.e. no iCarly…EVER!)

"What's impotent mean?!?"

Et tu, Golden Girls?

"Go ask Daddy."

WHAT?!? I already had the talk…twice…YES!…with my son, too!

It's time my husband, Garth (not his real name) ponied up a little help from his end of the gene pool, too.

His explanation?

"You know how what happens sometimes when you first wake up in the morning?"

Oh, wait, this IS gonna be good!

"Well, when a person is impotent, it sometimes doesn't happen, anymore."

[eyes go wide]

"You mean…THEY CAN'T PEE ANYMORE?!?"

SNORT!

Yes, I mean, NO, I explained it a little better (I think!) after I stopped laughing, long enough to blow my nose, compose myself and, you know, speak, of course!

"Mommy, what's impotent mean?"

My 9 year-old daughter, not so much.

"Something we can talk about…later!"

WHAT?!? It does NOT get any easier. I mean, seriously, they don't start teaching sex education until the 5th grade and, well, she IS my youngest and probably knows way more than I do, already.

[sound of crickets chirping]

Wonder what's on Biography, tonight?

© 2003 – 2011 This Full House

February 7, 2011
Sundays in My City:
Beware the Icicle Slayer

I know, I know, enough with the snowmaggedon posts, already. Still. This winter has made for some really beautiful pictures — here in Jersey, anyway — like these ice swans captured by my 15 yo, in our backyard, the other day. She's majoring in photo journalism and, well, the girl has a great eye, no?

Oh, and the icicles? They are EPIC this year. I'm so glad I took this shot outside our den/guestroom/laundryroom/playroom…before they ALL melted.

Or, before my oldest (a.k.a. Holly the Icicle Slayer) got her hands on them and, truth be told, having caught a glimpse of her darkside, you'd never know that, IRL, she's really an Italian literature and arts major, right?

I was a little frightened for the wreath's safety.

So, I thought it was probably a good idea to, you know, step back and put down my brand new camera, frigalicious as it is (yes, it's a word!) not to mention, put away the rest of the Christmas decorations…I know…shuddup!

But, not before grabbing this shot, as she claimed her trophy and, well, thank goodness her little brother wasn't home to, you know, turn it into a weapon and pretend it was an ice saber, or something.

Before it melted, of course — Happy Sunday!!!

To see other scenes from around the world, check out Unknown Mami’s Sundays in My City.

Oh, and feel free to clean off a chair, sit down and visit my photo journal or my Flickr photostream.

© 2003 – 2011 This Full House

February 6, 2011
You See, This is EXACTLY Why I Love Reading Other People’s Blogs!

It's been a rough couple of days/weeks/months here at This Full House of sticky socks and crunchy feet.

Without going into too much detail (you're welcome!) for fear of boring you to the point where you experience permanent decrease in vision, or your head explodes (I know, too late, stay with me here, just a little longer, okay?) it's just the typical drama that goes along with living in close quarters, in the wintertime and raising kids, who are old enough to, you know, talk back.

Which, in the long term, is a good thing, seeing as my children will most definitely display brilliant moments of absolute resilience or, at the very least, be able to hold their own in a conversation.

Me, not so much.

I'm just too gosh-darned tired to argue and, may the parenting gods on high forgive me, but, I sort of like it when I hear other seemingly rational and somewhat more educated people, you know, complain about their kids.

Inevitably, the guilt sets in, hard, and typically in the darkest of moments — like, hearing when a family in one of our schools suddenly loses a child — and, well, I just can't imagine living without either one of mine.

Until, the next time my oldest is running late, my son leaves his jacket behind, or my youngest interrupts a conversation, while my husband, Garth (not his real name) and I try to convince my middle girl that parents are NOT, you know, as dumb as we seem (which is most days, btw) well, every day, it's something, right?

[sound of crickets chirping]

So, there I was, just sitting here, at my desk, minding my own business (sort of) reading other people's blogs (hence, last parenthesis) when the most amazingly fantastical thing happened.

The sun came out.

Then, suddenly…um…uh…funny, I sort of forgot what the heck was bothering me in the first place.

Aaaaand, well, I just love that, you know?

Happy Love Thursday!

UPDATED TO ADD: Due to a sports-related emergency (Gatorade blew up in son's gym bag) he found his jacket in the front office, today (YAY!) but, seems to have misplaced one of his wrestling shoes (Ummmmm) bet you didn't know they cost an arm (possibly a leg, even) or, that there was such a thing as wrestling shoes, either, right?!?

© 2003 – 2011 This Full House

February 3, 2011
Parenting Tip #13,100,785:
Anything Boys Can Do, Girls Can Do Better!
Unless You Live in Our House
Or, Happen to Play the Clarinet!

Hey, look, finally, a post that has absolutely NOTHING to do with the weather (anyone mentions anything about snow and the ground hog gets it!) however, I will say that we're each getting a little sick (and tired) of all the closeness, around here.

"Girls go to college to get more knowledge!"

Especially, my two youngest children.

"But, boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider!"

See what I mean?

"That's not right!"

Thank goodness, the two oldest girls have my back.

"You mean, more stupid!"

Sort of.

"Keep it up and ya'll going to Jupiter!"

Long story, short (you're welcome) at our house, the war of girls vs. boys has been going on for quite some time now and, well, if you ask me, it really doesn't matter (whether you're a boy, or girl, I mean) they're ALL driving me nucking futs, too!

"Smart Alec said that playing the clarinet is stupid!"

Et tu minivan?

"What did you say?"

Hope's first choice was to play the flute [cringe] but, I told her maybe the clarinet would be, you know, way cooler, considering there really aren't enough female clarinet players in the world.

"I told him maybe he should think about playing the clarinet, then!"

[snort!]

"How many clarinets does it take to change a light bulb?"

Either way, it just occurred to me, that I forgot to ask what instrument Smart Alec plays.

"Clarinets don't have light bulbs, STUPID!"

Then again, I guess it really doesn't matter.

"Hey, you just passed our house!"

Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala.

"Where are you taking us, Mom?

[blows bangs out of eyes]

"Next stop….JUPITER!"

Stupid ground hog!

© 2003 – 2011 This Full House

February 2, 2011
The House Next Door

It's sad, really. A lonely, frozen, barren, wasteland comes to mind. Gloom crashes in like icy waves, extinguising all of the warmth from my body, culminating in a moment of complete and unavoidable despair.

The sadness is overwhelming.

It clouds the eyes and turns my thoughts toward darker days.

This house is old. The woman living inside is even older. At 104, she has outlived her children and even some of her grandchildren. What have her eyes seen? How many times has her heart been broken and…yet…it continues to beat?

It's amazing, really. A sturdy, unsinkable ship comes to mind; made with strong hands and bound by family ties that, although broken long ago, weathered yet another storm.

Yes, this house is old. The woman living inside is even older. It is her home.

Grace lives there and her next door neighbor's name is Hope.

© 2003 – 2011 This Full House

January 29, 2011
Do I Love Him?

I haven't slept with Garth (not his real name) since, Christmas!

[eyes go wide]

In the same bed, I mean, SHEESH!

We've been married for 20 years and, well, as Doofus is very willing to demonstrate (DAMMIT!) the couch can be pretty comfy, too.

Still, our kids are getting older, we're feeling old-ish (more and more, everyday, dammit!) I guess life is just rubbing our nerves raw, at the moment.

Okay, you can cut the tension with a cotton ball and the hardest part is, you know, pretending like our kids don't notice.

Oh, we're fine — just in case you were wondering or someone closely related to us happens to wander in here and read into stuff he, or she really shouldn't.

SLAM!

It's just real hard to wake Garth (not his real name) once he sits down, poor guy, so it's just easier to let him sleep with the dawg, while I watch Fiddler on the Roof, for the bazillionth time, right?

[the sound of crickets chirping]

Still, it also raises one very important question:

(Garth NHRN)
Do you love me?

(Me)
Do I what?

(Garth NHRN)
Do you love me?

(Me)
Do I love you?
With kids in 4 different schools
And this cruddy flu going around
You're upset, you're worn out
Go inside, go lie down!
Maybe it's indigestion

(Garth NHRN)
"I'm asking you a question…"

Do you love me?

(Me)
I'm a dork!

(Garth NHRN)
"I know…"

But do you love me?

(Me)
Do I love you?
For twenty years I've washed your clothes
Cooked your meals, cleaned your house

PAUSE: Okay, so Garth (not his real name) does ALL of this too (maybe, even more) but, that's NOT the point, here! Continue:

Given you children, milked the cow (no, not really, SHEESH!)
After twenty years, why talk about love right now?

(Garth NHRN)
The first time I met you
I didn't think we'd last the day
I was scared

(Me)
I was shy

WAIT A MINUTE: Okay, for those of you who knew me B.C. (before children) you can all STOP laughing now! Continue:

(Garth NHRN)
I was nervous

(Me)
Truth be told, so was I

(Garth NHRN)
And now I'm asking,
Do you love me?

(Me)
But, I'm such a dork!

(Garth NHRN)
"I know…"
But do you love me?

(Me)
Do I love him?
For twenty years I've lived with him
Fought him, laughed with him
After twenty years the couch is his
If that's not love, I ask you, WHAT IS?

(Garth NHRN)
Then you love me?

(Me)
I suppose I do

(Garth NHRN)
And I suppose I love you, too

No, it doesn't change a thing, but even so, after twenty years, it's sorta nice to know — not to mention, hear myself say it out loud, pretend my blog is a stage and that I sing REAL good, too!

Move over, Doofus (the dawg, I mean!)

© 2003 – 2011 ThisFullHouse.com

January 21, 2011
Sundays in My City: Winter Blues

Smoke 'em if you got 'em!

To see other city scenes from around the world, check out Unknown Mami’s Sundays in My City.

Oh, and feel free to clean off a chair, sit down and visit my photo journal or my Flickr photostream.

© 2003 – 2011 This Full House Blog / TFH Gone Shopping

January 16, 2011
Love = 167.225472 m2

Our house is about 1,800 square feet — that's the equivalent of some folk's swimming pools, here in Jersey — and it looks even smaller, from the sidewalk.

Understandably, it's hard to imagine 6 people living in such a house.

"Wow!!!"

It's really funny to watch first-time visitors walk through our front door, stare up at the high ceilings, blink both their eyes, rapidly, as they try to center their gaze on the back wall, some 25 feet or so away and then, you know, physically stumble.

"It looks a lot bigger on the inside!"

It's an optical illusion, really — not to mention, they've just seen the biggest room in the house — still, we get by.

Unless, someone gets sick (which, during creeping crud season, is pretty much once a week) or, we're hosting a sleepover (what I like to refer to as, slumberless parties) when no one is sick, of course!

"Wait, how many kids DID you invite?"

Aaaaand, well, reorganizing a corporation could NOT be anymore challenging than rearranging our house.

"Where DID you put them all?"

Considering, my brother and I were raised in an even smaller house (6, including the bathroom) it's funny to think that my own mother had trouble visualizing the logistics of making room for 10 more very-near-to-their-adult-size teenagers.

"Only 5 of them stayed over."

[whispering]

"Where are they?"

You know what's even funnier?

Watching my husband, Garth (not his real name) both eyes darting left, right and then left again, several times and finally gingerly walk through the front door, expecting a surprise attack, land minds, or something.

"Relax…they…are in the girls' room."

It's quite ironic, really — considering, it's hard for friends to imagine how all 3 of my daughters share the same room and, you know, live to complain about — then again, at least they have a bedroom door.

"Don't they want more room?"

[shrugging shoulders]

"Apparently, not."

Until, about 1:30 in the morning.

"Sorry, mom, but we sorta got hungry."

Judging by all the empty cans of soup AND containers of chocolate frosting, I found tossed in the kitchen sink, I would say so.

"You know, you coulda stayed in the living room?"

[shrugs shoulders]

"It's no big deal."

I know (DAMMIT!) still, over the years, I've learned to be careful not to complain about the house, too much — no matter how frustrating, stressful or claustrophobic it may be, especially, in the wintertime — and most especially, NOT in front of my kids.

Seeing as it's, you know, their home, too.

"Besides, my friends think our house is all comfy-cozy inside."

Aaaaand, well, I just love that, you know?

Happy Love Thursday!

© 2003 – 2011 This Full House / TFH Gone Shopping

January 13, 2011
Hump Day Diddy Dumbs:
The Sound of Mucinex

The kids tag-teamed being sick over holiday break and, at last count, it was my youngest daughter's turn…shhhh, but don't tell her, okay?

Oh, not to worry, we experienced bright and shiny non-crud-filled moments, together, too.

Like, during our annual New Year's Eve movie marathon, we watched Fiddler on the Roof and one of our (okay, my) ALL time favorite musicals, ever, The Sound of Music.

That's a combined total of 355 minutes (or, 5.916666667 hours) of unadulterated, pure as alpine mountain air, nerdy nirvana and, well, yes, we are THAT family of geeky Broadway buffs blurting out lines from old show tunes at the dining room table.

Wanna come for dinner? No problem. Dress casual. Bring a face mask.

Aaaaand, for your musical pleasure, here's a little something, just for you, with slightly adjusted verbage, to compliment the suckage:

Yes, we're barely alive with the help of Mucinex
With muck we have flung for like a thousand years
The crud fills their lungs with the sound of mucus
My heart feels like it's gonna drown with every cough it hears

It makes me want to beat the creeping crud out of them
just from total lack of sleep
I just want them to breath (dammit!)
makes parent teacher conferences seem like a breeze

To cough so hard it makes them trip and fall
god I hate that their feeling this way
To cough through the night
and sleepwalk through the rest of the day

I go to the pills when my heart feels all achy
I know I will hear what I've heard before
Their lungs will be blessed with the sound of Mucinex
And I'll sleep once more

Dinner's at 6-ish, you're welcome!!!

[This is an unpaid, unsponsored and undoubtedly the dorkiest post I've written in, well, what day is it? Aaaaaanyway, just be glad I didn't post the video I made of myself, you know, singing it, stupid sleep deprivation.]

© 2003 – 2011 This FULL House Blog / This FULL House (Re)Views

January 5, 2011
Curse While You’re Thinking
It Saves Time (In Jersey, Anyway!)

Queen Latifah (love her!) gives a really great interview in Parade Magazine, this week:

"There's something about growing up in New Jersey that prepares you for whatever you might encounter around the world. We're not afraid to go places."

Having lived in Jersey, all my life, I feel it safe to say, "What she said!!!"

Contrary to what many other people may think (about people from Jersey) specifically, about moms like me…ahem…we really do know how to use our words and, although we tend to speak with our hands, some of us more than others…ahem…Jersey Girls know how to use their inside voices, too.

[sound of crickets, chirping]

Unless, you've had someone home, sick, since Christmas Eve and then get dumped on by 3 feet of snow (a.k.a. Snowmaggedon) causing you to convince a typically understanding 15 year-old (note: she was the one sick on Christmas) that…YES!!!…celebrating unbirthdays is waaaay cool (IS SO!) oh, and that shopping for last minute New Year's Eve snackage is awesome AND fun (see previous parenthesis) then, some unfortunate a$$hat decides to take your parking space.

[inhales]

You know, the one you've been patiently waiting on for the last eleventy hours.

"ARE YOU FRICKIN' KIDDING ME!"

[puts car in park, rolls up sleeves, swallows gum]

"What are *bleep*ing blind, can't you see me *bleep*ing waiting ovuh-heh?"

[inhales]

"Yah, well, a very Happy *Bleep*ing New Year, to you, too, you morrrrrrr-RON!"

Aaaand, this is about the time I remembered that, you know, my 15 year-old was still in the car and, judging by the look on her face, I just earned myself another reason why I won't be accepting Mother of the Year, again, or anytime soon, for that matter.

[rolls window down]

"Yeah, what SHE said!"

Then again, looking on the bright side, my kids are getting older and, well, worst case, they won't be afraid to call out bad behavior when the see it.

[rolls window up]

"Um…what the heck is an A$$hat?"

Aaaand they seem to be able to show much more restraint than, you know, their mother, already.

"Someone who says or does something, stupid, without thinking."

On the other hand, the lesson would have been MUCH MORE effective if, you know, I had thought to roll the window down…first.

"Can I say it?"

[one beat, two beats]

"Only if someone really, really deserves it!"

So, Happy New Year, everyone…except you.

[rolls down window]

"You stupid, parking-space-stealing, a$$hat!"

What she said!

© 2003 – 2011 This FULL House Blog / This FULL House (Re)Views

January 2, 2011