This Full House Archive

Tag: raising tweens and teens

  • Parenting Tip #2,189,562: Talking to Your Kids About Sex, Drive and Let Them Do ALL the Talking FIRST!

    I was in the 5th grade when we were herded into gym class to watch someone’s mother (or, maybe she was an older sister, I forget) as she wrestled with a “sanitary belt” (I know, I’m old, shuddup!) and we wondered what in the heck the boys were doing, right at that moment.

    I first French-kissed a boy in the 6th grade, in between a chain-linked fence that separated the baseball field from the basketball courts and spent the next few weeks in absolute terror until one of my friends finally convinced me that…uh, no and DER!…you can NOT get pregnant from kissing.

    Aaaand, thus ends the extent of my education into womanhood.

    Then, I had children and I swore up, down and sideways that MY kids will not be afraid to ask me ANYTHING about, well, EVERYTHING!

    “Mom, what’s an erection.”

    (more…)

  • Raising a Manchild (Kind Of, Sort Of!)

    Mom and Glen

    12 years ago, on the 23rd of January, at 2:05 p.m., I gave birth to a son and, although your sisters could not wait to meet their new baby brother, I was terrified at the thought of raising a manchild.

    Holly and Glen
    You see, like your sisters, I'm a girl (AM SO!)

    Glen and Heather
    I know how girls think (sort of!) although, I'm not saying that they are any better (or, worse!) it's just that, I don't know, boys are different.

    Hope and Glen
    Then, just as we started getting used to each other (kind of!) you became a big brother and a real good one, too…by the way…even when you would find your G.I. Joes and Power Rangers, left accidentally on purpose, half-naked in the bath tub, surrounded by bald-headed Barbie dolls. 

    Garth NHRN and Glen

    Girls are weird, I know (they get that from daddy) still, now that you are 12, going on boyteen, I can't help but wonder…OMG!…how in the heck did we get here?

    Happy Birthday Glen
    Where DID the time go…can't we hold onto your childhood, just a little while longer?

    Hope's Card Front Hope's Card Back

    Then again, according to your baby sister, you ARE a man (how awesome is that card, right?) and she's absolutely right…you're awesome…next I'll tell you something you don't know.

    Glen and Me
    Yesterday, at 2:05 p.m., you made a wish and, although I can't promise it will come true  or, that growing up will get any easier (dagnabit!) I will always be your mom, no matter what (yes, REALLY!) aaaaand, you will probably be way taller than me, too…DAGNABIT!

    Happy Birthday, I love you, BIG GUY!

    © 2003 – 2011 This Full House

  • Reason #91,034,199 Why I WILL NOT Be Pregnant at #BlogHer10!

    I dropped the kids off at my folks' place today and it's, like, back-to-school quiet around here.  Good thing, too, seeing as I'm not even packed, yet.

    "We're hungry!"

    Last week?  Sucked donkey balls (that one's for my friend, Surprised Mom) and, well, good thing I am the master of spontaneous parenting.

    [looks in fridge]

    "BREAKFAST…it's what's for dinner!"

    So, tonight, I'm sitting here, at the kitchen table…ALL…BY…MYSELF…and listening to absolutely nothing…except, for the sounds of my husband Garth (not his real name) making dinner.

    "Stir fry sound good, for you?"

    Sure, I'm a little hesitant about leaving the kids (with my parents, I mean) still, they are getting older and basically take care of themselves (my kids, I mean) especially, if there's cable and a microwave nearby (oh, I kid, sort of) and my oldest girls are really GREAT at holding down the fort, in an emergency.

    "Do you mind if I head over to Kohls?"

    This week, I spent 90 minutes at Dress Barn on Monday and all I got was a stinkin' scarf (cute, but it still sorta stinks that I couldn't find anything else) to show for it.

    "Okay, but I have to tell you something."

    Which is really code for, "This way, I don't have to look at you," in teen text.

    "But, I don't want to tell you over the phone."

    Aw, crap.

    Long story, short (you're welcome) here's the gyst of what happened…in bullet points:

    • Hope (she's 9) has been asking me, every other day, to tell her about where babies came from
    • At that very moment, on each of those days, I've had exactly 5 minutes, to spare
    • Hope got tired of waiting
    • Hope asked her brother, Glen (he's 11) where babies came from
    • Aaaaand, he told her.

    Because, I already had "the talk" with Glen — thanks a lot, Garth (not your real name!) — and, well, the boy was doing me a favor.

    The girls punished him, anyway.

    "What he say?"

    Bulleted version:

    • The husband lays on top of the wife
    • He shoots this fish-like thing inside her
    • It buries itself into one of the wife's eggs
    • The egg grows inside the wife and turns into a baby

    Aaaaand, he was right…mostly.

    "Put him on the phone."

    So, I un-punished Glen, scolded Holly and Heather (seriously, who's the mommy?) and promised to have "the talk" with Hope…aaaaaafter, I get back.

    Morale of the Story: Kohls RAWKS, cell phones are NOT the devil and my husband's stir fry tastes even better…cold…pregnant…or, SO NOT!!!

    In the meantime, look for me at BlogHer — I'll be the tall, dork-ish one texting her kids — trying to convince my youngest two that Headless Mom, you know, really does have a head and my oldest two that her blog name has absolutely NOTHING to do with sex!

    I think.

    © 2010 This
    Full House Blog     – All Rights Reserved.