This Full House Archive

Tag: raising teens and tweens

Fun With Keyword Analysis

Blogging is hard! Blogging while under the influence of children is even harder! Blogging with teenagers living in your house? Okay, picture this: it's sort of like attempting to recite the Pledge of Allegiance…backwards…while riding a bicycle…naked…uphill…in the snow…with two flat tires and a missing seat.

My two oldest will tell you: (left) UGH, no (right) YO!

It's daaaaaanged near impossible to blog, especially these days. Not without exposing myself to some serious hurt, I mean.

[rubs backside, reaches for Ibuprofen]

And yet, here we are — just you, and me, and this here broken bicycle. RELAX, I am wearing clothes. As far as you know, anyways.

[double-cringe]

Aaaaanyway, so don't get me wrong. Yeah, I've been blogging for 11 years. And no, I do NOT consider myself an expert — of anything other than the insanely awesome super power of leaping over tall piles of laundry and having be given the ability to listen to multiple conversations, happening at the same time, I mean — although, the folks who've been coming to my blog recently, seem to think I'm some sort of knowledgeable.

Not these guys, tho.

Aaaanyway, here are some of the answers to the keywords that brought some of you here, because I'm helpful like that:

Absent letter for school for waking up late: Please excuse [enter child's name, here] for being absent from school on [enter date of absence]. You see, my office won the lottery drawing last night, however, [enter child's name, here] accidentally used the tickets to line a diorama for his/her math project, to help illustrate how the odds are NEVER in our favor, and we were up ALL night trying to break into the school to retrieve said diorama, because no one EVER wants to make their co-workers hangry, especially first thing in the morning.

So, thank you for your kind attention and would you please let his/her math teacher know that [enter child's name, here]'s project is now going to be a little late, too.

Oh, and that we left a check in his/her desk to cover the damages to the classroom window, as a result of our hasty escape. Yours very truly, etc…

Or something like that, I'm easy.

Boardwalk with stores and carnival games:

[cracks knuckles, blows bangs out of eyes]

Well, let's see, there's Keansburg – which is about a 15-30 minute drive, from our house, depending on traffic.

Point Pleasant is 30-90 minute drive, etc…

Seaside Heights is about 45-180 minutes, off-season. Summertime? Fuhghetaboutit!

Wildwood – you best plan for an entire week, getting there and back, just to be safe.

They were all hit HARD by the bitchstorm, Hurricane Sandy – 2 years later and we're still re-building — but now they are ALL back in business, because it's how we roll, here in Jersey…YO!!!…so c'mon ova, the beaches are free from now until Memorial Day, we can split the toll money!

Down the shore diaper story: Believe it or not, I've got one for ya' — it was my very first blog post, from September 2, 2003 — ohhhhh, and a very Happy Belated Blogiversary to meeeeeee!!!!

Eating right kids: Yeah, I seem to eat all the wrong kids too, whassup wit-dat?

Gross Halloween games for kids: Refer to above.

Middle school halloween party games: Wow, you're going to need A LOT of antacids, my friend.

Teen feets: This one is REAL simple, THEY STINKS!

Why everyone is in such rush: Because, raising teens and riding bicycles uphill…in the snow, naked…is hard…YO!

That last nugget of parental brilliance should bring all sorts of search engines to the table, right?!? RIGHT?!?

[sound of crickets, chirping]

I'm throwing in Facebook stickers, FTW! Because I'm tech-savvy, like dat!

©2003 -2014 This Full House with a fan page on Facebook, a way for you to subscribe to receive This Full House blog post by Email and everything!

October 14, 2014
Never trust a mother with a camera.

My two oldest girls are 2 years apart, so Holly was still in diapers when Heather was born, because potty training is hard enough, let alone bringing home a brand new baby sister, thankyouverymuch.

They spent the next 3 years together, as each other's constant playmate, before more babies came along and, well, then it became…EVERYONE IN THE POOL!!!…while other parents looked on (in horror, mostly) wondering what it was like to raise 4 children under the age of 10: it sort of feels as if you are walking around in a drunken stupor…all day…every day.

These two monkeys, however, get the credit for molding me into the mother that their siblings would grow to know, as they each continued to help keep their mother (a.k.a. me) in check.

Even today, although they don't always like each other, they share a lot of the same interests and, now that they're 20 and 18 (ZOMG!!!), they've both grown accustomed to being able to stand up for themselves…as well as each other…especially, when their mother (again, me) is being totally unreasonable about curfews, or going to concerts, that happen to be playing two entire states away and such.

Mothering adults can be quite a sobering experience. Until, realizing that I had accidentally set my cell phone on video and then this funny little gif happened:

No matter how much these two grown up monkeys insist that…you know…I knew EXACTLY what I was doing, but don't tell them…m'kay?!?

©2003 -2014 This Full House with a fan page on Facebook, a way for you to subscribe to receive This Full House blog post by Email and everything!

I'm NaBloPoMo-ing it, feel free to check out what I've NaBloPoMo-ed, thus far (PHEW!) and let me know how I'm doing (I mean, 30 posts, in 30 days, really?!?) when you have time, of course!

April 4, 2014
Parenting teens: the call home protocol.

As a parent-type blogger with older kids (i.e. can quantify their ages using both hands AND having moved over to their feet, even) I sometimes feel this incredible need to share a few insights to help save other parents (especially, those with younger kids) a few sleepless nights, or twenty.

This week: we're expecting another snow storm (seriously, enough with the polar vortex, it's called winter!) and I tend to spend my off hours worrying, rather than sleeping, especially during snow storms, because kids with their driver's licenses, yo.

Aaaaaand, sometimes they sort of forget to call me, whenever they get to wherever it is they are going, because parents don't sleep…period.

So, I'd like to share with you one of my favorite ways of getting the message of "CALL ME WHEN YOU GET THERE, DAMMIT!!!" across.

**offers a plate of cookies, passes over the clicker**

You're welcome.

©2003 -2014 This Full House with a fan page on Facebook, a way for you to subscribe to receive This Full House blog post by Email and everything!

February 28, 2014
One man’s fashion failure, another mom’s super suit.

As a mom of 3 girls — oh, and a boy who understands the correlation between the changing phases of the moon and its affect on female behavior as more than just a survival tactic — I believe in the restorative powers of comfort food, especially in the wintertime.

This same line of reasoning, however, does NOT always translate well with clothes.

For example: my husband hates, Hates, HAtes, HATes, HATEs, HATES it when I try to explain away my wearing distressed jeans, most especially when I am super stressed.

Aaaaaand, if these back-to-back snowstorms don't quit it soon, I may NEVER take them off, because asshats multiply in the snow.

This week, it snowed (A LOT!) and it was STILL SNOWING when my middle girl texted to tell me she needed a ride to her internship gig, because her carpooling friend decided to stick it out at school and just take the bus home, smart girl.

On the other hand, my kid is struggling with calculus (it's okay, she knows it!) and would rather NOT have to stay in school, any longer than necessary, anyways.

Plus, she LOVES her mentorship with our county's council for fine arts…me, too.

I then did the math, because it is NOT calculus: 24.6 miles to her school, 17.1 miles back to the theater, 11.3 miles back home again…rinse…repeat…[sound of brakes, screeching]…I'm just glad Google maps is not interactively live, because it would be looking for a puke bucket, right about now.

"Hon-NEY, where ARE my SUPER stressed pair of jeans?!?"

Long story, short: both my husband and my oldest daughter offered to make the run for me, but I chose to put my big girl pants on…actually, they are capris…and texted my middle girl to let the theater know we may be a little late, because I will be driving very, like in very, verrrrrrrrrrrrrrry, slooooooooooooooowly.

And then I figured on spending the next couple of hours just sitting in my car…yes, I am THAT good at planning out stuff that allows me the opportunity to NOT drive in the snow…maybe even read a book or something.

Then the sun came out, or at least I think it was the sun (later confirmed with my friends on Facebook and Instagram!) but I wasn't ready to go home, because KILLER DUST BUNNIES!!!

So I decided to drive the 2.6 miles to Trader Joe's, because I have never been and…well…now I know…OMG, COOKIE BUTTER!!!

"Excuse me, but where is your ladies room?"

I get REALLY excited sometimes, then I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror:

Here is Liz, ladies and gentlemen: she's wearing her favorite SUPER stressed jeans, her husband's puffy-insulated-type-sweatshirt thingy, along with her oldest daughter's furry boots…because they were just long enough to cover up the fact that she is actually wearing capris pants…and…YES…the girl can work her dorkside, for sure.

Aaaaaaand, I would like to take this moment to publicly apologize to the woman standing in front of me at Shop Rite, who I judged as being high maintenance (North Face jacket, Ugg boots, Louis Vuitton bag) the night before.

I was wrong and I am very, very sorry. You just go ahead and keep working it…GIRRRRRL!!!

To the asshats who continually insist on riding my bumper…during a snowstorm…in the slow lane…feel free to continue to BITE ME!!!

Stupid polar vortex, dumbass winter.

©2003 -2014 This Full House with a fan page on Facebook, a way for you to subscribe to receive This Full House blog post by Email and everything!

February 20, 2014
Together Counts: because, some of us parents need all the help we can get (ahem!)

As a mom, with 20+ years of experience in trying NOT to mess up her kids, I feel it safe to tell you that the secret to balance is really quite simple, because there is NO secret: balance is all a matter of perspective.

Maintaining a healthy lifestyle, for a family of 6, while running in twice as many different directions (sometimes, all in the same day) without one (or all) of us experiencing the proverbial crash and burn is a challenge my family and I face, every single day.

That is why I am very honored to have partnered with the good folks at Together Counts — a program inspiring active and healthy living through energy balance — as a contributing blogger to the Together Counts blog for 2013. In case you missed it, here’s a quick recap of our contributions for the last year:

(more…)

February 10, 2014
Parenting teens: the face infographic.

Having entered my 11th year of blogging…she said, in a Gandolf-like voice…I sometimes feel this incredible need to share a few insights, if you will, to help save other parents a few headaches — especially, parents of younger kids.

In case you missed it: there's the little infographic to help reinforce a more realistic homework ritual and the how much should you help your child with their school project infographic.

This week? I'm laid up with a kidney stone-type pain (they ARE the devil!) and, once again, my husband used his super-power of being able to assess EXACTLY how badly I feel with 8 simple little words: do you need to go to the hospital?!?

You know, I could never figure out those pain scales…either…which inspired me to create an infographic to help other parents decipher their child's facial expression(s), based on the top 5 faces I get from my teens.

**passes bottle of [insert favorite brand of pain reliever, here]**

You're welcome.

©2003 -2014 This Full House with a fan page on Facebook, a way for you to subscribe to receive This Full House blog post by Email and everything!

February 7, 2014
From Our House, To Your House: It’s A Krispie Carol

Like most families we know, the kids and I have our favorite holiday traditions: decorating Christmas cookies ranks right up there with tricking out a ginger bread house with leftover Halloween candy, if there’s any left.

Assembling said gingerbread house, not so much.

So, when our good friends at Kellogg’s challenged us to put a twist on a family-favorite holiday tradition, I thought it would be REALLY fun to replicate This Full House (the house) in Rice Krispies, but then I broke it.

(more…)

December 23, 2013
Quite possibly my best parenting advice, evuh: just do you!

Her future's so bright, we gotta wear shades 🙂

If you were to ask me to choose the most challenging aspect of our college-search journey, besides agonizing over financial packages, my short answer would be: watching my kid agonize over EVERYTHING ELSE, including my agonizing over financial packages.

For my middle daughter, now that it's crunch time (applications for merit and presidential scholarships are due December 1st), it's having to submit a personal essay: specifically, introducing herself to the admissions officers, by sharing with them what SHE feels makes her unique.

"But you're a pretty-terrific kid."

Aaaaand, here's where Heather, along with the rest of her siblings, would typically call "BS!!!" and insist that I'm just saying that, because I am her mother, and I'm supposed to say things like that.

"I don't want to sound arrogant!"

I just stood in the middle of the kitchen and stared at her, in mid-pancake flip, because I had a funny feeling that this was going to turn into one of those self-defining moments that, if done incorrectly, could scar your child for life and…YES!!!…I tend to over think stuff, like that, ALL THE DANG TIME.

"Ummmmmmm…."

See what I mean?!? Often times people mistake me for being a "good listener", when I'm probably just too busy trying to figure out stuff and my kids are already pretty good at answering their own questions for me, anyway.

"Because women get called-out for being over-confident quicker than men do."

Here's the thing: raising kids is hard, raising selfless teens is even harder; but raising up girls is dang near impossible, without being slapped in the head with a double-standard or twenty and this parenting thing is hard…YO!

"Can you come read this for me?"

Thankfully, my kids also know that I work well with the assistance of visual aids.

"OMG!!! You're crying, it's THAT bad?!?"

On the contrary, and I'm not just saying that because I am her mother, here's the part that moved me to tears — shared with Heather's permission:

(more…)

November 30, 2013
Maybe I should just quit reading my own blog, right?!?

I was cleaning out my blog's archives, the other day (which, admittedly, I don't do very often, because, it's REALLY scary in there) when I came across this picture AND I had a major heart squeeze, right there, in the middle of 2008.

Hope and Doofus-dawg, waiting for the first BIG snowfall of 2008.

So, I did what any OTHER self-respecting seasoned blogger would do: posted this warm and fuzzy picture of my youngest kid to Facebook and spread the heart-squeeze, all cyber-like, because…daaaaaaaaangit…they really DO grow up so fast and, well, it's really nice to have something tangible to reflect upon, when I sort of forget how cute my kids used to be.

Especially now that they're older (me too, daaaaaaaaangit!) it sort of helps us ALL recognize and appreciate little heart-squeezing moments, like this, even more.

Or, on the other hand, prove to be just another…AHA!!!!…moment, when I sorta finally figure it out…and am all…YEP!!!…I shoulda known this one would be trouble, one day:

Ms. Independent of 2003.

On the OTHER other hand (because, we could all use a third hand, especially at this time of year, right?!?) Hope is the youngest of four and was pretty much ready to spread her wings and fly…at two years old…and will most likely be the one to get married, while jumping out of an airplane, too.

Don't have a pair of pink cowgirl boots, GET ONE!!!

Wearing a suh-weet pair of pink cowgirl boots…no doubt…because, really, even Jersey girls love us some pink cowgirl boots…YO!

She wore her sunglasses at night, or whenever the heck she wanted to.

Aaaaaand, last but not least, she would NEVER get caught eating yogurt…without wearing her sunglasses…seriously, who would want to mess wit-dat?!?

*heart, still squeezing*

I'm so glad NaBloPoMo is almost over, because it's really, really hard to blog with teens and my heart can't take much more squishing, you know?!?

©2003 -2013 This Full House with a fan page on Facebook and everything!

I'm NaBloPoMo-ing it, feel free to check out what I've NaBloPoMo-ed, so far (PHEW!) and let me know how I'm doing (I mean, 30 posts, in 30 days, really?!?) when you have time, of course!

November 23, 2013
Teens don’t smile, or remember stuff right.

He is super-excited about our lunch date, on the inside!!!

The kids had the day off from school on Friday, so my son and I spent the afternoon testing out the media room at Best Buy.

What?!? Don't tell me we are the ONLY ones to pop open a couple of leather recliners and pretend like we actually live there.

Aaaaaand, if you do not do these sort of things at Best Buy…then, neither do we…because that would be weird.

Aaaaaanyway, we decided to head to the other side of the shopping plaza, to see how many people we could alienate over at the bookstore, when my son experienced a bit of nostalgia.

"Remember when you locked your keys in the car and we almost died?!?"

It's funny how their memories of past events are SO VERY different from mine.

Clearly, they didn't die, but it WAS 10 years ago and revisting the moment (via my blog post's archives, you know, to double-check) was sort of fun, because each of their reactions to “Mommy locked us out of the car, AGAIN!" were so very different.

Holly (who is turning 20, tomorrow, GAH!!!) was 10 and already better at this mothering thing than I was, at the time: ”Good thing I bought those chocolate coins at Michael’s or else we would have starved!”

(Note: we live exactly 4.7 miles away from Michael’s and there is a pizza place within view.)

Heather (who is turning 18, next month, DOUBLE-GAH!!!) was 7, going on 40: “Not again! Why do you always lock the keys in the car when it’s freezing outside. We’re going to freeze! I can’t feel my fingers!”

(Note: It was 50 degrees out.)

Glen (who is turning 15, in January, I JUST CAN'T!!!) was 4 years-old and ALL boy: "Wook at me, I’m fwying….vroooommm!”

(Note: He was running in circles, made himself dizzy, flew right into the concrete wall and fell to the grond, like a rock.)

Hope (who's as good as a teenager, at this point) was 2, every terrible bit of it: “Hopey do! Hopey walk! Hopey get out of cawage, NOW!!!!”

(Note: People were beginning to stare – I had to let the child out who is now fwying, I mean, flying in circles with her brother.)

So, this went on for a few minutes and I kind of chuckle to myself now, thinking of what I would have said, if I saw what the people who were staring at me saw, back then.

"Look!!! There's Daddy, everyone yell HEY to daddy!!!"The children jumped up on the bench, began to wave their hands furiously, chanting "Dad-dee, Dad-dee, Dad-dee…” as we watched Dad-dee drive right past us.

"So, you see, it was DADDY who left us here to die!"

That made him smile. I wasn't fast enough with my camera. Sorry you missed it.

© 2003 – 2013 This Full House

I'm NaBloPoMo-ing it, feel free to check out what I've NaBloPoMo-ed, so far (PHEW!) and let me know how I'm doing (I mean, 30 posts, in 30 days, really?!?) when you have time, of course!

November 11, 2013