Being a mom is hard. Being a mom of teens is…uhhhhhhhh…excuse me for a moment…HEY! DID I NOT JUST SAY THE DISHWASHER IS DIRTY?!? GET YOUR PLATES OUT OF THE SINK, DAMMIT!!!…ummmmmm….what were we talking about, again?!?
[takes another sip of coffee, blows bangs out of eyes, plays with chin hair]
Oh yeah, NOW I REMEMBER! So, I was thinking. Dangerous, for a dork like me, I know. Still. I've been reading lots of blog posts and articles online about what we should or shouldn't be saying to a pregnant woman…EVUH!!!…because, DUH!!!! She's probably NOT in the mood for silly shenanigans, like asking her if it was a planned pregnancy.
Well, it's actually…NONE OF YOUR FRIGGIN' BUSINESS!!!!…but thanks for asking.
That being said, I think it's also equally important to realize that saying one or more of the following, to a peri-menopausal woman, may or may not get you some serious hurt:
1. Daaaaang, it's cold in here
Shuddup and turn down the thermostat, would ya'?
2. Why are you so moody?
Ohhhhhh, other than my uterus feeling like it's on fire and attempting to strangle the rest of my internal organs, AND IT'S HOT IN HERE, no reason, really.
3. Meh, sounds a lot like PMS.
Yes, now with EXTRA BLOAT and saggy-boob sweat…HUZZAH!
4. Relax, you're just being overly-sensitive.
Oh, my gosh, I'm soooooo sorry…here, you better put some ice on that and don't worry…the swelling should go down in a couple of days, mostly.
5. All you need to do is change your diet and exercise.
Good idea, I'll go get MORE ICE!
6. Sorry, we're all out of cherry limeade.
Oh okay, and here's my mailing address, just bill me for the damages.
7. You look too young to be going through menopause.
[blank stare]
8. I'm so sorry, but we don't carry that particular shoe in wide.
Right…soooooo…do you know of anyone else who stocks YETI?!?!
9. The bathrooms are for employees, only.
WE NEED A MOP ON AISLE 6, PLEASE!
10. Let's go bathing suit shopping!
We're gonna need a bigger mop, AND MORE ICE!!!
11. Let's go jeans shopping!
See number 10.
12. Maybe you just need a nap.
YES!!! And turn down the thermostat on your way…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
13. Do you remember where you put…
No, is the air-conditioner even working?
14. Do you remember where I put my…
NO!!!! WHY IS IT SO FRIGGIN' HOT IN HERE?!?!
15. At least you don't have to worry about getting pregnant.
Two words: vaginal atrophy.
You're welcome.
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