This Full House Archive

Tag: extreme home makeover

  • There’s a hole in the bucket, dear GarthNHRN.

    My husband, Garth (not his real name) has a lot of stuff on his plate at work. So, When it comes to taking care of the stuff here in the house, the kids and I have this one unspoken rule: if it is NOT broken, don't try to fix it. And if it is broken, then for the LOVE of all the things that mom let's YOU get away with, do NOT tell your father.

    Because, more often than not, I was the one who probably broke it AND that is precisely when the "unspoken" part of the rule would come into play.

    Long story, short (seriously, I love you guys THAT much!) we've done A LOT of this, lately:

     

    Even longer story, short (this is the part where you begin to understand exactly WHY my husband does NOT allow me to use his real name and then start to feel VERY thankful that you do NOT have to live with me, you're welcome!): our house phone hasn't been working right (like in, not at all) since forever.

    The phone line shows in use, although it is not, so incoming calls are not getting through to the phone (it rings through for the caller, the phone does not ring on our end), but the calls ARE showing up on our caller i.d., which seems to be working fine on our television, judging by the kids hollering THE NAME of whoever happens to be calling at the time, because of course.

    "GRANDMA'S CALLING!!!!!"

    Fun times, my friends. Aaaaaanyway. The phone guy was here last week and declared our phone lines #FUBAR, because OF COURSE!  And, after seeing signs of an on-going renovation (although longtime readers will already know that it's been going on for the last 20 years, but whatever), he insisted that we could probably save the $100 bucks and just have Garth (not his real name) fix it.

    Which, in my mind, I'm hearing as:

    • We could save some money.
    • Instead of bleed money.
    • Because, quite frankly, with another kid looking at colleges AND taking into consideration the laws of #FUBAR…dude…we are ALL bled out.
    • But, we could actually save some money.
    • And maybe my husband will feel good about having fixed something, himself.
    • Oh, and we could save some money.

    So then, GarthNHRN surprised me by taking the day off from work on Friday…to do just that…okay, maybe not. Still. It was super-great timing on his part, RIGHT?!?

    And then, I decided to do a speed clean, while he showered, because I am super-efficient like that AND a dazzlingly-clean floor helps to distract people from noticing all the sheetrock (feel free to use that tip, btw!) until I noticed the loose tile behind the door and then found the hole in the floor.

    We took in some water damage during Hurricane Irene (and then the house took another hit during Superstorm Sandy), but what we didn't realize is the sub-flooring had gotten squishy in sections by the door and, well, #FUBAR!!!

    Aaaaand, it took ALL my strength NOT to enforce the "unspoken" rule and show my husband.

    He took it better than I thought, although I could almost hear his brain screech to a halt and see the hair that hadn't already turned gray…go white…so, I enforced the "one thing at a time" rule and we decided to focus on fixing the phone line…because #FUBAR!!!

    We then headed to our home away from home…Home Depot.

    "I need to get a new staple gun, because you broke mine."

    Actually, NO!!! I broke my husband's electric staple gun, but that was YEARS ago!!! And I know…FOR A FACT…that he decided to replace it with a non-electrical staple gun…after I nearly electrocuted myself…by accident.

    Pro-Dork Tip: metal screening and electric do NOT mix.

    I actually said that…OUT LOUD…to the amusement of a couple of contractors and such…and if you ARE a contractor, you really should be shopping with us at Home Depot (or Lowes, we're easy) because, #FUBAR!!!

    And then GarthNHRN reached for the non-electrical staple gun.

    "It used to look like this one!"

    But, I still insisted it couldn't have been me who broke it, because I couldn't even squeeze the trigger handle hard enough on THIS one to use it…aaaaaaaaand…oh, wait.

    [eyes go wide]

    Here's another Pro-Dork Tip: using a hammer on a staple gun, to help bang the trigger handle down on the staple gun, WILL break the staple gun.

    Right. So. If anyone needs me, I'll be waiting for ANOTHER repairman…in the floor behind the front door…most likely. 

    [cue Walter, laughing]

    And for those of you too young to understand the reference to the blog title, here ya' go:

     

    Oh, and just so you know, GarthNHRN was able to fix the phone line, 6 hours and $150 later…stupid phone guy, dumbass squishy floors.

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  • Extreme Home-Do-Over!

    This Full House The House

    I still remember that fateful day, when my husband Garth (not his real name) and I nervously sat down at the conference table, distracting the lawyer long enough to hand us each styrofoam cups of stale coffee and, between the 3 of us, was the only one able to hold a pen steady enough to sign the papers.

    "I think I'm gonna throw up!"

    I was a few weeks pregnant with our first daughter (commuting, while under the influence of gestation, sucks wet poodle, btw!) and, well, WE WERE BUYING OUR FIRST HOUSE!

    "You're young, yet, there's still time."

    The lawyer, who seemed very well-versed in the matter, insisted that investing in a starter home was the way to go and that our timing could NOT have been better.

    "As long as you move before the kid starts kindergarten!"

    17 years, 4 kids, 3 cats, 2 refinances and 1 doofus-dawg, later (give or take a couple of goldfish) both my husband and I have FINALLY accepted the fact that we are, you know, totally screwed.

    "Wow, it's a lot bigger than I thought!"

    If I had a dollar for each time a repairman has said that to me, well, I'd be able to park my car in the garage, by now.

    "We get that, a lot."

    Not to mention, folks who are surprised to find that our house, you know, looks A LOT different…on the inside.

    "Doing some work, I see."

    It's not like we have this thing for
    dry wall (although, after a while, you DO sorta get used it) but, after
    17 years, 4 kids, 3 cats, etc., etc., other stuff has taken priority
    (like, you know, food) and, well, there's ALWAYS something, right?

    "How long have you been renovating?"

    This particular repairman, however, seemed to be genuinely interested.

    "Let's see, um, about 17 years."

    The poor guy stopped laughing as soon as he realized that I was, you know, serious.

    "Uh-huh, so, okay, I'm done here, buh-bye."

    Granted, it's not the smallest house on the block (my 103 year-old next door neighbor has owned that title for, well, over 100 years, now) and, with a few of gallons of paint (give or take a couple of barrels) or, a VERY LARGE construction crew, looking for some pro bono work, who knows?

    "Um, did you back-flush the pool, today?"

    Because, you see, these days, I am the Queen of Denial AND Supreme Back-flusher!

    "Why?"

    Then, I remembered….that I forgot…to turn the shut-off valve, you know, back on.

    "You burned up the motor!"

    Long story, short (you're welcome!) that same day, we also ended up taking my car into the shop (it was either that, or never be able to make a left turn, ever again!) and that little bit of money I just got paid (because, you know, I do work, sometimes) uh-huh, I'm sending one of the Pep Boys on a lovely vacation…this summer.

    "You owe your father a cup of coffee."

    Apparently, my dad made a big stink about paying for the new pump in the pool store and, well, I owed the man a piece of cake AND dinner for the next 2 weeks, too.

    "Why are you ALL wet?"

    Apparently, the pump is a whole LOT stronger than our old one, the pressure split the out-take hose and being doused with chlorinated water, while under the influence of coffee (and cake) makes you do this:

    What?  Melisa thought it was funny when I told her this same EXACT story on Monday (STILL don't have my car, sucks donkey balls, btw!) or, maybe she was just humoring me, either way.

    [snort]

    Still, it's OUR home, the kids seem to like it and I wouldn't trade this house, or the love I felt for my husband, at that particular moment, for all the philanthropically-inclined contractors in the world.

    [wipes eyes]

    Okay, maybe Ty Pennington (relax, my husband already knows and he's okay with it) or one of the HGTV Dream Homes (I've been trying to win, since 2001, DAMMIT!) but, let's not open that OLD wound, okay?

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