This Full House Archive

Category: Who’s Parenting Who?

Home is Where Your Drywall Hangs

We are ALL major Ty Pennington fans (okay, mostly me) so, last night, the kids and I settled in on the couch and watched the premiere episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.

The design team surprised the Boys Hope/Girls Hope chapters in Baltimore — you can watch it here, if you, you know, feel like having your heart squished.

"You crying already, Mom?"

Not even five minutes into the show, man, and I was reaching for the Kleenex.

Then, Ty let the families know that Girls (and Boys) Hope will be getting full four-year college scholarships (including room, books and board) this time, my kids were reaching for the Kleenex and I think a couple of them even started to cry.

"Maybe we should apply to be on the show, Mom!"

Oh, if I had a dollar for each time I wished (out loud) for Ty to come crashing through the drywall, well, it would be nice to actually quit using our garage…as a basement.

Never mind, worrying about how in the heck we're sending our kids to college.

"There are A LOT of people who need help more, right Mom?"

Always. Still. It WOULD be nice not to explain that, you know, we don't decorate in early drywall…on purpose.

Then, Ty started interviewing the families.

"We never let my daughter know that we couldn't afford to send her to college."

I grabbed another tissue and cursed myself (in my head) for not thinking and doing the same thing.

Oh, it's NOT like we're going around saying stuff like:

Heather: "I want to go to Boston University."
Holly: "I'd like to go to Italy and study art."
Glen: "I want to go to Rutgers."
"Me: Well you can ALL just FUHGHETABOUTIT!"

But, practically speaking:

Me: "That WOULD be nice, maybe, I dunno, we'll see."

Then, my youngest (she's 9) snuggled in closer.

"Well, I love my home."

[bites lower lip]

"I think our house is perfect for us, right mommy?"

[squish]

I do now. And, if I didn't, I certainly would NOT say it (out loud) not anymore.

"You need 'nother tissue, Mom?"

Hang the drywall, stupid economy!

© 2010 This
Full House Blog / This Full House Gone Shopping

September 27, 2010
So, This Housewife Answers the Door
(Dude, stop me if you’ve already heard this one!)

I know, I know, I said it…housewife…it's a bad word…however, rather than get into a debate on whether stay-at-home mom is any better (honestly, I really don't give two bon-bons about labels) say what you want, just, don't call me desperate.

Unless, we're all out of coffee AND milk [shiver] or, the microwave explodes AND takes the toaster with it.

What? It can happen, trust me.

Aaaaanyway, I work from home…BAH!…there I go again…okay, so, like do working moms stop working, you know, once they get home from work?

Color me confused (preferably, in a soft and slightly muted tone, like, heather gray) but, I thought we were ALL passed the, I know you are, but what am I, sort of thing.

Until, yesterday.

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September 24, 2010
Bringing the Dumb

Would you believe, I was a REAL "Boy, she has it ALL together" type mom? Once. YES, I WAS, DAMMIT! You wouldn't know it now [blows bangs out of eyes] but, I even used to bake my kids homemade birthday cakes.

"That was the doctor's office."

Now, they consider themselves very lucky if I remember their birthdays…at all.

"She says we are WAY over due on our well visits."

I was supposed to take them in August. It's STILL September, right?

"Fine."

So, I added, "call pediatrician," to the monstrosity that is my to-do list; nevermind, try to find an empty space on the calendar.

What? Yours, too?

[shakes head]

Aaaand, it's only September, right?

"I left you a note on your laptop."

Now, I have to write stuff on 2 calendars and then punch it into my cell phone, just in case, you know, I forget to look at the calendar.

"And I sent you a text."

10 years from now, however, my children will undoubtedly remember their mother as being a discombobulated mess.

"Thank you."

What they fail to see, however (along with the wet towels left to ferment along the bathroom hallway) is, in my discombobulatedness (yes, it's a word!) I have played an important role in teaching them good organizational skills.

"Um…where is my cell phone?"

Aaaand, keeping them motivated in practicing those skills.

"It's probably in your car, Mommy."

Probably. Since, I spend most of the time, sitting in it, or driving it (mostly, sitting) especially, this time of year.

"I left you a note…too…bye…LOVE YOU!"

My 9 year-old, being the youngest of 4, is also advanced proficient in self-preservation and, after almost 10 years (or more, I forget) of fighting our way in and out of carpool lanes (i.e. they ARE the devil) the kid's got the stop, drop and ROLL thing down to a science!

"I love…"

Too late. She was out of the car and passed the bus lane. 3 seconds more and I could have saved the kid a couple hundred bucks worth of therapy.

"She NEVER could say I love you!"

[heavy sigh]

Then, I found her note.

Aaaand, well, you know. Yes, my brain is mush. But, I kind of, sort of, love the fact that my kids leave me little love notes…just like the ones I used to send…in their lunch bags.

Until, I read the second one.

Apparently, she really, really, really, really, really, really wants to be able to use the gift card…she got for her birthday…way back…in June.

It is STILL September, right?

[shrugs]

So, along with the fact that the gift card is good until June of 2012 (thankyouverymuch!) I added a little note of my own.

"I love you too, sweetie and good luck getting your card back!"

[eyes go wide]

What? So, I'm a discombobulated mess (DAMMIT!) but, I am NOT stoo-pid, you know?

© 2010 This
Full House Blog / This Full House Gone Shopping

September 15, 2010
Barefoot Parenting
(Pants ARE optional!)

Playing the concentration game, on the fitness trail, while being bombed with acorns by militant squirrels, it's a gift.

Balance. Either you have it, or you don't. Then again, maybe you're one of those people who, over the years, have taken one too many nose dives into the asphalt and learned to NOT over-complicate a situation by, you know, wearing shoes.

[sound of crickets chirping]

No? Okay. Perhaps you're one of THOSE people who stop, look back and are all like…WHOA!…did you see that?!? Then swear that it came straight out of the ground (whatever it was) grabbed you by the ankles and, you know, face meets asphalt, the end.

[cricket]

Allllllrighty then.

"Shouldn't you be wearing shoes?!?"

Me? I used to wear heels. Until, I had kids. Now, I have enough trouble strutting my stuff on the sidewalk (without falling down) or, maybe it's my bohemian roots, beginning show (among other, more grayish ones, I mean) and perhaps, I should just change my name to Agador Spartucus.

"Shoes make me fall down!"

Who knows? Since turning 40-something-or-another (closer to another, if you must know, DAMMIT!) maybe, I'm just getting back in tune with the earth (ahem!) like that hippie dude on Dual Survival and his…um…friend…who sort of remind me of an old married couple (cough!) with kids (cough, cough!) but, DAYUM if they don't make for entertaining television.

Hey. Hang on. There's a novel idea. Perhaps I should start evangelizing the benefits of "barefoot parenting!"

You know, I can be the minimalist and primitive skills expert, trained in counterbalanced living and suburban preparedness…like, yes, she's texting (AGAIN!) but, they ARE outside and what if one of them breaks an arm, or something, right?

With 17 years of combined tween and teenage survival experience…like, yes, he's wearing low rise, skinny-something-or-another…but…um…at least, he's NOT playing a video game, right?

Balance. It's ALL a matter of perspective. Sure, I can insist he pull his pants up (DAMMIT!) then again, this picture wouldn't be half as funny and, more importantly, just fade into yet another missed opportunity in increasing my "Break curfew again, bub and I'll show your girlfriend," arsenal, to boot!

"Um, mom?"

Maybe THEN the Discovery Channel will give me my OWN show!

"Mom?"

Aaaand, I will FINALLY get to go to an island!

"Mommy?"

Where no one cares who you are (or, aren't) where you are from (originally) and that you weigh more than what's on your driver's license (ahem) or, that you've worn white (AFTER Labor Day) with pink underwear (cough) and forgot to shave your legs, AGAIN!

"Mom?"

Oh, but there IS a bed (dogless, catless, hairless and MATCHING pillows) a VERY large bathroom (with a double sink) with room service (a sun-kissed-20-something-or-another with, dark eyes and a wicked tan) giving you undivided attention and an endless supply of fruity cocktails…FOR FREE!

"Mommy?"

Aaaand maybe then (and ONLY then) will the tired, frustrated and gravity-challenged parents of the world (like me) truly unite and achieve GREATNESS!!!

"Mooooommeeeee!"

[blink, blink]

"It's okay that you're driving in your pajamas, right?"

Except on Mondays, then ALL bets are off, DAMMIT!!!

© 2010 This
Full House Blog / This Full House Gone Shopping

September 13, 2010
Children of the REAL Jersey Shore
(Now with MORE zeppoles!)

Wake me up when Septemberrrrrr ends!

I love the beach this time of year. The fresh, salty air is a bit chillier, which makes the water seem much, much warmer and, well, most of the Bennies (i.e., the cast of the Jersey Shore, mostly, ironically enough) have ALL gone home.

"When was the last time we were at this beach, again?!?"

I get it. I was young, once (shuddup!) and could NOT wait for Friday nights, in the summer, when we'd head down the Parkway to Seaside Heights and/or Wildwood Crest and sneak into bars study the bible, ALL weekend long!

"I remember, Momma, it was when we showed Dana the ocean!"

I'd forgotten. Yeah, it really was the day we introduced my bloggy friend Dana to the ocean — she's from Wisconsin!

"Has it been THAT long?!?"

Sadly, my kids have outgrown Jenkinson's Boardwalk.

Glen's 1st trip to the boardwalk — Jenkinson's 1999

It really is just the right size for little ones; ALL tuckered out by nap time (me, too) and we'd be loooong gone by the time the Jersey Shore night life, you know, woke up.

"I thought that ride was SO MUCH bigger!"

Then, before you know it, YOUR kids meet the maximum 48 inches to ride and, well, you know, you can't go back.

"Can we get zeppoles?!?"

Yesterday, however, was a GREAT day to get out (considering, September also translates to, "school holiday," in Jersey!) and housewife is such an oxymoron, dontchathink?

Mmmmm….the view inside a big bag of zeppoles (pronounced as zep-poh-leez) or, fried dough, drowning in powdered sugar, if you're NOT from Jersey.

"Noooo, I want funnel cake!!!"

Mmmmm…of course…(or, auf-cawse, if you're from Jersey) there's ALWAYS room for funnel cake!!!

"Wanna eat it on the beach?!?"

Bet you did NOT know we had palm trees, or blue skies, here in Jersey, right? Are they real? You know, I really don't know.

"This was really an AWESOME day, Momma!"

What we DO know is that there's SO MUCH more to Jersey than what some reality t.v. shows would care to admit, sort of.

"Too bad you ran outta money for the rides!"

Of course, it most likely will not be the one that my kids remember but, let's NOT go there…just yet…m'kay!?!?

© 2010 This
Full House Blog / This Full House Gone Shopping

September 10, 2010
This is What it Sounds Like, When Butterflies Cry

This is what 6:15 a.m. looks like, in Jersey!

The morning came quickly, as it usually does to a seasoned (i.e. perpetually perplexed and severely sleep-deprived) parent (like me) and, unlike most mornings, I let the dog out, while my husband started the coffee (bless his squishy heart) and we both continued to pretend like last night did NOT happen.

"She's in tears."

Long story, short (you're welcome) unlike her 3 siblings, today is the 1st day of school for my middle girl.

"What DID you say to her?"

Suffice it to say, I've earned yet ANOTHER ✔ mark in reasons why I make OTHER mothers look good (really, don't mention it!) by upsetting my daughter to the point of tears, on the night before her 1st day of high school.

"She started it!"

Did I forget to mention, her mother also happens to have the emotional maturity of a 9 year-old?!?

SLAM!

So, rather than expose my children to further examples of what NOT to do, for which I'm hoping their future significant others will thank me for, later (probably not) I took a self-imposed time out on our front porch.

Did I forget to mention, our front porch is NOT screened in, or the fact that I absolutely DESPISE bugs?!?

GAH!

So, rather than risk being eaten by mutant moths (Mothra lives!) I swallowed my mommy pride and slunked back into the house.

SLUNK!

"Can I talk to you, Mom?"

Long story, short (yeah, I know, I lied) we ARE a lot alike (my 14 year-old and me, I mean) and we were both just stressed out (to the MAX) by the fact that, you know, she is going into high school.

"Don't worry, Sweetie, you'll be just fiiiine!"

Boy, if I had a dollar for each time I lied (like that) well, you know.

"But, you're so far away, Mom!"

Did I forget to mention, she was accepted into a career academy, that happens to be 25 miles away (i.e. approx. 30 minutes, if you're from Jersey) and that the bus picks her up at 6:25 a.m.?!?

"Doesn't anybody stay in one place, aaaaanymore?!?"

[blank stare]

"It would be SO FINE to see your face at my door…"

[blink, blink]

"…doesn't help to know, that you're so…"

Did I forget to mention, whenever faced with a difficult parenting situation, under extreme pressure, I often break into song.

"Okay, you can STOP singing now!"

If only it were THAT easy.

Kindergarten Halloween Parade 2001

"Long ago I reached for you, and there you stood…"

Freshman in High School 2010

"Holding you again could only do me good…how I wish I could, but you're so far away…AND, I know you love me, aaaaaanyway."

[bites lower lip]

Okay, I added that last part in, but Heather and me, yeah, we're good (for now) and PLEASE don't tell her, or the part about her mother being SUCH a dork.

[heavy sigh]

Because, she's MY daughter and…trust me, she already knows…bless her squishy little heart!!!

© 2010 This Full House / This Full House Gone Shopping

September 7, 2010
The 11th First Day of School

"Wait, let me take your picture!!!"

My 11 year-old son (the ONLY boy in the house, btw) is smiling, but inside I know that he was all, like, JEEZ!

"CRAP! Wait, it's too dark!"

Frankly, the kid has lived with me long enough to know that, you know, it's just easier to pretend EVERYONE'S mother is a dork (like me) especially, on the first day of school.

"Okay, now, smile!"

DAMMIT! Hang on. Can I just, you know, UGH!!! Wait a minute. Is he? Nooooo. Who am I kidding? Maybe he was just wiping some leftover sleep from his eye. Or, a bug flew up his nose (it COULD happen) still, it would be nice to think that my kids, you know, like having me around, kind of, sort of, too.

"Wait, let me take your picture!!!"

My youngest daughter (she's 9) was packed and ready to start school, a couple of weeks ago and, no, I can't say as I blame her.

"CRAP! Wait, it's too light!"

She's the last of my kids to ever enter the 4th grade and, I'm sorry, but I just don't remember the other 3 ever looking THIS little.

"Okay, now, smile!"

DAMMIT! They just NEVER wait, anymore, do they? Maybe she was feeling sorry for her baby sister (ahem) or, because she's a freshman now and doesn't start HER high school until next week (SOB!) still, it would be nice to think that my kids, you know, really do like each other, kind of, sort of, too.

"Wait a minute…"

[scrolls thru cell phone]

"…who did I forget?"

DAMMIT! I'm just NOT ready to admit that MY OLDEST IS A JUNIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL!!! Maybe, it was just WAY too early in the morning and I couldn't find my phone (it COULD happen) still, it would be nice to think that she already knows, after ALL these years, I love her, just the same.

Wait a minute!

Does a "night before school starts" picture of my coloring her hair count for at least something?!?

[sound of many crickets, chirping]

Besides, the fact that, you know, YES, I am one of THOSE moms and, well, there could be worse things.

[ducks lightning bolt]

Like, she could have a mother stupid enough to actually leave that picture (up there) on Flickr, right?

[cricket]

Riiiiiight. Wait a minute. She DOES read my blog. D'OH! Never mind.

© 2010 This Full House / This Full House Gone Shopping

September 3, 2010
When You Give a Doofus-Dawg a Watermelon

Doofus-Dawg on Watermelon

I love my dog. Truly, I do. Most of the time. He is a rescue. They found him tied to a dumpster. I can only imagine his life, b.u. (before us) still, there ARE pretty good reasons why we also refer to Rudolph as Doofus-Dawg (a.k.a. Pinhead) and why my husband, Garth (not his real name) texted me, while I was having dinner with the kids at my folks' house, last night.

"Wet sticky spot on living room rug, trail of dried juice on kitchen floor, watermellon gone, dish appears not to have broken, I'm not speaking to the dog."

Yes, he spelled watermelon wrong, so, I knew he WAS, you know, pretty angry.

"Where r u?"

Aaaand, I didn't answer him (right away) because, you know, I was THE ONE who left the watermelon on the counter.

"Why is the floor SO sticky?"

My son (he's 11 and, besides the dog and cat, is the ONLY boy in the house) woke up in a HORRIBLE mood, this morning.

"Rudolph ate some watermelon, last night."

Aaaand, he seems to be paying for it (see photo above) too.

"Ah, man, you kiddin' me, who left the watermelon out?"

Apparently, he wanted some.

"Um…Daddy DID!"

Relax. One good rescue deserves another, right? Besides, I'll tell him the truth, later (maybe) suffice it to say, I'm the one that has to live with the boy, for the next 8 hours, or so.

"AH, MAN!!!"

School starts tomorrow…THANKGAWD…stupid dog!!!

© 2010 This Full House / This Full House Gone Shopping

September 1, 2010
What I UnLearned on My Summer Vacation

Happy 20th Anniversary to us, Garth (not his real name!)

Most of my kids go back to school, this week — my middle girl has been accepted into a specialized high school and doesn't start until the Tuesday after Labor Day AND yes the other kids are NOT happy about it.

So, to soften the mood of our house (seriously, where DID the summer go?) my husband Garth (not his real name) surprised me for our 20th Wedding Anniversary (thanks for the well wishes, btw!) by taking a vacation day last Wednesday, Thursday AND Friday to spend more time with me (yes, ME!) doing absolutely nothing of REAL importance, which truly is a MONUMENTAL act of love, on his part.

Trust me, I know!!!

Although, it's nice to find some folks sharing their secrets to a happy marriage (97 of them, to be exact) I just think it would be prudent to just tell you that Garth (not his real name) and I have absolutely NO idea how we made it, this far!

Especially, considering what happened THIS passed weekend.

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August 30, 2010
The Year of the Big Dress and Cinderella Poof!

August 25, 1990

20 years ago (I know…I'm old…shuddup!) I was cruising down the Parkway (a.k.a. Garden State Parkway, for those of you who aren't, you know, from Jersey) surrounded by taffeta and covered in tulle (it was the end of the 80's, baby) as my soon-to-be-sister-in-law mooned traffic and made me laugh so hard, I snorted champagne out of my nostrils!

You would have thought SHE was the one getting married (the aforementioned Parkway-mooner, I mean) the way her hand shook, each time she filled my paper cup.

It took her forever to FINALLY convince her brother to ask me out.

"Just this once and then you leave me alone, right?"

I guess, since we DID get engaged, only 2 months later, she was just hoping it would, you know, work out.

Flash forward 20 years: taking into consideration, ALL the good times (and bad) oh, and even those days that totally sucked hairy donkey balls (you're welcome!) not to mention, 4 kids, 2 cats, 1 sock-eating doofus-dog AND enough laundry to circle the planet (twice) YES, I really would do it ALL over again.

However, this time, perhaps with MORE champagne, a little less tulle and I'd be the one, you know, mooning the Parkway.

So, what ARE we doing for our 20th?

[shrugs shoulders]

Well, in lieu of fine china (which, is a really bad gift idea, for a klutz, like me, btw!) we're celebrating by taking our kids hiking to Bushkill Falls, PA today (it's where he proposed) then, having lunch at Hot Dog Johnny's in Buttzville, NJ (I kid you not!) followed by a burping contest across the Delaware (because, nothing burps better than Johnny's birch beer!) and then probably order in for some Chinese food, tonight.

Because…unlike Cinderella…I did NOT marry the man of my dreams…THANK GAWD and I do….TRUST ME…every blessed day!!!

© 2010 This Full House - All Rights Reserved.

August 25, 2010