Category: Uncategorized

  • Picture Perfect Thursday – More Blah, Less Mousse

    They say a picture says a thousand words – now, here’s a one I would have never (NEVER!) thought about showing anyone (ANYONE) but, this is my blog and I feel the need to share a very rare and personal moment my sister-in-law was mean malicious marvelous enough to capture, on film.

    Can’t you just hear the laughter, people!?!

    [snort]

    All air forced violently through my nostrils, aside – I love it. I thought it was a pretty danged decent gift I got. I didn’t care who knew it and my sister-in-law was as surprised as I was.
    [click]

    “Wow, I just got the most awesome picture of you!”

    [eyes rolling]

    “Feh…I doubt it…my face always look so…bleh…my hair is always so…ick…and my smile is so…ugh…my eyes always seem to disappear and…”

    [raised eyebrows]

    “Wow.”

    You see, my sister-in-law and I are very much alike (poor thing) and sometimes…well, to make a long story short (I know, too late!) we both go to great pains to try and please our families, to the point that we both are afraid to either say or do anything that, undoubtedly, would end up screwing us in the end, anyways.

    No pun intended, Sis.

    So, most of our family pictures (that include me) have me looking all wigged-out and way over-moussed!

    [see picture above]

    One of the main reasons I started blogging (has it been three years, already?!?) was to be able to chronicle the ups, downs and somewhere in-betweens of not only a mom…but, me.

    Just me…for nobody else…but, me – blogging is one of the few times I get to be totally selfish, greedy…blah…blah…

    [reins in a bit on the bloggity]

    So, what is this most awesome gift I speak of?

    Here’s me wearing the bestest Christmas gift, ever – with less mousse – don’t think so, that’s okay.

    Because my sister-in-law gets me…I know…she really, really gets me!

    Then again, I could be wrong and she thinks that my blog sucks and I just talk too much.

    [snort]

    Nah.

  • Picture Perfect Thursday – One More Christmas Wish

    Greeting cards have all been sent,

    The Christmas rush is through.

    But I still have one wish to make,

    A special one for Thing Two…

    Happy Birthday, Baby

    Though you’re still asleep, it’s true…

    .

    You’re eleven now and in my dreams

    I always wished for a girl, just like you…

    .

    Growing up is NOT always joyful

    Especially when something’s bothering you…

    .

    But every day’s a brighter day

    When I can laugh with you…

    .

    The things you could be

    I wish you could see

    I wish it every day…

    .

    You’re smart and very strong

    Darn good at singing songs

    And pretty, too…YES!…way…

    .

    TRUST ME…I see it everyday

    But my singing…uh…can sort of suck

    ‘Nuf said…don’t press your luck…

    .

    [clears throat]

    Happy Birthday, my Christmas Baby

    You’re eleven, I can’t believe it’s true

    But, I’ve just one wish

    On this special day

    .

    I wish I were more like you!

  • Parenting Tip# 19,389,001 – Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

    Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, there are just some things that I CANNOT get my kids to do…without a fight…or, flight…tapping into some serious negotiating skills taught in some sort of parenting class I’ve obviously MISSED.

    Like, getting Little Man to go to the bathroom, brush his teeth or go to bed…ALONE!

    “No way, Jose…’cause…it’s WAY too dark [far, high, deep, quiet, loud, whatever] in there!”

    [eyes rolling]

    “No it’s not.”

    [doing potty dance]

    “YES, it is!”

    [rubbing right temple]

    “Mini-Me, can you pleeeeeeeze go with me to the potty!?!”

    [shaking head]

    “Nuh-uh…no way…NOT ME!”

    [enter the negotiator]

    “But, brother takes you to the potty…why not go with him, now!?!”

    [shrugs shoulders]

    “Well…’cause…I don’t havta go!”

    Sigh.

    It’s not all that bad, really – some days are worse than others – but, there are times when my head feels as if it’s about to explode…like today…my oldest has finally succumbed to the creeping crud…DAMMIT!…because, there’s only so much puke and phlegm a mother can take and..uh…with only THREE MORE SLEEPS ‘TIL CHRISTMAS…it’s about that time…when I’ve had just about enough…and must resort to using…well…weapons of mass destraction!

    “NO, I don’t want to…”

    [drum roll]

    “Uh-oh…would you look at that…I believe the nutcrackers are about start a war!”

    [eyes go wide]

    “Yep, I think it’s time to let loose…THE BEAST!”

    [big grin]

    “Do you know where…um…I could find one…this late and soooo close to Christmas!?!?”

    Enter…the dragon.

    It was a long, hard battle…no, not really…for once, Little Man had a ball using his nebulizer – I even got some pretty decent pictures to send my sister-in-law, basking in the warmth that is Arizona – and no one had to get hurt!

    In fact, in an expression of comfort, congeniality and fellowship – after a quick flick…and swish…and transforming the lair into a spa – even the nutcrackers were happily treated to a facial Chez Mini-Me!

    Bet you didn’t know a nebulizer could be so much fun, huh!?!

    Next week, how vegetables are our friends and some krazy things you can do with ketchup – Happy Holidays and stay healthy, everyone!

  • Hump Day Diddy Dumbs: The Creeping Crud, She is a Bitch…But, I’m A Total Pinhead!

    Correct me if I’m wrong – go ahead…everyone else does – but, when a person wakes up, suddenly…say, sometime in the middle of the night…to strange sort of beastly sounds…similar with what I believe one would hear…when being chased down by a pack of wild dogs…well, I would venture to guess that most people would reach for something…say, like a shoe, nail file or clothes hanger…anything…that one could use as a make-shift weapon?

    Nope, not if you’ve got kids – especially, if there sick – because you already know that…

    [clears throat]

    …THERE IS NO FIGHTING THE CREEPING CRUD!

    It is a drool-drenched beastie – residing in your child’s ears, nose, throat and/or respiratory system – relentless when it attacks and mostly comes out at night.

    Some people, however, never learn.

    Especially at this time of year, I crack open the windows (just a little) disinfect the heat vents (stupid forced-hot-air!) and hunt down the dust bunnies (you know, the clumpy-killer-kind) in a valiant effort to fend off the phlegm and avoid any and all things ending in “itis.”

    Then, I go and do something totally bone-headed…um…like, accept a birthday invitation to one of those party places (read: ginormous germ factories) two weeks before Christmas!?!

    Oh – why are you looking so surprised – I should’ve known better…I know…but, it was Mini-Me’s first ever “official” party invitation and she was so excited and…well, I’m a pinhead!

    Okay!?!

    Fast-forward to 2:00 a.m. (this morning) about the time when the dogs began to bark, the phlegm started to fly and all hell breaks loose.

    [throws kid over left shoulder and runs to kitchen sink]

    “That’s it…don’t fight it…let it out, Mini-Me…OMG!…”

    [sound censored in recognition of joiners]

    “…okay…good girl…I think you’re all…OMG!…”

    [Linda Blair would be proud]

    “…phew!…glad that’s over…that’s a whole lot of…SON-OF-A-BITCH!…”

    [Linda Blair’s a wussy!]

    “…um…is that all you got!?!”

    Mini-Me wheezed, once or twice, before finally catching her breath. She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, coughed once, placed her hands on her hips and answered less…well, dog-like.

    “Phew…thanks, I needed that…what’s for dinner!?!”

    The creeping crud – yes, she is a BITCH – it ain’t got nothin’ on Mini-Me!

    Today, well – having three out of four of my kids home sick and driving each other absolutely crazy with boredom – count me at a loss for finding my Christmas mojo, for sure.

    Perhaps, tomorrow will be better.

    In the meantime, there’s still 5 more sleeps ’til Christmas, don’t count us out just yet. I’m used to planning last-minute and could always put-together one heck of a canine chorus.

    [spraying Lysol before passing out the jingle bells]

    Bark like a dog for mommy, ‘mkay!

  • Living in “The House of Mouse” – No, not THAT one!

    Why…YES!…that is a whole lot of laundry I’ve got, there…and my family would love to go to Disney…one day…when it doesn’t cost an arm…and a leg…or, perhaps selling my first born…but, that’s not what this post is about.

    Thing Two (pictured above with Doofus Dog) is deathly afraid of mice – all she has to hear is just a little scratching, scuffing and scraping, or the cable guy telling me:

    “Yep, those wires sure do look as if they’ve been chewed on, all right!”

    Well, it’s enough to send the poor kid into hiding – dirty, stinky clothes, or not – and me screaming, “No mas,” with the mice, already!

    I mean, it’s not like my kids have never seen them before – we do have an open fields that lead to a tiny creek behind our house – and hasn’t been cold enough, or anything…but, the girls have been complaining (read: AHHHHHHH, UGHHHHHHH and EWWWWWWW!?!) about not being able to sleep, because they swear:

    “There’s a mouse in the house!”

    [picking up empty candy wrappers and kicking aside piles of laundry]

    “Well, can you blame them…look at this room…I mean…EW, can it be any messier…and…UGH, I swear it’s starting to smell really bad in here…and…AH, what is your dirty underwear doing under your pillow!?!”

    Honestly, are everyone else’s girl’s room(s) this messy???

    My son – although, a total heathen at the dinner table – picks up after himself and keeps his room pretty much…you know…without his underwear hanging out all over the place.

    So, when the cable guy – who was absolutely totally nice and adorable, by the way – insisted that he would indeed need to go into the girls’ room to check out the what-ever-you-muh-call-it, I sucked my breath in between my teeth and let out a huge sigh.

    “Dude, it is sooooo your lucky day!”

    [raising eyebrows]

    “Oh, really?”

    [smirking]

    “Uh-huh…c’mon, quick…you’re NOT going to buh-leeve what I am about to show you!!!”

    [hitches up toolbelt]

    “Okay…I doubt that, very much…but, try me.”

    [eyes go wide]

    “Oh…my….GAWD!”

    [takes in a deep breath]

    “This has GOT to be the neatest, cleanest – not to mention purplest – room I have EVER seen!”

    You see, we’d already established the fact that Mr. Cutie Cable Guy was married…with child…and accustomed to dealing with troublesome calls and clientele a little less…um…entertaining.

    “I mean…WOW!…four kids…and you got three of ’em…living in here…together…it must have taken you hours to clean this room!”

    [smiling]

    “Oh, stop it.”

    [winking]

    “No, I swear…you wouldn’t buh-leeve some of the places I have to go…and the things I’ve seen…I mean…it’s my job and all…and they do give me ALL the crazies and wackos…”

    [eyes go wide]

    “…uh…I mean…not that you’re like that…a little bit of a clean freak, maybe…”

    I didn’t give him the chance to finish, grabbed his arm and dragged him back through the house, into the kitchen, up the stairs – pointing out the fact that…YES!…that was MY bra hanging off the banister – and showed him that my room WAS an absolute frickin’ mess, DAMMIT!

    Later.

    It seems that the chore charts I made up for the kids are working – feel free to email me, or leave a comment and I’ll be happy to send you a copy of one! – but, now Mini-Me’s feeling punk, Little Man’s not 100%, yet and it’s even warmer today…than yesterday.

    So, I promised to pay them an extra dollar…EACH…if they got better…before Christmas…and another fifty-cents to mess their rooms up…just a little…especially when company comes!

    Morale of today’s story: Why worry about a mouse in the house, when you’ve got a wack-job for a mother, wiggin’ in the kitchen!

    It’s seven sleeps ’til Christmas,

    and all through the house;

    The kids are all coughing,

    and now we’ve got a freakin’ mouse!

    Send cookies!

  • Picture Perfect Thursday – A House Deconstructed

    What’s red, white and green all over?

    Why, it’s my house…and her house…and his house…and perhaps even your house…as families all over the…well, planet…try and live…yes, LIVE…through the next eleven sleeps ’til Christmas.

    Is it me, or does anyone else feel as if their head is slowly beginning to come apart at the seams – as fast as Little Man’s school project – during the holidays!?!?

    Which brings to mind the old saying, “You can’t have your cake and eat it too” – when used in an incompatible way, sort of like “Happy Holidays” and perhaps even “Merry Christmas “ – because I get it, now!

    I mean, my children are well aware of how difficult it could be – we all wish for “world peace,” or “a cure for cancer” and are truly thankful for “a warm and cozy place to sleep” – but, honestly…there’ll always be someone in need, kids still get sick and darned if someone isn’t fighting over something.

    And I’m just talking about our house!

    It’s enough to make a person see red – not to mention a mom (or dad) waaaaay too cranky – when you’ve already expended most of your energies explaining to your children how they surely are NOT the only kids on the block who do NOT have a cell phone…Xbox…Wii…Wave…whatever…and then the creeping crud hits…and you quickly switch from the green-eyed monster…to the puke fairy…and totally forget about your migraine.

    Yep – having a holly, jolly Christmas? – it’s a battle.

    And just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, my son outs me…in…front…of…his…entire…2nd…grade…class:

    [raising hand]

    “Yes, Little Man…do you have a question?”

    [smiles sheepishly]

    “No…I have a comment.”

    [teacher grins]

    “Um…okay.”

    [shoots quick glance my way]

    “We don’t seem to have much luck with such things at our house.”

    [raises eyebrows]

    “Oh, that’s okay…I’m sure your Mommy’s not the only one…gingerbread houses can be a little tricky to put-together.”

    [shakes head]

    “NO…it’s not the putting-together part that’s hard…it’s the ants, mice and rats that ARE the problem…our house is always infested with ’em!”

    [eyes go wide]

    “Um, what my son means…that is to say…uh…ONCE…the frickin’ ants got to it…the gingerbread house, I mean…ONE TIME!”

    [sound of crickets chirping]

    And if there were a hole deep enough, I would have crawled right in…after them!

    What?

    Did I mention that his class happens to have the largest number of P.T.O. moms, evuh…who just happened to be in attendance, yesterday!?!?!

    The house?

    Sorry, you see…with Mini-Me sick on Friday…helping The Man’s mom and my parents do their shopping on Monday and Tuesday…helping Little Man’s class and dealing with a migraine, yesterday…which, of course means I’ll be slammed with my period next week…we broke into that some-bitch last night…and now the puke fairy is visiting with Thing Two today …so, there’s nothing left to share…but, the creeping crud.

    [smelling of Clorox and spraying Lysol]

    It seems I have very little Christmas cheer left, to boot – but, you know I can’t help it – I still love this time of year and you’ll always have my sympathies!

  • Take a letter…To Santa…From A Mom…Who Still Believes

    Dear Santa,

    I’ve been a good mom [dad] all year.

    I’ve fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited their doctor’s office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground.

    I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son’s red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I’ll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

    Here are my Christmas wishes:

    – I’d like a pair of legs that don’t ache (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don’t hurt or flap in the breeze; but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.

    – I’d also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

    - If you’re hauling big ticket items this year I’d like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn’t broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

    - On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, “Yes, Mommy” to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don’t fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

    - I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting  “Don’t eat in the living room” and “Take your hands off your brother,” because my voice seems to be just out of my children’s hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.

    If it’s too late to find any of these products, I’d settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.

    If you don’t mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season.

    Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable?

    It will clear my conscience immensely.

    It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.

    Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back.

    Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don’t catch cold.

    Help yourself to cookies on the table but don’t eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

    Yours Always, MOM…!

    P.S. – One more thing…you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa.

    [Edited to add:  Santa has asked that this gets passed on to all the mommies (and daddies) you know – feel free to edit with anything you’d like to add?!? – thanks for sending this along to me, Cheryl…I BELIEVE!]

  • Picture Perfect Thursday – The Sanity Clause

    As a stay-at-home-mom — who happens to spend a large portion of the day in the car, btw — if you’re a parent…then you know…a vast majority of our time is spent going to and from another practice (or a meeting) and standing on yet another very looooong line because there’s, “just one more stop we have to make!”

    I swear.

    My kids and I have become accustomed to hearing me holler two very conflicting phrases:

    “Hurry up!”

    …and…

    “Wait!”

    [see picture above]

    180 out of 365, I get to stare at the same cars…ignore the “do not park” signs…and read the same old bumper stickers…twice…and if you are like me…and are prone to severe bouts of pococuRANTism…this can be a very dangerously caustic time, for me – especially at the end of the day!

    “I swear…I’m soooo tired…I haven’t been home all day…I mean…if I have to wait on one more loooooong line…or, hear one more person ask, “You’re NOT working, right?!?” I mean…I swear…I…am…going…to…go…buh…”

    And from somewhere behind me, in a very little voice, Mini-me finishes yet another one of my sentences:

    “Buwshit!”

    [eyes go wide]

    “I mean…dat’s what you would tell dem…wight, Mama!?!?”

    And Thing Two – who is also prone to fits of sheer boredom – playing with my camera phone, snapped a picture of me (ignore the heavy eye baggage and stress-induced zits!) in response:

    “Buh-listic…is what I meant to say!”

    Don’t worry, it’s okay…YES, of course having a potty-mouth is a no-no…but, Mommies and Daddies are the exception to the rule…especially at Christmas…and I explained it to her:

    “Yes, Mini-me…there is a Bullshit Clause!”

    WHAT – didn’t you know – it’s in our contract!?!

    Don’t believe me?

    You can go look it up – GO AHEAD – hurry up, I’ll wait!

  • Putting my behind in the past since 1975…

    …or, something like that…butt, then again…life can be such a bitch, sometimes and (a real pain-in-the-ass, even) is it any wonder moms (and dads) walk around with this sort of…you know…UGH!…kind of look on their faces!?!?

    Especially at this time of year.

    So, here’s the thing…about last night…Thing Two’s girl scout troop had a bowl-a-thon a few weeks ago and has adopted a family (single mom and two girls) for Christmas and I was invited, along with two other moms, to a friend’s house to wrap the gifts.

    A whole lot of presents…good music…and homemade wine (yes, one of the mom’s family makes their own ROCKIN’ red wine!) later, we…you know…started talkin’.

    A lot.

    And drinkin’.

    Okay, I do believe that a little red wine…goes a long way…and, by the way…can wrap like nobody’s business…and know how to hold my liquor…thank you, very much.

    My tongue, not so much.

    In fact, we were done wrapping in little less than an hour…but, the talkin’ went on…and on…and…well, at one point, wine-making-mom looked down at her watch and said:

    “Whoa, is it one o’clock in the morning, already!?!”

    Honestly.

    What can four women…who’ve known each other for more than five years, now…talk about…for six hours!!!???!!!

    Nope.

    Not just the kids – we weren’t born moms, ya’ know – we talked of life b.c. (before children) which, of course, led to conversations about our husbands – apparently, I am NOT the only one frustrated with hers, at the moment – and whatever else happened to be on our minds.

    Times four.

    That’s a whole lot of talkin’ – especially at this time of year – and I was…well…that was some mighty fine wine…and thanks to our girls…we were going to make a family…very happy…so, I was feelin’ pretty festive, actually.

    Until.

    Well, the morning after isn’t always easy…is it?…especially at this time of the year…when perhaps being visited by old ghosts of the past…can seem like even more of a pain-in-the-ass, than usual.

    And then…the door bell rings…the dog barks…the cats go running…rugs, ornaments and the occasional killer dust bunny goes flying…and all bets are off.

    Until.

    The surprise visit…from my parents.

    “We’ve decided that your husband needs to get rid of that piece of shite he’s driving.”

    [eyes go wide]

    “We’re going to help you get that used car he’s been eyeing.”

    [mouth goes dry]

    “For no other reason than the poor bastard needs a break.”

    [blinking back tears]

    “And you’re going to be the one to tell him!”

    Shite.

    I mentioned the arguments, the late nights and the fact that we were…treading water…lightly, so to speak…and that…though, their good intentions were very much appreciated…I did NOT want to go there, again.

    My father simply smiled and agreed:

    “I know you think we don’t understand…but, do I really have to remind you…that we do?”

    [flashback to 1975]

    While the Jeffersons were moving on up…my parents were busy moving us (we were 11 at the time) into a house…one that they could finally call their own…or, as he and my mother dubbed, “the rat’s nest,” appropriately enough.

    It took my parents the next 30 years of tearing down, adding on and renovating to realize their dream home – a nest their kids would consider worth flying home to…and from…one day.

    “We’re not helping you…just because you guys have helped us…you don’t have to help us, either.”

    I bit my lip…but, it didn’t help hold my tongue.

    “Yes, I do…and you do…because, there are enough people out there who don’t care…and won’t…and if you won’t…and I don’t…then, who the hell will…right?!?”

    [blank stare]

    UGH, frickin’ ghosts; stupid car!
    I know it’s a lot to take in (especially at Christmas) but – after sixteen years – it’s okay, honey…I’m sorta…you know…still learning…to take the good…along with the bad, too…even if it means swallowing your pride, a little.
    Besides, after a while, it all tastes just like chicken – Hakuna Matata!

  • Picture Perfect Thursday – Hand In Hand

    Although we were only two-years-old at the time, my brother insists that he remembers our first trip to Hungary and especially this picture of us taken while playing tag in Hero’s Square.

    We passed it around at Thanksgiving and my kids couldn’t stop giggling at “Uncle Bud’s funny-looking suit,” and “Mommy’s goofy shoes.”

    No, I didn’t crop it on purpose – though, scanning it to fit worked out nicely – it’s a picture of a picture and…well…my sister-in-law’s the computer whiz, not me!

    She’s working on a scrapbook for my brother – don’t worry, he doesn’t read my blog and I don’t think I ruined any sort of surprise – and did wonders with this really worn (okay, it’s not that old) photo of us.

    I wish you could see it.

    It looks practically brand new and as if it were only taken…well…way less than 40 years ago, anyways.
    A lot has changed since then and – although we still try to see and speak Hungarian with my parents, as much as we can – my brother and I both have very busy lives which, unfortunately, means that we don’t get to see each other as often as…well…since way back (okay, not that far) when we were kids, really.

    But, when we do, it’s like we were little…all…over…again.

    [same dorky grin]

    “Hey…whuuuuzzzzup!”

    I stand on my tip-toes, kiss him, tell him what’s been bothering me and then remind him to call our folks, sometime soon.

    [sounding like Fozzy Bear]

    “Ahhhh…no problem.”

    You see, it’s been like this…well…forever.

    Even as babies, my parents said I was always the restless one – jumping the hell out of my crib while my brother sat in one corner, contently staring at his socks – and it’s sometimes hard to believe that my brother is even a Gemini, let alone being born twins!

    Then again:

    Gemini go everywhere together, hand-in-hand, symbolizing your dual nature. Our world comes in pairs: good and evil, male and female, in and out, yin and yang — and you Geminis are living proof.

    You think that’s freaky – then you should really see my shoes!