This Full House Archive

Category: So, You From Joisey?

The Blog Post My Husband Will Most Likely Hate – If He Read My Blog, I Mean.

One day, last week (I forget which, exactly) I opened the front door to let the sunshine in and I kept it open, all day.

The birds were chattering (loudly) and the temperature, outside, hovered around 40 degrees.

As the dog watched the dust bunnies frolic, in and out, from underneath the couch, I allowed the calmness of the moment to wash over me and wring my heart free of all the troubles that have claimed squatter's rights for the last few months.

It was glorious.

Then, the clock on the wall began mocking me (BEYOTCH!) a squirrel ran in front of the door (RODENT!) and the dog nearly made my husband's wishes come true, by giving me a heart attack, when he ran, head first, into the glass storm door.

Stupid dog!

Garth [not his real name] has been making light of the fact that perhaps it is time that he looked for a new wife.

"Since, mine seems to be breaking down."

Oh, he didn't mean it, not really, and it's not like he was trying to be mean, or lying, for that matter, it's just that, well, I am…feeling quite broken, at the moment.

"You hate me, don't you?"

Of course, I don't hate my husband — although, I would be tempted to click the "unlike" button, upon occasion, if life was really like Facebook — on the contrary, I often times admit (yes, out loud) that I could NEVER do, you know, what I do, without having Garth [not his real name] on my side.

Until now.

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February 24, 2010
Viewing the World Through Frozen Side Mirrors

Most days, I wake up and, if my feet hit the floor and my head is still attached, then, it really doesn't take much to convince myself that, YES, half the battle is actually getting out of bed and HOORAH! but, it's gonna be a good day…DAMMIT!

Until, it's time to leave the house.

"Why IS it so hard to make a left turn!?!?"

Then, I remembered.

"Oh yeah, 'cawse I live in Jersey!"

Is it just me, along with perhaps the rest of the Eastern seaboard, STILL digging out of one of the snowiest winter's in, well, recorded history (yeah, I'm looking at you, Washington, D.C.) or, has Snowmageddon (or, as I've come to call it, Snowpocalypse) frozen everyone's nice buttons, shut?

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February 17, 2010
On A Long Winter’s Night

And the snow began to fall…aaaaand, fall…school was closed…the next day, too. Then, ALL the lights went out.

"GAAAAAAH!"

Aaaaand, DAYUM, it was dark.

"Don't NOBODY move!"

The sort of inky gloom that makes a person lose all sense of good grammar, too.

"Do we have any candles?"

Is the Pope, well, whatever.

[click, click, click, click]

"I'm cold…I have to go to the bathroom…I'm scared…I'm hungry!"

It's hard, you know? Living in the suburbs.

"Whatever you do, do NOT open that fridge!"

Minutes. Hours. Days. Weeks. Time stops, in the dark.

"Okay, who blew out the candles?"

Like moths to a flame, they just can't help themselves.

"Are we gonna freeze…can we flush the toilet…are we gonna die…do we have enough food?

[click, click, click, click]

"Everyone, close your eyes, take a deep breath and relax."

[whoosh]

"Okay, who blew out the candles?"

Honestly, I don't know how the pioneers did it.

"Um…wait…wait…I got one!"

It's hard, you know? Playing charades…in the dark, inky, gloom.

"No, it's MY turn!"

Minutes. Hours. Days. Weeks. Can cabin fever kill?

[flash, blink, blink, zap]

"POWER'S BACK!"

Aaaand, DAYUM, just in time, too.

"QUICK, turn the lights out AGAIN!"

[ZAP!]

"GAAAAAAH!"

Of course, pioneer parents probably would have agreed that playing head games on your kids is really quite fun.

"Don't NOBODY move!"

Or, perhaps if they had really good timing AND quick access to the circuit breakers, they probably would…I mean.

FWAHMP!

"Okay, who blew one?"

Stupid snowpocalypse!

© 2010 This Full House – All Rights Reserved.

February 13, 2010
Love Thursday: Quiet Time

Love is….finding a quiet moment.

Happy Love Thursday, everyone. May you find yourself…a little quiet time.

If all else fails, tell your kids (or, whoever) that you are giving yourself a time-out, today.

‘Cawse, I said so!

© 2010 This Full House – All Rights Reserved.

February 11, 2010
I Saw Mommy Shake Down Santa Claus

My husband, Garth [not his real name] and I attended his company's holiday party, last weekend and — although, this is our 21st Christmas — it's been a long time since we've attended a company party, together.

"Should we valet-it, tonight?"

We had no choice (no self-parking allowed) seriously, the banquet center is in a real swanky part of the county (I could very nearly spit to Bon Jovi's and Springsteen's house) but, everyone was allowed to bring a guest.

"I don't believe you've met my wife…"

Actually, we both knew only a handful of folks and there were, like, over 200
people there (no biggie, after BlogHer, I know) but, the atmosphere was that of 1 big happy family (mostly) and we ALL toasted my husband's upcoming 1st anniversary with The Kinder and Gentler Bank.

"Would you like another glass of Pinot Grigio?"

Did I mention, there was an open bar?

"I'll have the Chateau Briand, thank you!"

Needless to say, Garth [not his real name] and I were dressed to impress and enjoy ourselves (i.e. no sweatshirts, or hoodies allowed) as it was the 1st time that we've been out, together (sans children) in, like, weeks, months, um…what year is it, again?

"BUUUUUUT, YOU PROMISED TO TAKE ME TO THE MALL!"

Seriously, on a Saturday, at Christmas?

"Yes, you did."

I must have been high on Lysol, or something, but my husband also reminded me that, since our oldest was sleeping over someone else's house (about danged time, too) Heather kindly offered to sit the rest of our kids, for us.

"You take her and I'll take the rest to Five Below, or something."

Besides, it was Heather's turn for some private mommy time and, at 13, I'm just happy that she still, you know, admits that I am her mother, let alone agrees to be seen with me, in public.

"You can take my car!"

WHOOT!…[cue new car smell]…so, I kissed my husband (whispering, in his ear, something about looking forward to, well, you know, later) and we went our separate ways.

"No…toll…paid…what does that mean, Mom?"

[eyes go wide]

"I dunno, I thought the E-ZPass Lane was open and…OH, FRIG!"

Then, I remembered that I had my husband's car.

"Daddy doesn't have E-ZPass?"

Nope. Aaaaand, I'd blown through 2 tolls, already, which cost my husband (does the math) $50.00 in tickets.

"Aaaand, we haven't even gotten to the mall, yet!"

So, I asked Heather to text her father what happened, hoping that it would give him enough time to, you know, get over it.

Then, he texted back.

"Well, at least, something's getting blown around here."

No he didn't. But, if you have kids, then you KNOW he was thinking it, right?

"I'll make it up to you."

Did I mention that there was going to be an open bar?

"It's not like I haven't heard that one, before."

We really did have a wonderful time at the Christmas party and, as we helped our youngest children find their beds (or, which ever one happened to be the closest) Garth [not his real name] and I were still feeling, you know, toasty.

"I can't sleep; can I go upstairs to Glen's bed?"

[eyes go wide]

"Orrrrrrr, did you guys wanna be alone?"

[the sound of a romantic mood, exploding]

This Christmas, I'm giving Garth [not his real name] the gift of hope.

"Maybe we should just install an E-ZPass in OUR bed."

Or, which ever one happens to be the closest, right?

© 2009 This Full House - All Rights Reserved.

December 16, 2009
25 Things You Did NOT Want to Know

My friend WeaselMomma (seriously, that's her name) blogged 25 Things You Didn't Want to Know and then dared me to, you know, participate in a little TMI and, well, since I am ALL about finding new ways to avoid the laundry, here you go:

1. Name someone with the same birthday as you. My twin brother, Steve (HAH!)

2. Where was your first kiss? Bobby Nelson kissed me In an abandoned building near my house (What? I live in Jersey, YO!)

3. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else’s property? Does throwing eggs at the house where meanest man in the neighborhood lived, count?

4. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex? Yes, and the besterd deserved it!

5. Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people? Yes, but a large number of people also sang as back up, at the time, so it's all good.

6. What’s the first thing you notice about your preferred sex? Eyes. My husband, Garth [not his real name] for example, has the prettiest pair of smiling eyes I ever saw and they change from green to blue and sometimes even gray, depending on what he's wearing, so cool.

7. What really turns you off? Bullies (cyber and IRL)

8. What do you order at Starbucks? I'm a McCafe sort of girl, really.

9. What is your biggest mistake? Thinking that I can make everyone (and their Grandmother) happy.

10. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose? No.

11. Say something totally random about yourself. I can raise my right eyebrow (only) and do that, "Live long and prosper," Star Trek thing with my hands.

12. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? Yes. My husband thinks I look a lot like Mariska Hargitay (riiiiiiiight, we both have Hungarian dads…that's about it) and I get stopped by senior citizens at the grocery store, a lot, when I wear my "smart girl glasses," telling me that I look like Sarah Palin. Also, just last night, when my son had two of his friends over playing Scene It and they ALL thought I looked like Demi Moore (in Ghost) aaaaand, if I don't shave my legs, Sasquatch!

13. Do you still watch kiddie movies or TV shows? Yes. I still adore watching Disney movies and there's just something about Sponge Bob….bahahahahahahahahahaha.

14. Did you have braces? No. Wish I did. My oldest two are getting braces in March [shiver] so, I guess I will just have to live vicariously through their having straighter teeth, in a few years, or twenty.

15. Are you comfortable with your height? Yes and no. Although, I've grown used to my 5' 10' frame, I find myself hunching over a lot and blame ALL you shorter people for, you know, my bad posture!

16. What is the most romantic thing someone of the preferred sex has done for you? My husband makes me a fresh pot of coffee (or, caw-fee, if you're from Jersey) every morning, for the last twenty years. What? Caw-fee lovers will perhaps agree, that this is TOTALLY sex-see!!!

17. When do you know it’s love? When he/she makes you coffee, in the morning.

18. Do you speak any other languages? I can speak, read and write Hungarian; some Spanish; know lots of curse words, in many others.

19. Have you ever been to tanning salon? No.

20. Have you ever ridden in a limo? Yes.

21. What’s something that really annoys you? Driving in friggin' Jersey, 'nuf said!

22. What’s something you really like? Christmas music (sorry, Melisa!)

23. Can you dance? At cocktail hour, most anyone can! Can I dance well is another question and, well, I think I've already answered THAT one.

24. Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room? Unfortunately, yes. Friends and family will agree, I am perhaps the clumsiest person on the planet!

25. Tag 5 people! Okay [slapping you on the back] TAG, YOU'RE IT!

Because, I'm not very good at following rules (I get that from my Hungarian grandmother) feel free to leave a comment, answering any one of these questions, and, well, we'll call it even, okay?

Have a great weekend!

© 2009 This Full House - All Rights Reserved.

December 4, 2009
Are You Smarter Than the Head of a Money Laundering Ring?

So, how's that part-time job going? Pretty well, actually. I got paid (yes, REAL money) last week and, well, I was rich (or, richer than the week before, anyway) for all of 5 seconds, when I remembered that, you know, I signed up for direct deposit.

DAMMIT!

It ALL goes into the "house" account, anyway.

Yes, I have a debit card, but it's just not the same as handing over a ten spot and not caring if you get change back, or telling the kid behind the counter to, you know "Keep the change," is it?

As if, I could ever justify buying a cup of coffee (or, if you're from Jersey, it's a cup-uh-caw-fee) for the cost of a gallon of milk and a dozen eggs, too, in some places, right?

Then, I was doing the laundry the other day (I know, act surprised, anyway) and I hit pay dirt!

"That's mine!"

My oldest girls have been helping out A LOT around the house, lately (under duress, from their father, of course) although, I'd love to be able to offer them an allowance, I don't remember the last time I got paid for, you know, doing my laundry.

"How do you know it's yours?"

Besides, they both have regular baby-sitting gigs and STILL get paid way better than I do.

"Beeeeecause, Holly loaned me five bucks."

My 10-year-old son, not so much.

"But, I lost it."

Aaaand, he's real bad with money.

"She gave me some, too."

My 8-year-old, however?

"But, mine's in my pocket!"

One beat…two beats…

"Wait a minute, let me see that money!"

Tell me, is it like this at your house?

8yo: "Hey, that's mine!"

10yo: "How DO YOU know?"

8yo: "Because, that's MY lip gloss!"

10yo: "Well, that IS my paper clip!"

8yo: "Here, you can have it!"

10yo: "That's NOT fair….Mooooooom!"

Aaaand, if it's not like this at your house.

"Here then take the lip gloss, too!"

Then lie to me, and I'll be sure to save you a nice warm spot, okay?

"It's got to be worth at least 4 bucks."

Beeeeecause, hell has GOT to be better than doing the laundry!

8yo: "Wait a minute, let me see that lip gloss!":

In my house, anyways.

© 2009 This Full House - All Rights Reserved.

December 1, 2009
Ghosts of Thanksgiving Past

Bud and Pam's 1st Thanksgiving 2008

Over the years, I've grown accustomed to having family over for the holidays and, as the kids get older, I find myself worrying less about the table setting (nope, it doesn't match) or, the food preparation (yes, some of it comes out of a can) not to mention, I don't bother too much about making lists, anymore (seriously?) or, worry whether I've managed to hunt down each and every dust bunny (they're sort of like pets, really and I've even named a few) or not.

Because, no matter how my husband, Garth [not his real name] and I try, we've come to accept the simple fact that, with a family as big as ours (direct and extended) somethings just don't go right and, before you can say, "Pass the potatoes," someone's puking all over your nice, clean and shiny floors.

Last year?

I pretty much insisted that I would not mind it, in the least, if my brother and his wife, you know, did Thanksgiving.

Because, in our house, it isn't the holidays unless someone in the family is sick or is scheduled for a surgical procedure, like tomorrow.

This year?

Although, my middle girl, Heather (she's 13) is STILL dealing with the same danged creeping crud (WAY better than I have, I might add) it seems to have gone into hibernation.

[knocking on wood until knuckles bleed]

So, the rest of my kids are getting used to learning how to share, rather than compete, for our attention (unfortunately, these days, everything is viral) and my parents, well, they're getting older, too.

Each year, we get to spend together, however difficult, unplanned, or imperfect, IS a gift.

All things considered, along with a few things I haven't bothered to mention (you're welcome) I am very thankful that this passed year wasn't, you know, any worse.

This week?

My brother got some really bad news (cancer can #suckit) and then, with the help of some of our closest Internet friends (yeah, I'm surprised that he friended me on Facebook, too) my brother gave cancer a BIG old-fashioned Jersey bitch-slap, it deserves.

HOOAH!

Although, we probably won't be able to see him and my SIL on Thursday (stupid cancer) I am thankful to know that they are, at least, you know, within spitting distance.

[hocks-a-loogie]

Today?

I'm pretty much ready to take back Thanksgiving and
make that bitch mine.

"Strep test came back negative, but there's a lot of puss on his tonsils and, well, it could be mono."

Glen is home with…um…something…so, we're waiting and hoping his fever breaks, before Thursday and well, just remember to call first, okay?

"Mom, it's up to 103!!!"

Um…OH!…look over there!

[sniff-sniff]

"Are we still having Thanksgiving?"

Did you happen to notice my nice shiny clean floors?

"Oh yes, there WILL be turkey, dammit!!!"

[hocks-a-loogie]

Have a Happy Thanksgiving — or a reasonable facsimile, thereof.

© 2009 This Full House - All Rights Reserved.

November 24, 2009
Mom Sends the Msg: Never Drive Faster Than Your Mom (or Dad) Can Text
If you were to ask me to list the scariest words in the English language, a few years ago, it would have looked something like this:
- Strep throat
- It's probably viral
- Check E. Cheese
- Parent-teacher conference
- I couldn't find any clean underwear (don't ask)
Then, I picked up my oldest daughter (she turned 16, last week) and she laid 6 more on me, right in the middle of the high school parking lot:

"I started driver's ed, today!"

I knew this day would come. Dreaded it more than anything (even hot flashes) actually.

[the sound of brakes, screeching to a halt]

Then, she showed me the Parent Resource for Teen Driving Safety manual she received and I was all, like:

"You wanna drive home?"

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November 16, 2009
Into the Woods

Over the river and thru the woods,

Oh, how the wind does blow!

It stings the toes and bites the nose,

As over crispy ground we go.

Sometimes, you just have to grab an extra blanket, maybe even a fishing pole, or two, hop into the car, drive to where the sun sets deep into quiet shades of autumn and leave the rest of the world behind.

"Picnik Show"

Create a free slideshow with Picnik!

Yes, yesterday was one of those days.

© 2009 This Full House - All Rights Reserved

November 7, 2009