This Full House Archive

Category: Raising Teens, Tweens & Killer Dust Bunnies

  • There’s a hole in the bucket, dear GarthNHRN.

    My husband, Garth (not his real name) has a lot of stuff on his plate at work. So, When it comes to taking care of the stuff here in the house, the kids and I have this one unspoken rule: if it is NOT broken, don't try to fix it. And if it is broken, then for the LOVE of all the things that mom let's YOU get away with, do NOT tell your father.

    Because, more often than not, I was the one who probably broke it AND that is precisely when the "unspoken" part of the rule would come into play.

    Long story, short (seriously, I love you guys THAT much!) we've done A LOT of this, lately:

     

    Even longer story, short (this is the part where you begin to understand exactly WHY my husband does NOT allow me to use his real name and then start to feel VERY thankful that you do NOT have to live with me, you're welcome!): our house phone hasn't been working right (like in, not at all) since forever.

    The phone line shows in use, although it is not, so incoming calls are not getting through to the phone (it rings through for the caller, the phone does not ring on our end), but the calls ARE showing up on our caller i.d., which seems to be working fine on our television, judging by the kids hollering THE NAME of whoever happens to be calling at the time, because of course.

    "GRANDMA'S CALLING!!!!!"

    Fun times, my friends. Aaaaaanyway. The phone guy was here last week and declared our phone lines #FUBAR, because OF COURSE!  And, after seeing signs of an on-going renovation (although longtime readers will already know that it's been going on for the last 20 years, but whatever), he insisted that we could probably save the $100 bucks and just have Garth (not his real name) fix it.

    Which, in my mind, I'm hearing as:

    • We could save some money.
    • Instead of bleed money.
    • Because, quite frankly, with another kid looking at colleges AND taking into consideration the laws of #FUBAR…dude…we are ALL bled out.
    • But, we could actually save some money.
    • And maybe my husband will feel good about having fixed something, himself.
    • Oh, and we could save some money.

    So then, GarthNHRN surprised me by taking the day off from work on Friday…to do just that…okay, maybe not. Still. It was super-great timing on his part, RIGHT?!?

    And then, I decided to do a speed clean, while he showered, because I am super-efficient like that AND a dazzlingly-clean floor helps to distract people from noticing all the sheetrock (feel free to use that tip, btw!) until I noticed the loose tile behind the door and then found the hole in the floor.

    We took in some water damage during Hurricane Irene (and then the house took another hit during Superstorm Sandy), but what we didn't realize is the sub-flooring had gotten squishy in sections by the door and, well, #FUBAR!!!

    Aaaaand, it took ALL my strength NOT to enforce the "unspoken" rule and show my husband.

    He took it better than I thought, although I could almost hear his brain screech to a halt and see the hair that hadn't already turned gray…go white…so, I enforced the "one thing at a time" rule and we decided to focus on fixing the phone line…because #FUBAR!!!

    We then headed to our home away from home…Home Depot.

    "I need to get a new staple gun, because you broke mine."

    Actually, NO!!! I broke my husband's electric staple gun, but that was YEARS ago!!! And I know…FOR A FACT…that he decided to replace it with a non-electrical staple gun…after I nearly electrocuted myself…by accident.

    Pro-Dork Tip: metal screening and electric do NOT mix.

    I actually said that…OUT LOUD…to the amusement of a couple of contractors and such…and if you ARE a contractor, you really should be shopping with us at Home Depot (or Lowes, we're easy) because, #FUBAR!!!

    And then GarthNHRN reached for the non-electrical staple gun.

    "It used to look like this one!"

    But, I still insisted it couldn't have been me who broke it, because I couldn't even squeeze the trigger handle hard enough on THIS one to use it…aaaaaaaaand…oh, wait.

    [eyes go wide]

    Here's another Pro-Dork Tip: using a hammer on a staple gun, to help bang the trigger handle down on the staple gun, WILL break the staple gun.

    Right. So. If anyone needs me, I'll be waiting for ANOTHER repairman…in the floor behind the front door…most likely. 

    [cue Walter, laughing]

    And for those of you too young to understand the reference to the blog title, here ya' go:

     

    Oh, and just so you know, GarthNHRN was able to fix the phone line, 6 hours and $150 later…stupid phone guy, dumbass squishy floors.

    ©2003 -2014 This Full House with a fan page on Facebook, a way for you to subscribe to receive This Full House blog post by Email and everything! 

  • Parenting teens: the call home protocol.

    The call home protocolAs a parent-type blogger with older kids (i.e. can quantify their ages using both hands AND having moved over to their feet, even) I sometimes feel this incredible need to share a few insights to help save other parents (especially, those with younger kids) a few sleepless nights, or twenty. 

    This week: we're expecting another snow storm (seriously, enough with the polar vortex, it's called winter!) and I tend to spend my off hours worrying, rather than sleeping, especially during snow storms, because kids with their driver's licenses, yo.

    Aaaaaand, sometimes they sort of forget to call me, whenever they get to wherever it is they are going, because parents don't sleep…period.

    So, I'd like to share with you one of my favorite ways of getting the message of "CALL ME WHEN YOU GET THERE, DAMMIT!!!" across.

     

    **offers a plate of cookies, passes over the clicker**

    You're welcome.

    ©2003 -2014 This Full House with a fan page on Facebook, a way for you to subscribe to receive This Full House blog post by Email and everything! 

  • Sometimes teens remember the good stuff, too.

    One of the most memorable moments of the 2014 Sochi Olympics for our family was watching my fellow Team Kelloggs and Team USA athletes Meryl Davis and Charlie White skate their way to a gold medal in ice dancing.

    You see, through our partnership with Kellogg’s (an official sponsor of the U.S. Olympic and Paralympic Teams) I had the super-awesome opportunity of wishing Meryl and Charlie well and also allowed me the “once in a lifetime” chance to skate with them on The Rink at Rockefeller Center, while taping this segment for the TODAY Show  in NYC.

    Okay, I lied. I was in charge of watching everyone’s stuff (stupid borked-up back) and WOO-HOO-ing the loudest, take a look:

    I am very happy to be able to tell you that Meryl and Charlie are just as down to Earth and awesome in person, as they seem on and off the ice. Both are proving to be really great role models for kids, too.

    Especially young adults, who are struggling in school (Meryl was diagnosed with dyslexia and battled with reading until the 11th grade) and perhaps are having a hard time believing in their own aspirations.

    I know, because each and every one of my kids has struggled with self-belief (still do, DAGNABIT!) and it doesn’t get any easier in high school. 

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  • One man’s fashion failure, another mom’s super suit.

    As a mom of 3 girls — oh, and a boy who understands the correlation between the changing phases of the moon and its affect on female behavior as more than just a survival tactic — I believe in the restorative powers of comfort food, especially in the wintertime.

    This same line of reasoning, however, does NOT always translate well with clothes.

    For example: my husband hates, Hates, HAtes, HATes, HATEs, HATES it when I try to explain away my wearing distressed jeans, most especially when I am super stressed.

    Aaaaaand, if these back-to-back snowstorms don't quit it soon, I may NEVER take them off, because asshats multiply in the snow.

    This week, it snowed (A LOT!) and it was STILL SNOWING when my middle girl texted to tell me she needed a ride to her internship gig, because her carpooling friend decided to stick it out at school and just take the bus home, smart girl.

    On the other hand, my kid is struggling with calculus (it's okay, she knows it!) and would rather NOT have to stay in school, any longer than necessary, anyways.

    Plus, she LOVES her mentorship with our county's council for fine arts…me, too.

    I then did the math, because it is NOT calculus: 24.6 miles to her school, 17.1 miles back to the theater, 11.3 miles back home again…rinse…repeat…[sound of brakes, screeching]…I'm just glad Google maps is not interactively live, because it would be looking for a puke bucket, right about now.

    "Hon-NEY, where ARE my SUPER stressed pair of jeans?!?"

    Long story, short: both my husband and my oldest daughter offered to make the run for me, but I chose to put my big girl pants on…actually, they are capris…and texted my middle girl to let the theater know we may be a little late, because I will be driving very, like in very, verrrrrrrrrrrrrrry, slooooooooooooooowly.

    And then I figured on spending the next couple of hours just sitting in my car…yes, I am THAT good at planning out stuff that allows me the opportunity to NOT drive in the snow…maybe even read a book or something.

    Then the sun came out, or at least I think it was the sun (later confirmed with my friends on Facebook and Instagram!) but I wasn't ready to go home, because KILLER DUST BUNNIES!!! 

    So I decided to drive the 2.6 miles to Trader Joe's, because I have never been and…well…now I know…OMG, COOKIE BUTTER!!!

    "Excuse me, but where is your ladies room?"

    I get REALLY excited sometimes, then I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror:

    Me and my stresssed jeans

    Here is Liz, ladies and gentlemen: she's wearing her favorite SUPER stressed jeans, her husband's puffy-insulated-type-sweatshirt thingy, along with her oldest daughter's furry boots…because they were just long enough to cover up the fact that she is actually wearing capris pants…and…YES…the girl can work her dorkside, for sure.

    Aaaaaaand, I would like to take this moment to publicly apologize to the woman standing in front of me at Shop Rite, who I judged as being high maintenance (North Face jacket, Ugg boots, Louis Vuitton bag) the night before.

    I was wrong and I am very, very sorry. You just go ahead and keep working it…GIRRRRRL!!!

    To the asshats who continually insist on riding my bumper…during a snowstorm…in the slow lane…feel free to continue to BITE ME!!!

    Stupid polar vortex, dumbass winter.

    ©2003 -2014 This Full House with a fan page on Facebook, a way for you to subscribe to receive This Full House blog post by Email and everything!  

  • Together Counts: because, some of us parents need all the help we can get (ahem!)

    As a mom, with 20+ years of experience in trying NOT to mess up her kids, I feel it safe to tell you that the secret to balance is really quite simple, because there is NO secret: balance is all a matter of perspective.  

    Maintaining a healthy lifestyle, for a family of 6, while running in twice as many different directions (sometimes, all in the same day) without one (or all) of us experiencing the proverbial crash and burn is a challenge my family and I face, every single day.

    TogetherCountsBadgeThat is why I am very honored to have partnered with the good folks at  Together Counts — a program inspiring active and healthy living through energy balance — as a contributing blogger to the Together Counts blog for 2013.  In case you missed it, here’s a quick recap of our contributions for the last year:

     

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  • Parenting teens: the face infographic.

    Having entered my 11th year of blogging…she said, in a Gandolf-like voice…I sometimes feel this incredible need to share a few insights, if you will, to help save other parents a few headaches — especially, parents of younger kids.

    In case you missed it: there's the little infographic to help reinforce a more realistic homework ritual and the how much should you help your child with their school project infographic.

    This week? I'm laid up with a kidney stone-type pain (they ARE the devil!) and, once again, my husband used his super-power of being able to assess EXACTLY how badly I feel with 8 simple little words: do you need to go to the hospital?!?

    You know, I could never figure out those pain scales…either…which inspired me to create an infographic to help other parents decipher their child's facial expression(s), based on the top 5 faces I get from my teens.

    The Face Infographic Framed

    **passes bottle of [insert favorite brand of pain reliever, here]**

    You're welcome.

    ©2003 -2014 This Full House with a fan page on Facebook, a way for you to subscribe to receive This Full House blog post by Email and everything! 

  • Winter of discontent, breeder of constructive anxiety.

    It's snowing (again!), the kids are home from school (see previous parenthesis!) and, although I am thrilled to NOT have to worry about my oldest driving (it's her day off, YAY!) or our school buses getting through this mess, I'm just hoping they actually finish out the year…before the 4th of July.

    Maximus 5

    2 out of 6 people in this house actually like the snow, I am NOT one of them.

    The cold weather is rough for a lot of folks. Especially, if you are prone to winter depression. Most especially, when you are dealing with a physical disability. But, you know what's really hard? Watching the people you love, more than ANYTHING on this planet, try and fight their way through both.

    Maximus 2

    Aaaaand, if you are a parent, well, then you already know that there is NOTHING worse than seeing your child in pain. Physical, mental, emotional, it doesn't matter. Unless you are a parent of a teen, or caring for an aging parent, who's grown accustomed to feeling alone and helpless, then it's like walking around with an epic splinter, embedded deep inside your chest, constantly poking at your heart.

    Maximus 7

    I once thought the best Garth (not his real name) and I could hope for (as parents) is that our children grow up to be healthy, happy and relatively well-adjusted human beings.

    Only NOW do I realize that it is a lifelong process, for ALL of us.

    Maximus 3

    So, when the problems seem insurmountable (like today), it helps to know that sometimes…some…ding…danged…times…the answer is as simple as embracing the ability to look beyond the storm.

    Kids (in unison): Hey, daddy's home!

    Finding that…one…bright…spot…of…hope.

    Me: Oh, wow, they actually let you come home WAY early, huh?

    AND then cling to that mother-trucker…FUH-EVER…or, at least, until the next BIG storm.

    Garth (not his real name): I didn't text you, because you've got enough to worry about.

    Although I prefer to think of it as more like "constructive anxiety" am I right?!?

    [sound of crickets, chirping]

    Stupid ground hog, dumbass Winter Storm Maximus.

    © 2003 – 2014 This Full House with a fan page on Facebook and everything! 

  • Parenting teens: the school project infographic.

    So, last week, I created a little infographic to help reinforce a more realistic homework ritual to help save other parents (especially, those with younger kids) a few headaches.

    This week? I was inspired by my friend Beth (a.k.a. Life in the BAT Cave) to create an infographic to help your child complete school projects – which, at second glance, could pretty much be used as another homework infographic — because I am also really good at multi-tasking, for you, like that. 

    School Project Infographic Edited

    **passes bottle of [insert favorite brand of wine or beverage of choice, because I'm easy, here]**

    You're welcome.

    ©2003 -2014 This Full House with a fan page on Facebook, a way for you to subscribe to receive This Full House blog post by Email and everything! 

  • Help teens get a great start in the morning, for real!

    Jim Craig and Me

    As a Kellogg’s KChamps partner, I had the extreme pleasure of meeting with U.S. Olympic legends (that’s me over there, standing with 1980 Olympic Hockey Gold Medalist…Jim Craig…seriously?!?) and athlete hopefuls representing Team USA to help kick-off the 100 day countdown to the Sochi 2014 Olympic Winter Games.

    I know, who ever thought a dork like me would EVER be able to say that, out loud, RIGHT?!?

    Kellogg’s is also an official sponsor of the U.S. Olympic and Paralympic Teams and, now that we are just a few days away from the opening ceremonies for the winter games (February 7th, whoot!!!), I am super-excited to join the Kellogg’s Team USA athletes in kicking-off the Great Starts Program for 2014 AND help share in their Olympic journey!

    This month, they’ve challenged me…personally…to share tips to help other families with teens get the best possible start to their mornings: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!!

    Aaaaand, if you know me…personally and/or virtually…then you know how I like to keep it real AND snarky.

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  • Confession: I’m almost 50 and I’m okay wit-it.

    Contrary to popular opinion, raising older kids (i.e. can quantify their age(s) using more than two hands) does have its perks: I don't worry so much about having age-appropriate conversations.

    Because, as most parents of older kids already know, I consider myself pretty gosh-darned lucky whenever my teens DO decide to talk to me, AT ALL.

    Son: Madonna needs to retire.

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