This Full House Archive

Category: Lazy, Hazy, Crazy Days of Summer

  • The 11th First Day of School

    Photo0733.jpg

    "Wait, let me take your picture!!!"

    My 11 year-old son (the ONLY boy in the house, btw) is smiling, but inside I know that he was all, like, JEEZ!

    "CRAP!  Wait, it's too dark!"

    Frankly, the kid has lived with me long enough to know that, you know, it's just easier to pretend EVERYONE'S mother is a dork (like me) especially, on the first day of school.

    "Okay, now, smile!"

    Photo0738.jpg

    DAMMIT!  Hang on.  Can I just, you know, UGH!!!  Wait a minute.  Is he?  Nooooo.  Who am I kidding?  Maybe he was just wiping some leftover sleep from his eye.  Or, a bug flew up his nose (it COULD happen) still, it would be nice to think that my kids, you know, like having me around, kind of, sort of, too.

    Photo0736.jpg

    "Wait, let me take your picture!!!"

    My youngest daughter (she's 9) was packed and ready to start school, a couple of weeks ago and, no, I can't say as I blame her.

    "CRAP!  Wait, it's too light!" 

    She's the last of my kids to ever enter the 4th grade and, I'm sorry, but I just don't remember the other 3 ever looking THIS little.

    "Okay, now, smile!"

    Photo0739.jpg

    DAMMIT!  They just NEVER wait, anymore, do they?  Maybe she was feeling sorry for her baby sister (ahem) or, because she's a freshman now and doesn't start HER high school until next week (SOB!) still, it would be nice to think that my kids, you know, really do like each other, kind of, sort of, too.

    "Wait a minute…"

    [scrolls thru cell phone]

    "…who did I forget?"

    DAMMIT!  I'm just NOT ready to admit that MY OLDEST IS A JUNIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL!!!  Maybe, it was just WAY too early in the morning and I couldn't find my phone (it COULD happen) still, it would be nice to think that she already knows, after ALL these years, I love her, just the same.

    Wait a minute!

    Holly's Hair

    Does a "night before school starts" picture of my coloring her hair count for at least something?!?

    [sound of many crickets, chirping]

    Besides, the fact that, you know, YES, I am one of THOSE moms and, well, there could be worse things.

    [ducks lightning bolt]

    Like, she could have a mother stupid enough to actually leave that picture (up there) on Flickr, right?

    [cricket]

    Riiiiiight.  Wait a minute.  She DOES read my blog.  D'OH!  Never mind.

    © 2010 This Full House / This Full House Gone Shopping

  • When You Give a Doofus-Dawg a Watermelon

    Doofus Dawg on Watermelon

    Doofus-Dawg on Watermelon 

    I love my dog.  Truly, I do.  Most of the time.  He is a rescue.  They found him tied to a dumpster.  I can only imagine his life, b.u. (before us) still, there ARE pretty good reasons why we also refer to Rudolph as Doofus-Dawg (a.k.a. Pinhead) and why my husband, Garth (not his real name) texted me, while I was having dinner with the kids at my folks' house, last night.

    "Wet sticky spot on living room rug, trail of dried juice on kitchen floor, watermellon gone, dish appears not to have broken, I'm not speaking to the dog."

    Yes, he spelled watermelon wrong, so, I knew he WAS, you know, pretty angry.

    "Where r u?"

    Aaaand, I didn't answer him (right away) because, you know, I was THE ONE who left the watermelon on the counter.

    "Why is the floor SO sticky?"

    My son (he's 11 and, besides the dog and cat, is the ONLY boy in the house) woke up in a HORRIBLE mood, this morning.

    "Rudolph ate some watermelon, last night."

    Aaaand, he seems to be paying for it (see photo above) too.

    "Ah, man, you kiddin' me, who left the watermelon out?"

    Apparently, he wanted some.

    "Um…Daddy DID!"

    Relax.  One good rescue deserves another, right?  Besides, I'll tell him the truth, later (maybe) suffice it to say, I'm the one that has to live with the boy, for the next 8 hours, or so.

    "AH, MAN!!!"

    School starts tomorrow…THANKGAWD…stupid dog!!!

    © 2010 This Full House / This Full House Gone Shopping

  • What I UnLearned on My Summer Vacation

    Happy 20th Anniversary, Garth (not his real name!)

    Happy 20th Anniversary to us, Garth (not his real name!) 

    Most of my kids go back to school, this week — my middle girl has been accepted into a specialized high school and doesn't start until the Tuesday after Labor Day AND yes the other kids are NOT happy about it.

    So, to soften the mood of our house (seriously, where DID the summer go?) my husband Garth (not his real name) surprised me for our 20th Wedding Anniversary (thanks for the well wishes, btw!) by taking a vacation day last Wednesday, Thursday AND Friday to spend more time with me (yes, ME!) doing absolutely nothing of REAL importance, which truly is a  MONUMENTAL act of love, on his part.

    Trust me, I know!!!

    Although, it's nice to find some folks sharing their secrets to a happy marriage (97 of them, to be exact) I just think it would be prudent to just tell you that Garth (not his real name) and I have absolutely NO idea how we made it, this far!

    Especially, considering what happened THIS passed weekend. 

    (more…)

  • The Year of the Big Dress and Cinderella Poof!

    1990 Bride

     August 25, 1990 

    20 years ago (I know…I'm old…shuddup!) I was cruising down the Parkway (a.k.a. Garden State Parkway, for those of you who aren't, you know, from Jersey) surrounded by taffeta and covered in tulle (it was the end of the 80's, baby) as my soon-to-be-sister-in-law mooned traffic and made me laugh so hard, I snorted champagne out of my nostrils!

    You would have thought SHE was the one getting married (the aforementioned Parkway-mooner, I mean) the way her hand shook, each time she filled my paper cup.

    It took her forever to FINALLY convince her brother to ask me out.

    "Just this once and then you leave me alone, right?"

    I guess, since we DID get engaged, only 2 months later, she was just hoping it would, you know, work out.

    Flash forward 20 years:  taking into consideration, ALL the good times (and bad) oh, and even those days that totally sucked hairy donkey balls (you're welcome!) not to mention, 4 kids, 2 cats, 1 sock-eating doofus-dog AND enough laundry to circle the planet (twice) YES, I really would do it ALL over again.

    However, this time, perhaps with MORE champagne, a little less tulle and I'd be the one, you know, mooning the Parkway.

    So, what ARE we doing for our 20th?


    [shrugs shoulders]

    Well, in lieu of fine china (which, is a really bad gift idea, for a klutz, like me, btw!) we're celebrating by taking our kids hiking to Bushkill Falls, PA today (it's where he proposed) then, having lunch at Hot Dog Johnny's in Buttzville, NJ (I kid you not!) followed by a burping contest across the Delaware (because, nothing burps better than Johnny's birch beer!) and then probably order in for some Chinese food, tonight.

    Because…unlike Cinderella…I did NOT marry the man of my dreams…THANK GAWD and I do….TRUST ME…every blessed day!!!

    © 2010 This Full House - All Rights Reserved.

  • Wordless Wednesday
    Sisters Act…ing, Nicely

    Holly and Heather Summer 2010Holly and Heather, Bayshore Waterfront Park 2010

    Taken with my cell phone.  Imagine what I could do with a REAL camera?  Yeah, I'm looking at you, Garth (not his real name!)

    Check out the Official Wordless Wednesday HQ
    Tag,
    you're it:       

    © 2010 This
    Full House Blog     – All Rights Reserved.

  • Surviving Foot in Mouth Disease

    I ran into a friend of mine at the drug store, on Saturday — seriously, nearly knocked her over right in front of the feminine products aisle — we haven't seen each other since, well, the last days of school and spent the next few minutes, you know, catching up.

    "Enjoying a nice, quiet summer, I hope?"

    I continued to babble on and on, trying to distract her from noticing the fact that I had NOT shaved my legs in two weeks (you're welcome!) by saying something about my two most favorite days of the year being the last day of school AND the first day of school!

    "Did you hear that my mother died?

    Aaaaand then, my brain screeched to a halt.

    "Oh…no…I am SO sorry."

    As, I lied (like a cheap rug) and pretended that I hadn't heard of the poor woman's loss.

    (more…)

  • High Tides and Green Skies, Jersey Forever?

    The Overlook

    Mount Mitchill Scenic Overlook County Park, Atlantic Highlands, NJ

    Actually, it was grayish, rainy and a bit chilly, yesterday.. PERFECT weather for some late summertime fun…here, in Jersey, anyway.

    A lot of folks seem to like visiting New Jersey (on purpose) especially, our neck of the Jersey shore and I'm okay with that (mostly) I mean, if it weren't for the Bennies (i.e. people who visit here, only in the summertime) we'd probably have to pay A LOT MORE money to get on our beaches and MTV would NOT currently hold the #1 google rank it does, you know, today…DAMNIT!

    Why so sensitive? 

    (more…)

  • Who’s Been Sitting in My Chair and Why is My Kid Calling it Mom?

    Mommy's Little Doppelganger

    My husband, Garth (not his real name) met me at the train station on Sunday and, after taking a quick look at my swollen legs, scaly arms, blistering hands and blotchy neck (you're welcome!) believing that my recent poison ivy infection had somehow morphed into leprosy (ditto) he drove me straight to the doctor's office.

    "I can't breath."

    Apparently, I still hadn't gotten over an unexpected trip to a NYC hospital and BusyMom wasn't around.

    (more…)

  • Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Attend BlogHer: SaveHer ’10

    BlogHer 10 Time Square

    I mean, really, wrangling 2,000+ registered attendees (not to mention, the 11-ty billion others already living in/visiting NYC) something's bound to go wrong (coming from someone, whose attempts at throwing a dinner party, for 6, the last 16 years, has failed, miserably, more often than not) and, well, someone's destined to get their feelings hurt (see previous parenthesis) or, break something (ditto) right?

    No worries, SaveHer '10 is here (i.e. alternate title: Riding in an Ambulance with BusyMom!)

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  • Reason #91,034,199 Why I WILL NOT Be Pregnant at #BlogHer10!

    I dropped the kids off at my folks' place today and it's, like, back-to-school quiet around here.  Good thing, too, seeing as I'm not even packed, yet.

    "We're hungry!"

    Last week?  Sucked donkey balls (that one's for my friend, Surprised Mom) and, well, good thing I am the master of spontaneous parenting.

    [looks in fridge]

    "BREAKFAST…it's what's for dinner!"

    So, tonight, I'm sitting here, at the kitchen table…ALL…BY…MYSELF…and listening to absolutely nothing…except, for the sounds of my husband Garth (not his real name) making dinner.

    "Stir fry sound good, for you?"

    Sure, I'm a little hesitant about leaving the kids (with my parents, I mean) still, they are getting older and basically take care of themselves (my kids, I mean) especially, if there's cable and a microwave nearby (oh, I kid, sort of) and my oldest girls are really GREAT at holding down the fort, in an emergency.

    "Do you mind if I head over to Kohls?"

    This week, I spent 90 minutes at Dress Barn on Monday and all I got was a stinkin' scarf (cute, but it still sorta stinks that I couldn't find anything else) to show for it.

    "Okay, but I have to tell you something."

    Which is really code for, "This way, I don't have to look at you," in teen text.

    "But, I don't want to tell you over the phone."

    Aw, crap.

    Long story, short (you're welcome) here's the gyst of what happened…in bullet points:

    • Hope (she's 9) has been asking me, every other day, to tell her about where babies came from
    • At that very moment, on each of those days, I've had exactly 5 minutes, to spare
    • Hope got tired of waiting
    • Hope asked her brother, Glen (he's 11) where babies came from
    • Aaaaand, he told her.

    Because, I already had "the talk" with Glen — thanks a lot, Garth (not your real name!) — and, well, the boy was doing me a favor.

    The girls punished him, anyway.

    "What he say?"

    Bulleted version:

    • The husband lays on top of the wife
    • He shoots this fish-like thing inside her
    • It buries itself into one of the wife's eggs
    • The egg grows inside the wife and turns into a baby

    Aaaaand, he was right…mostly.

    "Put him on the phone."

    So, I un-punished Glen, scolded Holly and Heather (seriously, who's the mommy?) and promised to have "the talk" with Hope…aaaaaafter, I get back.

    Morale of the Story: Kohls RAWKS, cell phones are NOT the devil and my husband's stir fry tastes even better…cold…pregnant…or, SO NOT!!!

    In the meantime, look for me at BlogHer — I'll be the tall, dork-ish one texting her kids — trying to convince my youngest two that Headless Mom, you know, really does have a head and my oldest two that her blog name has absolutely NOTHING to do with sex!

    I think.

    © 2010 This
    Full House Blog     – All Rights Reserved.