This Full House Archive

Category: It’s not the years, HONEY – it’s the mileage!

Hope Has Another Birthday

Happy 8th Birthday, Hopey [formerly known as Mini-me] 'cause nobody RAWKS a Band-Aid like you do, baby girl!

You grazed your elbow, bumping into the kitchen wall and skinned the side of your foot running out of your shoes, proving to your grandparents, once more, that you, my littlest one, are growing up to be more like your mother, every day.

"Please, be careful."

You always get SO excited about your birthday. So do your sisters and brother. Remember last year? When you grew tired of waiting for mommy and took upon yourself to send out your own birthday party invitations.

"Hi, I'm calling to RSVP for Hopey's brithday party tomorrow!"

[sound of crickets chirping]

Good thing you remembered to include our phone number, right?

My, how you've grown since your last birthday!

Remember how fun your "real" party was, though — your sisters and brother worked really hard to include all of your favorite party games, like a pillow case relay and an eating contest using your favorite donuts (powdered sugar) and Holly's face painting skillz are totally wicked, right?

This year?

Well, mama and papa haven't been feeling so great. So, we've been spending a lot of our weekends visiting with them. There just doesn't seem to be enough time to do, well, everything else. You are my youngest and old enough to know that sometimes things just don't work out quite like we would like them to, no matter how hard we try to plan them.

"It's okay, Mommy, I can always have my friends come over on summer vacation, or something."

It's always something, isn't it?

"Did you get Hopey a birthday present, yet?"

[sound of crickets chirping]

Late last night, I took your oldest sisters out, alone, to shop for bathing suits.

"Just…pick…one…already!"

You know how hard it is to shop with them, right?

"The store is closing in 15 minutes!"

Aaaand, I still had to get you a present.

"What do you mean, you don't have any more Camp Rock!?!?"

Actually, they didn't have any dolls left and I know how much you LOVE Joe Jonas — even though he didn't answer any of your fan letters — but, mommy waited until the last minute (AGAIN!) and, well, sometimes stuff like this just doesn't seem fair, does it?

"SPECTACULAR!"

Did you ever notice how loud some teenagers can get — especially, in Target — annoying, right?

"No, look, Hopey loves Nikko!"

Who?

"Nevermind, just trust me, okay Mom?!?"

I mean, you ALL do share the same bedroom and your sisters seem to know you way better…than I do!

"Good night, Mommy."

We didn't get home until almost 10:00 o'clock and, well, I know, you should have been in bed (and asleep) as most almost 8-year-olds would be, probably, already.

"It's okay, if you're too tired to do my birthday clues."

I hid them right before daddy and I went to bed [yes, I make my kids hunt for their birthday presents] only because you have this way of making mommy forget what hurts and I think maybe you learned that from watching your sisters and brother.

Sorry, I should have vlogged your reaction for Holly to see, when she gets home from school later, but mommy didn't have her coffee yet and wasn't quite quick enough!

I mean, judging by this, "SPECATUCULAR!?!?" look on your face, they really do seem to know what they' are doing, right?

I mean, Heather got you this super cool, Super Girl cape on her 7th grade class trip to Great Adventure, last week. Awesome, right?

Aaaand, Glen did give you Tech Decks thinking that you'd probably enjoy having a set of your own, instead of, you know, playing with his….ALL THE TIME!

Still, the best part is when I took this picture of you hugging your dad, since we don't seem to have many of those, I'm not quite sure why, but daddy didn't even yell at me for taking his picture…oh, wait…yeah, now I remember.

You know how we ALL get so busy and sometimes forget to show it — wow, look how you've grown since last year — but, I hope you realize how very much we love you, right?

Nobody RAWKS a pink satin super suit like you do, baby girl!

Because, there is only one Hope and life just wouldn't be the same without you — have a super Happy Birthday, sweetie — we love you, Hopey!!!

© 2009 This Full House – All Rights Reserved.

June 16, 2009
Shredding Me Some Lemon Meringue Pie
Want some fries with those abs, DAMNIT?

I've been doing this thing called Jillian Michaels – 30 Day Shred, where masochistic people (like me) are taking back their waistlines, in the shortest possible time. So, I've been shredding my butt (on and off) for the last 2 weeks and…DAYUM…it hurts!

Still, the way I figure it, 20 minutes of non-stop physical movement, panting and sweating in places like a woman ought not is better than just sitting in front of the television and hollering at people to eat a sandwich, or something.

Now, I holler at Jillian Michaels.

"I…[pant]…hate…[pant]…you…[pant]…you…[pant]…maso…[pant]…chistic…[pant]…witch!"

So, to lighten things up a bit — seriously, why do we ALL get so verklemped before BlogHer? — my husband, Garth [not his real name] sent me this cute little quiz.

"Oh…[pant]…good…[pant]…now…[pant]…I'm…[pant]…hungry…[pant]…DAMNIT!"

So, if one of the eight desserts listed below were sitting in front of you, which one would you like to just bury your face into…uh…I mean, which one would you choose?
1. Angel Food Cake
2. Brownies
3. Lemon Meringue
4. Vanilla Cake with Chocolate Icing
5. Strawberry Shortcake
6. Chocolate Cake with Chocolate Icing
7. Ice Cream
8. Carrot Cake
Sorry, you can only pick one. Pick your dessert, and then look to see what psychiatrists think about you…if you dare.

REMEMBER – No Cheating. Make your choice before you check the meaning:

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June 13, 2009
Around the Clotheslines and Through the Drainage Pipes to Grandmother’s House We’d Go

Like a lot of (ahem) kids our age, my brother and I grew up watching Sesame Street. Except, in the summer – when we would disappear, soon after breakfast and stay gone, until lunch, or when one of us noticed that…UH-OH!…when the heck did those street lights come on?

Then, we ALL hauled ass home in order to avoid a beating.

Yeah, I know. There were a lot of us latch key kids, back then. It was a different time. Still. I'm raising my kids pretty much the same way (with a lot less beatings, of course) on the other hand, I can also understand how some folks (like me) would find it difficult to let go of their own childhood and allow their kids the chance to fail, let alone, take risks.

Personally, I draw the line at drainage pipes.

Still. My parents, my in-laws and even my brother think that I do way too much WITH my kids, but my bro gets a pass, because he doesn't have any…kids, I mean.

But, did you ever try telling a kid that:

"Sorry, mommy can't come and help your class re-create the Tower of Pisa, using macaroni as a composition to maximize the use of texture, rather than color, okay sweetie?"

Aaaand then get a phone call from her teacher, because no one else signed up and she knows that, you know, you happen to work from home.

What's the right answer?

So, yeah, maybe parenting is sort of like trying to re-create the Tower of Pisa, in macaroni, it's all about balance. Nuh-uh, more like a juggling act. Because, you know, the ball has got to drop, sooner or later?

"Who's the leader?"

"Glen's the biggest one, he's the leader!"

Judging by my son's face, you can tell that, you know, he's so NOT used to being a leader and is more like a I'll just dip my toe in the water and watch to see which one of you guys floats, or not, sort of guy.

Still. It's supposed to be Fun Day, right? Except, we called it "field day" and I don't ever remember playing this game. Then again, they don't give out medals anymore…either. It's all about team work, right? Except, if you're the
first guy in line and can see the ship starting to sink.

But, this was not one of those days and, well, it was just nice to see the kid smile and NOT be so self-conscious…all the time…like, his mother. Congratulations, my son, way to win one for Team Thompson!

"Can you sign me out of school, early?"

As a matter of fact…NO!

"Mommy's got some work to do."

Like, convince an almost-8-year-old that paying the $5 so she could slap a tutu on her head, go to school on "Juvenile Arthritis Costume Day" and dress like a flower was NOT a bad idea, at all.

Then again, she IS braver than ALL of us put together (shuddup, Bro!) can you tell?

© 2009 This Full House – All Rights Reserved.

June 10, 2009
Garth [not his real name] Exposed and Nearly Emasculated

I've been blogging for nearly 6 years, now (I know, I'm old, shuddup!) but, this is the first picture I have ever posted of my husband, Garth [not his real name] EVER and it pretty much sums up his personality, perfectly.

Grossed out, yet? Good. Because, well, you WILL NOT buh-leeve the story I am about to tell you.

Why? Well, not only am I about to break another cardinal blogging sin, because, after 6 years, folks are finally beginning to question whether Garth [not his real name] really exists [waves to Amber] but, my husband has already told EVERYONE and his hairdresser, even (who happens to be a woman) about our attempts at an at-home-do-it-yourself vasectomy and went as far as showing ALL the women in his office, you know, the scar!

Aaaaand, before I begin, this would be a terrific time for you to grab a warm
(or, cool) beverage and for my MIL to click on ahead and read
something…um…else.

Go ahead, I'll wait.

Is she gone? Good. Sorry mom, but this story is just too funny NOT to tell and, well, may even save a penis, or two.

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June 5, 2009
Sew, What’s Love Frickin’ Got to Do With It, Anyway?

My oldest daughter had this really great idea. You see, she needed to come up with a sewing project for a benefit fashion show at the high school, "Barbie Through the Ages."

What — I didn't pick the name — but, it was going to count as a HUGE part of her final grade, so, you know, what was I supposed to do?

"What do you have to make?"

Because, I do NOT sew, or help "make" anything, if it means having to use something other than hot glue gun, let alone…mechanical…with running parts and a very sharp object, that puts holes in things, on purpose.

"I have to make a wedding dress."

Holy crap, that should be easy, right?

"Actually for the wedding party."

Oh, okay, still I'm guessing a "NO!" on the hot glue gun.

"How about if I sew a dress for Barbie's sister, Kelly?"

Um, okay.

"Yeah, and maybe even get my baby sister to model it, too, right?"

Riiiiight.

Like, most everything that comes (and goes) around in this house, it sounded good, at first…on paper…but, if I had a dollar for each time one of my kids came home with a school project, that I did NOT have to buy, sell, or help them with, the night before, while in a sugar-induced shock, then I'd be poor AND a diabetic, by now.

Oh, wait…

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May 20, 2009
Blogging About Teens, Tweens: Walking Contradictions in the Term Mom Bloggers Unite!

I can't believe that Hopey's 7, going on the Go Go's!

Last week, there was some backtalk at BlogHer on blogging about teens and, well, seeing as I happen to be raising 2 of them (teens, I mean) along with a couple of other kids, whose names and ages escape me at the moment, I thought…about DANGED time…because, it's not just me.

My friends Jenn and Busy Mom were also speaking up and I, for one, am really sick (and tired) about how some folks (you know, the ones who think they know everything) believe moms with teenagers are just itching for good blog fodder…DANGIT…as we, undoubtedly, have nothing to say, or worthwhile to add to this (or, any) conversation…about our DANGED kids!

Well, then, my friend Melisa, I hate to be the one tell you this, but you ARE a walking contradiction!

Excuse me, while my Joizey comes out, but are you tawkin' to me? Of cawse you are. I got staw-rees that would make even my gran-muthuh go all, like, you go girl!

[clears throat]

Becawse…[cough]…beeee-cause, I have always tried to be very careful about the stories I share (regardless of my children's ages) and mindful of whether (or, not) my words will hurt, or embarrass my family (or, the people reading our story) in any way.

Still. I'm not perfect. There is always someone ready, willing and very able to prove me wrong and that someone is almost always…one of my kids.

This is one of those stories.

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May 18, 2009
Make new friends, but keep the old; especially, if they find you on Facebook!

Holly and her godmother, Carleen – Autumn 1995

My oldest daughter is turning 16, this year (I know, because she keeps reminding me that her birthday is coming up…in November) and it's amazing that I really can't remember her ever being this small. Or, the fact that Holly's godmother has also became a mother, moved out of state and that, sadly, we've since lost contact with each other.

Not for the lack of trying, because we really have "not" tried to call, or reconnect with each other, in years.

Until, I logged into my email and found a "friend request" today from Facebook and was all, OMG, you mean to tell me there's another person who knows me, in real life, and STILL wants to be my friend!?!

Because, I also received a request from my son's godmother [waves to Linda] a few weeks ago and still haven't gotten over the fact that she just might think I hate her, too.

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May 11, 2009
Happy [bleeping] Mother’s Day!

Tired hearing about Mother’s Day, yet? Yeah, me too. I mean, it’s not like I don’t appreciate being bombarded with a bazillion emails, reminding me that, you know, it’s Mother’s Day — the biggest “gift-giving” and “phone-calling” day of the year — because, I don’t.

Want any gifts or phone calls, I mean.

I did once, the following year after my oldest daughter was born, my husband Garth [not his real name] bought me a coffee mug that said, “I [heart] Mommy” with a little [heart] drawn in between. The [heart] has long been rubbed off, but I still use it, every day.

My oldest is 15 now [UGH, I don’t know how that happened, either] and we’ve since added a couple of mugs, or two, to our brood, so I guess, Mother’s Day just has a whole different meaning, is all.

I know it must for my mom and my mother-in-law.

While, they look forward to spending a quiet Mother’s Day surrounded by their family [i.e. grandchildren] all I want is to be, you know, left alone.

On the other hand, it’s just one day, right? Though, I really do try to remember that I love them, every day. Still. I can’t help but think that I’ll probably feel differently, in a few years. Especially, the first time when one of my kids “forgets” to call me for Mother’s Day.

So, instead, I have a gift for you, my mommy-type-blogging friends!

Snagged this video from Melissa [a.k.a. Suburban Scrawl] who I am officially naming my “mommy-porn muse” this week [you’re welcome!] because…YES!…me love the faces of Deadliest Catch…long time:

[Edited to Add: Video was made “private” after I posted this…sorry, he/she doesn’t want to share…but, here’s the original “cleaned-up” version from Discovery without the [bleeping!] DAMNIT. Still, my thoughts remain the same.]

Guess what ELSE we’re doing on Sunday? Go ahead, I’ll wait.

[heavy sigh]

Happy [bleeping] Mother’s Day, my friends!

© 2009 This Full House – All Rights Reserved.

May 8, 2009
First Monday, Our Stinky House Contest and Mother’s Day, OH MY!

Welcome to the 1st Monday of the month and you know what that means, right?

[sound of crickets chirping]

Besides catching up on tons of laundry from last week, I've got this little column over at the Imperfect Parent — yeah, I don't know how that happened, either — and, this month, I'm opening up (for the first time) about how I Remember Mama, why I hate the dark, going down into basements, cleaning out closets, or how I try NOT to remember anything else before the age of 12.

Because, I am ALL about over-sharing.

[takes deep breath]

Speaking about dirty laundry, remember last week, when I admitted that, you know, my house stinks?

Well, I did it — no, not the stinky part — I entered the girls' room (all 3 of my daughters share a bedroom) into the My House Stinks Contest. Why? Well, did I mention that all 3 of my daughters share a bedroom? Yes. Okay, but did you know that the walls are purple? Okay. So, then you already know that it is DESPERATELY in need of a fresh coat of paint, or 2 dozen, right?

Help me win a room makeover and I'll love you, forever — vote for us, here!

So, what does Mother's Day have to do with all this? Absolutely, nothing. Besides the fact that it's this weekend and, you know, I'll be too busy running around wishing everyone else a "Happy Mother's Day" to celebrate, my own!

[heavy sigh]

Feeling sorry for me, yet?

[sound of crickets chirping]

Okay, I'll shuddup, now GO VOTE!!!

© 2009 This Full House – All Rights Reserved.

May 4, 2009
My House Stinks, How About Yours?

[EDITED TO ADD: IT'S OFFICIAL, WE'VE ENTERED THE MY HOUSE STINKS CONTEST – VOTE FOR US AND I'LL LOVE YOU FOREVER, I SWEAR!]

I don't know about you, but there isn't a day that goes by when I'm NOT saying stuff, like, "Ewww," or "Wait, my sock is stuck to the floor," and the ever-popular "What's that smell!?!?"

Oh, you don't…uh-huh…well, you must not have kids then.

Anyhow, so, I get this email yesterday from James of Dutch Boy's "Team Stinky" (I kid you NOT!) wondering, "Do you have the ugliest, stinkiest room in America?" And I'm all, like…wow, he must read my blog and…um…let me think.

With three girls, sharing one bedroom…oh, boy…uh, SHYAH, I've got proof that theirs is stinkafiably (yes, it's a word!) the fugliest room in our house and totally submitting it as an entry into the My House Stinks contest!

Why?

First place wins $5,000 and 50 gallons of paint; 2nd prize gets $2,500
and 25 gallons of paint and 3rd prize is still worth $1,000 and 10
gallons of Refresh.

The girls are getting new bedroom furniture, today (thank you, Mama and Papa) and, in my mind, I had already committed most of yesterday to getting their room into shape (I know, ironic, isn't it?) just in time, really, lest the shiny new white furniture be spat out, like holy water, from the mouth hell.

So, I sent a note to Twitter (in case, you know, I went missing, or something) and headed in, sans shower and donning my protective mommy gear.

WARNING: ENTER WITH CAUTION – THE USE OF PROTECTIVE GEAR IS HIGHLY RECOMMENDED – GET READY TO BE AMAZED!

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May 1, 2009