This Full House Archive

Category: In Case of Emergency, Send Cheesecake!

Times When Butt Jokes ARE More Than Appropriate

It's no secret, raising teens is NOT easy. Blogging about them, regardless of the fact that it may be under extremely difficult situations and then focusing all of your energies in the most positive way, is even harder.

All of the sudden, in a blink of an eye, our lives have become less about poopie diapers and laundry and whether the Doodle Bops are evil (although, I do happen to agree with Lindsay on that one) or, if fart noises and butt jokes are appropriate at the dinner table.

Because, I'm here to tell you that, YES, not only has what was once deemed bad behavior (in our house, anyway) become status quo (join 'em, if you can't beat 'em, I say) it keeps us from killing each other — sometimes, I even let my teens curse, a little.

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August 28, 2009
Beware, Doofus Dog on Duty!!!
Welcome to the This Full House 3rd Annual Spring Break Staycation — where wearing our pajamas and sliding around the house in dingy socks are standard issue — this year, the kids and I have got lots of laid back and fun things planned for the next few days:
- Sleep in
- Color eggs with Mama and Papa
- Sleep in
- Visit with my twin brother and his wife in Ft. Dix
- Sleep in
- Go to Grandma's house for Easter
- Sleep in
- Visit with Aunt Cheryl and Uncle John in Cape May
- Sleep in
- Sleep in
- Sleep in
Especially, since Heather (formerly known as, Thing Two) received a clean bill of health from her surgeon…can I get HANDSLAP!?!?…and, after 6 months of riding the emotional roller coaster from hell, my 13-year-old is ABSOLUTELY THRILLED that she won't be getting back on the operating table, anytime soon…can I get a YEEHAW!?!?

[deep sigh of relief]

It's so great to be able to, you know, breath….again. So, I'm taking a few days offline, with the exception of one quick and very important blogging date, to spend a low-tech-timeout with my kids.

Except, for the totally tricked out car we get to drive around in…for little while, at least…but, more on that later.

Oh, and my husband Garth (not his real name) started a new job, so he can't get any time off right now (no worries, he's very, very happy to be working…period) so, I'm leaving Doofus-dog in charge.

Knock before entering or he will…

French you like a cheap porn star!!!

In the meantime, I've got a new post up at New Jersey Moms Blog and I'd love to hear what you guys are up to…next week (delurking for a dork WILL get you into heaven, donchaknow?) oh, and I'm holding an Open House Blog Tour so, you are more than welcome to share your links there, as well.

[lick]

Have a great week, everyone!

© 2009 This Full House – All Rights Reserved.
April 10, 2009
Got Teens: Then, you NEED to be reading my blog!

My friend Jenn – whom I love dearly and needs coffee, like most mommies I know – has another thought provoking post (dammit!) about teens and the parents who blog about them. Namely, me. Because, you know, I am a mom, with teens, tweens, a precocious seven-year-old and I happen to keep a blog. Or, two.

Why?

Well, it’s like told Jenn:

"I’ve been blogging for 5 years now (4 kids all under the age of 10, ‘nuf said) and, yes…the stories have
changed…a little…but, it’s still OUR story and I don’t write about
anything that I (or, my kids) would be uncomfortable sharing, in real
life.

Although, my kids are in school full-time, my job is far from being done. I will have TWO teenagers, in a couple of months (ACK!) and personally, I feel that being their mom has become even harder.

However, my reasons for keeping This Full House remain the same – blogging is cheaper than therapy!"

Then, one of my kids goes and bleeds all over herself and what if I told you that the first thing I did was Twitter it?

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October 23, 2008
This Is My Early Morning Singing Song!

Gliddy glub gloopy
Nibby nabby noopy
La la la lo lo…

I’m not a morning person. I’m a mommy, you know what I mean? Still. My husband Garth (not his real name) couldn’t care less if I woke up, tomorrow, decided to shave my head and start referring to myself as:

"Hello, my name is Starshine and I AM Mr. Clean’s bitch!"

I’m telling you, as weird as it sounds, he’d STILL think I’m sexy.

Why?

Because, my husband is really NOT all that interested in what’s going on with my head – yes, he is a very smart man – but, he HAS sung praises of his love for me…from the neck down…many, many times.

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May 2, 2008
New Jersey Moms Blog Launched, Today!

Last month, I was asked by the lovely Jill Asher (co-founder of Silicon Valley Moms Group) if I’d be interested in writing for an upcoming new sister site, for New Jersey mom bloggers.

"Hey, you know, I’m from Jersey!"

Well, yah…and DUH!

Today, I am thrilled to tell you that the site has officially launched and…GUESS WHAT…I even got to write the introduction:

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April 28, 2008
Beware: Bitch Session in Progress – Hold my calls and mind all the empty margarita glasses.

My mom had double-knee replacement surgery, last year (yes, it’s just as icky as it sounds) and her and dad have had one medical challenge after another, since then.

Life goes like that, sometimes – beautiful one minute, filled with suckage the rest.

It’s okay, though. I sort of imagine life as a giant 50 foot female, all hopped up on too much caffeine and experiencing a bad hair day, and expect it will probably try to bite me in the ass, more than once.

Today, most especially, she is going to be a total BITCH!

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April 21, 2008
Beware: Mommy on Duty – Hold my calls and mind the middle child.

When Thing One was born, my husband and I couldn’t wait to bring her home and welcomed our new roles, as mother and father to our brand new baby daughter, celebrating each milestone of "firsts" with equal amounts of enthusiasm and trepidation.

Then, I became pregnant with Thing Two and – though, I couldn’t wait and called my husband, at work, and gave him the results of the pregnancy test, while in the middle of a meeting with a client – I soon started to worry whether or not I was ready to separate myself from being "the world" to Thing One and having to share, well, pretty much everything, from my toes up, with TWO babies!?!

Soon, my fears were put to rest and the mommy in me sort of just, you know, kicked into high gear and there seemed to be plenty of me to go around.

Until, they grew up and NOW my husband Garth (not his real name) and I combine our super parental powers and it takes every bit of that strength…NOT to bite their little heads off.

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April 11, 2008
Picture Perfect Thursday: Attack of the Smiley Fries

I am NOT a morning person and my husband is…well, let me just tell you…he’s like a fluffy little bird happily twittering about in the early morning sunshine – scary, I know – needless to say, we go to great lengths to stay out of each other’s way and try not to, you know, talk…too much.

"Coffee?"

He hands me a hot steaming mug filled with the sweet elixir of life, as I stumble off to the shower.

"Herumpfuh."

Then, feeds the animals. I mean, the pets. The kids are old enough to fend for themselves, thank you.

"Turkey, roast beef or peanut butter?"

Also, makes their lunches.

"Nope, uh-huh, I don’t think so and NO, because you just bought yesterday!"

And fields any (and all) of their questions – although, the children have not yet appreciated the fact that, in doing so, their father HAS saved them from encounters with the beast, that is their mother – bless his squishy heart.

By dinnertime, it’s a whole different story!

"Beer?"

So, he’s a morning person and I’m…well, let me just tell you…I’m like a night owl. All bug-eyed and barrel-chested, with nerves jumping and ready for bear.

"Himumpfuh"

Seriously, at the end of the day, the man is an absolute grump!

"Oh, no…look out!"

Especially, when I do something totally unexpected and scare the bees-juice out of him!

"WHAT!?!?!"

[eyes go wide]

"The…the…smiley fries!"

I grabbed his tie, pulled him closer and pointed toward the kitchen counter.

"They…are…ATTACKING!"

"They’re coming to get you, Daddy!"

[rolls eyes]

"Stop it, you’re being STUPID!"

"They’re coming for you, Daddy!"

[cracks a smile]

"Okay, now you’re JUST weird."

"They’re coming for YOU!"

[bites lower lip]

"Shhhh, the kids are watching!"

"Look, there comes one of them now!"

[frowning]

"Stop it, they’ll hear you!"

"Here he comes now…GAH…I’m getting OUTTA OF HERE!"

I was able to crack through that tough-Daddy shell of his and I ask you, how could he NOT smile!?!

"I…LOVE…yooooou!"

Honestly, with fries like these, what’s NOT to love?

"Now, where’s my beer?"

So, I guess what I’m saying is, contrary to popular opinion, opposites really DO attract – it’s what helps keep the spice in our marriage, anyways – unfortunately, I must have commanded a little too much of The Boy’s attention, for once.

"Daaaaaaady!"

Garth (not his real name) got up with him, last night – bless his squishy heart – because, The Boy very rarely calls out for, you know, me.

"Coming, Buddy!"

Go figure.

"Coffee?"

But, this time, it was ME who got up with the pets, made the lunches, etc…

"Himumpfuh."

So, you see, it all works out in the end.

"What’s for dinner, tonight?"

[giggle]

"Swedish meatballs!"

[eyes go wide]

"Oooooh, I can’t wait!"

What?

[shrugs shoulders]

Yes, there’s only 6 more sleeps until Christmas and it’s a stressful time for everyone.

"Momma, I don’t feel so…[gulp]…BLAAAAAH!"

Especially, when yet other one of your kids wakes up sick and pukes all over the breakfast table…AGAIN!

"Herumpfuh!"

What; you want fries with that?

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[Edited to add: Please remember to leave a comment on Bloggers Unite – if you haven’t already, won’t you consider visiting my post and Delurking for a cause, or for even a DORK, like me!?!?]

Submitted to:

Carnival of Family Life

December 20, 2007
If the shoe fits, then you’re right, I’m mean and it’s probably NOT my shoe, anyway.

Yesterday, was Mikulas Day – December 6th is when the Hungarian Santa, or St. Nicholas visits children and leaves his gifts – and the kids were excited to wake up and find their shoes filled with chocolates, candy and a new Christmas mug.

"Whoa, you guys ARE sooooo lucky!"

Even through the very nasal tone, I recognized it to be my son’s voice and waited, along with everyone else, for The Boy to explain, except Mini-me.

"Nuh-uh; I got the same stuff, YOU did!"

My two oldest girls are 14 and nearly 12 – they have done this before and understand how it works – and having dealt with "the creeping crud" this week, I still wasn’t feeling very well, so, I was happy to hear Thing One and Thing Two intervene on Mikulas’ behalf and just sort of, you know, listened from upstairs.

"Mini-me is right, nobody got anymore than anyone else."

Then, I heard someone stomp their foot.

"Noooo, I know THAT!"

Judging from the tone, I assumed it was The Boy.

"I mean, she hasn’t been very good, pretty bad, actually and she’s just lucky she didn’t get any coal!"

D’oh, and there went any thoughts of my sleeping in.

"Hey, KNOCK IT OFF down there!"

I know – yelling at the kids first thing in the morning on Mikulas Day, and all – but at least it shut them up and long enough, you know, for me to kick the dog off the bed, get some feeling back into my legs and crawl downstairs.

"That wasn’t a very nice thing to say, Sweetie."

Even though it’s, you know, true. Being 4th in line – not to mention, cute as she is – my youngest daughter, unfortunately, has learned a lot watching her older sisters and brother, which means she knows just how to get her way, by getting on everyone’s nerve, quicker and is way smarter than I am.

"Yah, kind of wude, too and you should take away his choc-wits and teach him a wesson!"

Mini-me has been a pill, lately.

"No, I don’t think what The Boy said was THAT bad, really!"

He stomped his foot – yep, I was right! – but, this time, The Boy’s voice was way louder, than mine.

"I WASN’T TALKING ABOUT THE GIRLS!"

Huh?

"I was talking about you, Mom!"

HUH, wait a minute…and…WHAT!?!?

"You haven’t been a very nice Mommy."

Yeah, well, are we ever? Besides, I didn’t fight Garth (not his real name) when he gave them ALL a mental day off, yesterday – a perk for bringing home very good report cards – but, I was sick and then he went to work…oh, and…SO!?!?

"But, Mikulas only cares about YOU kids!"

[eyes go wide]

"Yeah, but Thing One used one of YOUR shoes!"

[sound of crickets]

"I don’t think Mikulas know-dit!"

Oh, how the kids laughed and I just sort of, you know, went back to bed, but not before speaking up for all us, mean Moms.

"See, I guess even Mikulas knows that Mommy’s need a break and that even HE can make mistakes, sometimes!"

Besides, Thing One and I DO wear the same size and clearly, if he’d known the shoe fit, Mikulas would have left Vodka!

[blank stare]

TGIF, everyone – if anyone needs me, I’ll be upstairs, coughing up a lung and tending to a very sick little Mini-me.

Stupid shoes!

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December 7, 2007
Mommy Bloggers’ Holiday: What happens in Dulles, stays in Dulles!

"Flying to the west coast," was all my email said, as I was
hoping for a little company…you know…a familiar face in a sea of
happy-go-lucky-park-hopping strangers…and my dear friend and fellow
mommyblogger, Donna (a.k.a. Socal Mom) rose to the occasion!

We had ourselves a virtual Mommy Bloggers’ Holiday, for real (she tells the story, so well) and we tore that park up with laughter and squeals of…OMG, how fast does this ride go…not to mention, my kids are totally going to hate me for this…I had a BLAST!

Donna took a picture of me – yes, we wear a lot of black…in Jersey
– and I do NOT believe I’ve ever looked so…sunny…or, this
relaxed…in a long time!

But, wait until you hear what happened, after…Donna!

I got up bright and early the next morning – okay, it was cloudy and
I thought it never rained in southern California – and nearly hugged my
driver at the front of the hotel.

"You mean, you actually bought me a bottle of water?"

I swear, you California people are way too healthy – they actually
had fresh fruit and flavored water kiosks – and I only found one stand
selling churros, in Disneyland!?!?

Guess what snack I picked?

"Ooooh, candy!"

The driver told me that there was more water in the car, if I
wanted…but, I was too busy sucking on peppermint to answer…or, care.

"We’re you headed?"

I told him I was headed home to the east coast…via, Houston.

"Too bad I’ve got about 15 minutes to catch my next plane, I would have called my friend, Jenn, and I bet we coulda raised a little h…e…double hockey sticks, yes?"

He didn’t know; he wasn’t quite sure what a mommyblogger was and he’d never been to Houston!

"That’s okay, maybe next time!"

Because, I sat next to the two most…BORING…men, in the world – they were
from Texas – and I couldn’t wait to get myself on the next plane and
home to my babies. I missed each of them – yes, I even had thoughts of
kissing Garth (not his real name) heavily, on my mind – and counted the
hours, eagerly.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking."

Uh-oh.

"We’ve been circling Newark for the passed 30 minutes and are running low on fuel…"

D’OH!

"…so, we’ve been diverted to Dulles, to refuel…"

Phew!

"…and, hopefully, we’ll be good to land in Newark…um…shortly."

We were scheduled to land at 10:10 p.m. and it was already 11:00
p.m. – being on a plane since noon – the day had turned way too long,
already. No matter. I was having a good time.

"So, what do you think was the best Disney movie, EVER!?!?"

Personally, the kids and I still enjoy watching Toy Story and absolutely loved The Incredibles!

"Uh, ladies and gentlemen…"

Now what?

"…we seem to be having an experience."

Boy, did we have fun with that one!

"What do you think he really means, by experience?"

Being way in the back of the plane – sitting in the last row – it was hard to say.

"One of our passengers is having a moment…"

Oh, okay.

"…and we’re waiting for the authorities…"

Riiiiight.

"…to escort him OFF the plane."

Well, then good.

"Look, there’s an ambulance!"

We all crane our necks and ignore the pleas of the flight attendants
– as if, we were NOT on the verge of a riot, already – to get a good
look.

"OMG…there he is…"

And I couldn’t believe that I actually squealed, with delight.

"…and I think he’s NAKED!"

Yep, like a newborn baby…only bigger…and balder…and…well, the rest I’m really trying hard…to forget.

"He’s letting himself into the ambulance…"

As calm as can be, thank you very much.

"…and he’s closing the doors!"

Apparently, Mr. Phys-co-in-first-class wasn’t very happy about being
delayed, either, and felt it necessary to get naked in Dulles!

"Man, that was so worth the divert!"

Me, not so much – how we laughed, and laughed – and we were still giggling, even after landing about 1:30 a.m.

"OMG…you’re still here!?!?"

The driver was standing there – all wide-eyed and what the hey – and this time, I hugged him!

"So, where you headed?"

What, no candy?

"Well, figuring we’re getting home at about 3:00 a.m…straight into my husbands arms and then right to bed!"

[raises eyebrows]

"I mean, I’ve got two soccer games, this morning…sheesh!"

Though, it was worth it – both Mini-me and The Boy scored a goal –
it was a lovely mommybloggers’ holiday and what happened in
Dulles…well, consider it a perk.

"Momma…I feel sick…BELCH…BLAAAH!"

Doncha wish you had a life, like me!?!

October 15, 2007