This Full House Archive

Category: In Case of Emergency, Send Cheesecake!

Distorted, No Editing Required

Cross-posted at our 365 Day Project, taken with my cell phone, because my camera is borked.

I broke my camera [pause for a moment of silence] it's sitting on the sideboard in our kitchen, right where I left it, after realizing that I could not get it to work, no matter how hard I pleaded with it.

"Oh no…et, tu Kodak!!!"

Although, my poor little red point and shoot is powering up (sort of) the lens opens and makes this terrible grinding noise, as it tries to focus on nothing and freezes with a gray-ish look on its screen and, well, I fear it is very nearly dead.

I know how it feels, sort of.

"Why are you crying?"

Heck if I knew.

"It's raindrops."

I mean, yeah, I bought the darned thing with my birthday money, last year (nevermind, which one) then, there's the fact that Garth and I are working through another rough patch (okay, so, maybe this time, we've been rubbing each other the wrong way, like flipping sandpaper) still, there ARE worse things, right?

Like, a flash flood in Kentucky and Tennessee (some of my best blogging buddies live there) a failed car bombing attempt in NYC (real close to home, this one is) just to name a few HOLY HANNAH MONTANA moments that make me feel like a total asshat for shedding a tear (or, two) over a flipping camera, or a little rain.

But, it's NOT just about the camera, or the rain.

"Wow, it's pouring outside!"

My dad is scheduled for more surgery, tomorrow (AGAIN!) and THIS time, he's scared…me, too.

"Mom, look it!"

I arranged for coverage at work (thank you, Jane!) and will probably be spending the night (with my parents house, NOT at work!)

"Mom?"

And was thinking about the eleventy other things that I had to do, this week and before school ends.

"Mommy?"

All of which required me to be somewhere else, other than home, or work and, well, I just wish that someone would hurry up and invent that cloning machine, already!

"MOMMY!"

[blink, blink]

"Huh, now what do you need?"

Judging by the look on my youngest daughter's face, a real nice birthday present, next month, would be nice — especially, to make up for drawing the short straw and the nearly nine years of putting up with me…as her mother.

"Daddy's gonna drop me off at school tomorrow, right?"

Oh yeah, I forgot.

"Yep."

Forget the clone, I've got Garth [not his real name] and, you bet your sweet tea, I'm keeping him!

"He took the whole day off, too!"

I know, right?

"AWESOME…I hope it doesn't pour."

Me, too!

[click]

"Cool picture!"

No editing required, either.

"Where's your camera?"

[one beat, two beats]

"Did you break it?"

You know, and I almost forgot about my broken camera…ALMOST!

© 2010 This Full House - All Rights Reserved.

May 3, 2010
If You’re Happy and You Know It, Spit It Out!

Both my two oldest girls are getting braces put on their teeth, this week (OUCH!) so, I took them to their first (of many) orthodontic appointment, last Friday, much to their absolute GLEE!

"WHOOT!"

Having their impressions taken and then spacers, the size of popcorn balls put in between their teeth (double-OUCH!) (not really, but just as painful, they said) not so much.

"Open wide!"

[giggle]

"Shuddup, Holly!"

[click]

"Let's try that again…aaaaand…open wide."

[snort]

"Shuddup, Mom!"

[click]

"GAH!"

The dental hygienist, however, was in no mood (judging by the permanent frown line, that ran from her forehead, right down to her pale blue crocs) especially, having to listen to a couple of teenagers crack each other up.

"I'm sorry, but they're just a lee-til excited."

[sound of crickets chirping]

"Just shuddup…no, wait…I mean…open wide for the nice lady, Heather."

[snort]

Then, 30 minutes later, it was Holly's turn.

"Okay, now rinse."

The girls have waited a long time for this moment and, well, since my teeth are as far from perfect as one can get, before actually being declared, you know, dentally-impaired, I can't say as I blamed them for feeling a bit giddy.

[swish, swoosh, swish, swoosh]

"Why don't you get braces, too, Momma?"

[swish, swoosh, swish, swoosh]

"Me?"

I watched Holly nod, in between the swishing and the swooshing, in total agreement with Heather.

"Nah."

After 40-something years, I've sort of grown accustomed to my lopsided grin.

"I'd probably break them on a marshmallow, or something."

[swish, swoosh, swish, swoosh]

"Spit it out, already, ya' DING DONG!"

PUH-TOO-WEE!

[eyes go wide]

"Didn't your mom teach you to spit better than that?"

[snort]

The dental hygienist sighed, unclipped the bib from Holly's drippy chin and, well, I guess she figured, if you can't beat 'em…you know…make 'em spit.

"Ewwww, it's STILL connected!"

Who knew, dental hygienists could be so touchy?

"Can't wait for next week!"

Me, either.

"I'll bring the popcorn!"

[sound of crickets chirping]

Ibuprofen, anyone?

© 2010 This Full House – All Rights Reserved.

March 8, 2010
Viewing the World Through Frozen Side Mirrors

Most days, I wake up and, if my feet hit the floor and my head is still attached, then, it really doesn't take much to convince myself that, YES, half the battle is actually getting out of bed and HOORAH! but, it's gonna be a good day…DAMMIT!

Until, it's time to leave the house.

"Why IS it so hard to make a left turn!?!?"

Then, I remembered.

"Oh yeah, 'cawse I live in Jersey!"

Is it just me, along with perhaps the rest of the Eastern seaboard, STILL digging out of one of the snowiest winter's in, well, recorded history (yeah, I'm looking at you, Washington, D.C.) or, has Snowmageddon (or, as I've come to call it, Snowpocalypse) frozen everyone's nice buttons, shut?

(more…)

February 17, 2010
On A Long Winter’s Night

And the snow began to fall…aaaaand, fall…school was closed…the next day, too. Then, ALL the lights went out.

"GAAAAAAH!"

Aaaaand, DAYUM, it was dark.

"Don't NOBODY move!"

The sort of inky gloom that makes a person lose all sense of good grammar, too.

"Do we have any candles?"

Is the Pope, well, whatever.

[click, click, click, click]

"I'm cold…I have to go to the bathroom…I'm scared…I'm hungry!"

It's hard, you know? Living in the suburbs.

"Whatever you do, do NOT open that fridge!"

Minutes. Hours. Days. Weeks. Time stops, in the dark.

"Okay, who blew out the candles?"

Like moths to a flame, they just can't help themselves.

"Are we gonna freeze…can we flush the toilet…are we gonna die…do we have enough food?

[click, click, click, click]

"Everyone, close your eyes, take a deep breath and relax."

[whoosh]

"Okay, who blew out the candles?"

Honestly, I don't know how the pioneers did it.

"Um…wait…wait…I got one!"

It's hard, you know? Playing charades…in the dark, inky, gloom.

"No, it's MY turn!"

Minutes. Hours. Days. Weeks. Can cabin fever kill?

[flash, blink, blink, zap]

"POWER'S BACK!"

Aaaand, DAYUM, just in time, too.

"QUICK, turn the lights out AGAIN!"

[ZAP!]

"GAAAAAAH!"

Of course, pioneer parents probably would have agreed that playing head games on your kids is really quite fun.

"Don't NOBODY move!"

Or, perhaps if they had really good timing AND quick access to the circuit breakers, they probably would…I mean.

FWAHMP!

"Okay, who blew one?"

Stupid snowpocalypse!

© 2010 This Full House – All Rights Reserved.

February 13, 2010
Love Thursday: Quiet Time

Love is….finding a quiet moment.

Happy Love Thursday, everyone. May you find yourself…a little quiet time.

If all else fails, tell your kids (or, whoever) that you are giving yourself a time-out, today.

‘Cawse, I said so!

© 2010 This Full House – All Rights Reserved.

February 11, 2010
A Thanksgiving Prank Gone Bad

It was the night before Thanksgiving, and all through the house, not a creature was sleeping, except for the boy and his, well, that's our Doofus Dawg and he is WAY bigger than a mouse.

Then, someone suggests, quite innocently,"Wouldn't it be funny, if we painted his toe nails?"

Now, most people would probably think, "Yes, but it wouldn't be very nice."

"Why yes, yes, it would, I'll get the nail polish!"

Then again, we are NOT most people, he IS the only boy in the house and, well, the kid pretty much pranks us…ALL THE TIME…so, it's all in the name of good, clean, fun, right?

"You're gonna make him cry."

Apparently, my 13 yo did NOT think it was such a great idea, but went along with it, anyway.

"That's just not right."

Neither did my husband, Garth [not his real name] who woke up with his fingernails painted, once, but that time I…I mean…we painted them black and he DID notice before leaving the house for work.

"Shhhh, you're gonna wake him up."

My son, however, slept through it all and it wasn't until sometime, in the middle of breakfast, the next day, that he even noticed!

"GAAAAAH, who painted my toenails?!?"

Aaaand, there was much giggling.

[eyes go wide]

Until, it dawned on him that, you know, someone painted HIS toenails.

"I told you he would cry."

Yeah, maybe we should have listened to Heather (obviously, she HAS more sense than her mother) but, my SIL was a little surprised at how upset he got (having slept over, on the night in question) and, well, she, or I would have let him in on the prank, before anyone else arrived for Thanksgiving dinner.

"I am SO embarrassed!"

Then again, maybe I've grown a little too used to dealing with girls, who cry, just because they can and aren't boys supposed to be all, you know, snakes and snails and puppy dog tails?

"I'm SO sorry, Bud; I really thought you'd think it was funny!"

Apparently, I was wrong…AGAIN!

"Well, IT'S NOT!"

I stood there, watching him, as he tried to wipe the nail polish off with a wet piece of toilet paper, and I wanted to crawl under a rock, and die, probably just as much as he wanted me to, if not more, I'm sure.

"Here, let me do that for you."

I grabbed the nail polish remover and started to, you know, try and clean up yet ANOTHER BIG MESS I'd gotten us into and, well, we each took turns and thanked my son for accepting our apologies, as half-assed as it sounds, at the moment.

"We didn't mean to make you cry!"

Lesson Learned: Girls are spice and everything nice, until their brother's asleep and there happens to be a bottle of nail polish, near by.

"Besides, you can always stick one of their fingers in a glass of warm water and make them pee their beds!"

Less than smart mothers, like me, however, deserve nothing more than strained carrots and peas, or made to watch the Doodle Bops, until our eyes explode AND our ears begin to bleed.

"No, that would be mean."

Although, he DID giggle…a little…me, too.

© 2009 This Full House - All Rights Reserved.

November 27, 2009
Monday Morning With Doofus-Dawg: Mama Always DID Like Me Best!

D'oh, Ah loves it when Mama does that…

Mah moms is not heres, right now and…d'oh…excuse me a minute, puh-leeze.

BARK-BARK-WOOF-BARKITY-WOOF-WOOF!

D'oh, sorry 'bout that. Ah hates squirrels. Don't yous? Anyways.
Mah moms is not heres, I think and…um…d'oh yeah…ah remembers now.

[heavy sigh]

Ah loves that pit-cher of me…you know…d'oh, Doofus-Dawg and Mama.

[blank stare]

D'oh,
yeah, ah remembers, now…hers is mah mom's…you know…dad and …d'oh…that's naught right, either…'cause, everybodies knows dads are lots hairy and gots long ears, like me.

SNORT!

D'oh…aaaaaanyways…so, mah moms wuz out visitin' with her moms and dads on Sundays…uh…ah
think it was yesterdays…d'oh…aaaaaanyhow…hers done took the girls someplace and ah spendid the day…all alones…with mah dads and the boy!

BARK-BARK-WOOF-BARKITY-WOOF-WOOF

Boys rawk, for realz!

[heavy sigh]

Aaaaanyways, mah moms gots home real late, like it was dark and times to goes to sleeps kinda late, for realz.

AH-WHOO!

Mah moms was soooooo tired, hers beated up dads…uh…do'h, that's naught right, either…d'oh, ah know…dad said hers was all beated up.

SNIFF-SNIFF-SCRATCH-SCRATCH!

Moms was upset and ah thinks hers looks awful sad, for realz.

[blank stare]

Do'h, but ah cants understands a word hers and dads spitted up….d'oh, that's naught right, either…they talkdid some see-ree-us stuff bouts Mama and Papa…oh, and mah other favorite human, Uncle Bud and…d'oh…ah just cants seem to make mah moms feels happy, anymores.

[heavy sigh]

D'oh yeah, ah remember now…um…ah gots to tell yous that hers cants comes out to plays, no mores…d'oh…that's naught right, either…'cause, everybodies knows mah moms likes yous, best.

GRRRRRRRRRR

Buuuut, ah knows whats best for hers and, well, hers needs somebodies to throw her a bone, or somethin', is all.

SNIFF-SNIFF-SCRATCH-SCRATCH!

Soooooo, seein as ah ates mine…d'oh…bone, ah mean…ah am goins to chase everybodies away from mah house!

BARK-BARK-WOOF-BARKITY-WOOF-WOOF

Things lots hairy, wif long ears and stupid squirrels, ah mean.

GRRRRRRRRRR

D'oh, oh yah, and have nice Monday…'cause…shee-yah..you can tell it Doofus-Dawg said so.

BARK-BARK-WOOF-BARKITY-WOOF-WOOF

You're welcome!

© 2009 This Full House - All Rights Reserved.

October 26, 2009
The House That Streptococcal Built and Other Tales of Bedside Manner

A Self Portrait at Thirteen

At ten, she was diagnosed with strep throat, nine times and was my only kid to have gone through surgery, twice, and well, did I mention she was born on a Wednesday?

"Yes, it's positive, your son has strep throat."

My ten-year-old son, however, is not a very good patient.

"I…[snorf]…hate…[cough]…that…[snorf]…swab…[cough]…thing!"

Me, either.

"Sorry, Mrs. Thompson, but we're all out of lollipops!"

DAMMIT!

"That's okay, our pediatrician is our usual supplier."

However, her office is anywhere from a fifteen minute to half-an-hour car drive away and, well, I decided to take my son down the road to the Doctor's Office, save myself the aggravation of dealing with Friday afternoon traffic and be back in time to pick up my youngest daughter from school.

[phone rings]

DAMMIT! I didn't recognize the number, so I let it go to voicemail (you think that sucks, I understand) but, little did I know, my thirteen-year-old daughter and I were about to bond on a very intimate level.

"There's an emergency!"

Aaaaand, I couldn't be any more surprised if I woke up in the morning with my head sewn to George Clooney's carpet, or something like that.

(more…)

October 13, 2009
Cloudy With a Chance of Niagara Falls

This is what it looks like, when your toilet needs a root canal!

I was 5 months pregnant when we moved into our house and, almost 16 years later, my husband Garth [not his real name] and I still lovingly refer to it as, "our starter home."

"Why don't you just sell it, as is, and move over here?"

My MIL was just being nice. Really, she was. I mean, after all, I've had terrible luck with appliances and our water heater blew up, just last week, which resulted in a mad dash to grandma's for a quick shower…or 6.

Still, I doubt that my FIL is ready to give up the "no waiting" bathroom rule at his house, not just yet, if ever.

"OH SH*T!"

The last time I heard my husband holler like that, well, the water heater blew up and I was all, like, SHUTUP!

"[cough]…Toilet…[wheeze]…water…[gasp]…broken…[cough]"

No, you can't break toilet water — though, in this house, you really never can tell — but, my poor husband had just gotten home from taking himself, along with my two oldest girls, to the doctor's office and finished sending me this text:

"Heather has strep, I've got bronchitis, waiting on Holly's culture…"

To which I promptly texted back:

"Holy Sh*t!"

Honestly, I felt bad for Garth [not his real name] I really did. Still. Having spent the last 6 days with him…home…sick…then, the kids getting sick (again!) well, I just knew it wouldn't be long.

"We're closing in 15 minutes."

I tried to explain to the nice girl manning (or, femaling?) the doctor's office that I had this really important trip coming up, that requires me to be away from home, for a couple of days, alone, without having to pack any soccer cleats, or field hockey sticks, not to mention, making multiple trips to the hardware store, or supermarket, while escorting a bunch of rowdy kids, or a couple of moody teenagers, not to mention, hovering over a cranky husband, while he tries to fix something, AGAIN and, well, MY THROAT HURTS DAMMIT!!!

"Okay, Mrs. Thompson, your culture came back negative."

[eyes go wide]

"Er, given the circumstances at home, I'm going to write out a script, anyway."

No, I would never advocate the overuse of antibiotics. However, this is my house, not yours and well, something's gotta give, sometime.

This week, it's the toilet.

"Oh, and your blood pressure is higher than usual."

Aaaaand, I hear that the west coast is really beautiful this time of year — but, I really don't care — given the circumstances here, at home, I'll be happy just to be able to get away and NOT worry about taking my sweet time in the shower, or use a toilet that works!

© 2009 This Full House - All Rights Reserved

September 21, 2009
Hump Day Diddy Dumbs: Just Another Date Night on Twitter
I wonder if he spent this much time, you know, picking out my engagement ring?

After spending Labor Day weeding the garden, along with property the size of a football field, then just hoping for a quiet moment, or two, before the work week started (did I mention, we got kids?) this wasn't quite what we had in mind.

"Do you hear water running?"

My poor husband, Garth [not his real name] is too busy switching off lights, or turning down the temperature, to worry about a mid-life crises.

In fact, he's turned into quite the eco-nazi!

"Relax, I'm washing clothes."

Later.

"Oh SH*T!"

Well, to make a rather long story short (you're welcome) this is what happens, when you give a busted water heater, to a couple, married for 19 years, on Twitter:
Damned, if his holding out for that tax credit doesn't cost us in the end…literally!!!

Morale of the Story: The next time someone asks you if you hear water running, you say YES!!!

Or, risk a couple of sleepless nights, lying awake, stinky, watching your husband put a few extra holes in the wall!

Or, not and spend the rest of your life, posting stupid stuff on Twitter, like me.

[Edited to Add: We did NOT go with a tankless water heater, after all. It would have been placed as a special order, which would have meant a few more days, without hot water. Oh, and we decided to install it ourselves. Because, we just LOVE a challenge. Besides, it called for another date night. This time, in the laundry/play room, where we spent a whole 7 hours, last night, alone, together, you know, making it fit. Aaaand, that's what she said last night. Buh-duh-bum. I'm here all week, folks. Try the veal!]

© 2009 This Full House - All Rights
September 9, 2009