This Full House Archive

Category: In Case of Emergency, Send Cheesecake!

  • Easy, Breezy, Pinot Gris-y

    In between earthquakes and hurricane warnings (what a week we're having, Jersey, eh?) my husband, Garth (NHRN) and I celebrated our 21st wedding anniversary and had an awesome dinner with my in-laws, last night!

    I tried to keep the conversation light (thanks to 2 Mojitos and an awesome glass of Pinot Gris) alas, my husband's boyscout powers, along with the category 2 hurricane and extreme flood warnings, had been activated early in the day.

    "You guys have everything you need?"

    My in-laws are both in their 80's (but, you STILL look good Mom!) and, well, let's just say that they didn't seem very worried about the weather.

    "Ah-yup."

    Still, I told them that the kids and I were going to go down to check on my folks (they live about 15 miles inland from Seaside Heights) then, I would stop by their house (my in-laws live about 10 minutes away from us) to help secure stuff and drop off a case of bottled water.

    "I don't expect there'd be a problem."

    My father-in-law is from New England, enough said.

    "But, you want to be able to have coffee!"

    I mean, seriously, you really have to wonder about some people's priorities.

    "Category 2 hurricane and you're worried about coffee?"

    I'm sure the table behind us MUST have heard the muscles in my neck snap, as I whipped my head in my husband's direction (I mean, my neck STILL hurts a little) seriously, he's lived with me for 21 years.

    "Maybe coffee would help make them worry about it, you know, less."

    Okay, at this point, I realize that it sounded as if I was being beaten by the stoopid stick. 

    It's not every day you experience an earthquake AND a hurricane in the same week.

    I stood my ground.

    "This way, you have water, all you have to do is just fire up your Keurig and you're good to go."

    Wait for it.

    "That's actually a great idea.

    Wait.  For.  It.

    "Iffffffff, they had electricity!"

    AHEM.

    "How about those Giants?"

    [blink, blink]

    "They're actually going to go ahead and play the Jets."

    [sound of crickets]

    "You know, on Saturday?!?"

    [heavy sigh]

    "Sure, I'll have another glass of wine, thanks!"

    All I'm saying is, thank goodness, I married a boyscout….stupid Irene!

    © 2003 – 2011 This Full House

  • Spring Break Day 1: Chocobeast Vs Cheesecakemonster

    I don't know about you…but…scaring the pudding…out of MY KIDS…like this…to the point where they will be up…fighting for leg room…IN MY BED…for the rest of the night?

    You know, there better be a FREAKISHLY LARGE piece of ricotta cheesecake…waiting…just…for…me.

    Just sayin'!

    © 2003 – 2011 This Full House

  • Parenting Tip #93,018,833:
    Perfect Hindsight is 20-20
    Give or Take a Lifetime

    Hindsight PhotoCredit: HeatherrMarie

    I have been accused of being an emotional person upon occasion, or twenty (I know, act surprised anyway, okay?) which means that I absolutely suck at Texas Hold 'Em.

    [eyes go wide, hands begin to shake, sweat beads form on upper lip]

    I'm ALL in, before all the cards are dealt, even.

    "CALL!"

    Which, of course, also means that I cannot fake my way through a situation, even if my insurance rates depended on it.

    "Why no, officer [hands being to shake] I didn't realize [sweat beads forming on upper lip] that my taillight was [GAH!!!!] yes, yes, I'm sorry, my left headlight is out, too!"

    My husband, Garth (not his real name) on the other hand, well, he has this philosophic calm about him and the way he handles confrontation.

    Which, of course, also means that he says totally nonsensical, idiomatic stuff, like, "It is what it is," and, "Can't ask a leopard to change its spots," or, my favorite "Six to one, half a dozen to another," NOT!

    Unless, you make me cry.

    [eyes go wide, hands begin to shake, sweat beads form on upper lip]

    Then, my friend, he is not above reading the riot act, to anyone, not even the Queen herself, as quick as you can say Jack Robinson, in the 3rd person, even.

    "All persons, being assembled, shall immediately disperse and peaceably depart to their habitations or to their lawful business on the pain of being guilty of an offense for which, on conviction, they may be sentenced to death by idioms, for life."

    [blank stare]

    "All-uh-yuhs, just get off her back, will yuhs!?!"

    Morale of the Story:  May you have the hindsight to know where you've been, the foresight to know where you are going and the insight to know when you have gone too far.

    Short Version:  Don't make my husband have to go all Jersey on your sorry ass!

    God Save the King of Idioms, Garth (not his real name) thanks for having my back, yesterday!

    Love always,

    The Queen of Dorks (herself!)

    © 2003 – 2011 This Full House

  • Cloudy With a Chance of Snowballs

    Passed the Nose on My Face

    I love snow [ducks to avoid flying snowballs] working up enough courage to actually get behind the wheel of a car and driving in it, not so much!

    I got into my first and only car wreck [knocking on wood until knuckles bleed] while driving home from work…in a snow storm.

    It was bad; my body hurts just thinking about it.

    I was only 20 and, well, let's just say I've spent the last 20-something years, doing my best to avoid, having to drive…in the snow.

    Until, I had children.

    My kids don't like to walk, anywhere (I think it's a law, or something) partly, because we live in an area where the ratio between accessible sidewalks to the actual number of cars on the road is equal to the proportion of the accumulated snowfall.

    In other words, no one shovels their gosh-darned sidewalks, anymore, DAGNABIT!

    "Can I stay home, today?"

    [frown]

    "Yes…WAIT…I mean, NO!"

    I fear for my middle girl.  She attends a specialized high school 25 miles away from home and, well, her bus travels some of the craziest roads known to the Jersey Shore as…THE PARKWAY!!!

    [shiver]

    "Sorry, kiddo, but you have finals, today!"

    Aaaaand, she was out sick, yesterday, already, DAGNABIT!!!

    "Can you pick me up from school, today?"

    [bites lower lip]

    "Um, NO!"

    What?  This particular kid also takes a bus and, well, who am I to deny someone a chance to do their job, right?

    "Can you pick me up from school, today?"

    [heavy sigh]

    "Uh, NO!"

    What?  Aaaand, this kid can literally spit from our house to the school, we live THAT close.

    "Now, remember, if the snow gets really, really bad, mommy's gonna park the car down the street and we're gonna walk home, okay?"

    [eyes go wide]

    "ALL THE WAY FROM SCHOOL?!?"

    YES!  Because, there's a wooded path leading from this kid's school, to the adjacent neighborhood and, well, I fear THAT parking lot, the most!

    "It'll be an adventure!"

    Besides, we're supposed to get like, 10 inches and I've abandoned cars, for less.

    "…so, our area can expect a light dusting to no accumulation…until, tonight."

    PHEW!

    [looks out the window]

    BALLS!

    Guess what?  The weather dudes were wrong (GASP!) I spun out in the CVS parking lot getting milk on the way home from school this morning and, well, it looks like my kids are walking!

    [pulls up hoodie and blows bangs out of eyes]

    If anyone needs me, I'll be outside, cleaning off my car (for the eleventy-hundrendth time) and pretending like I'm a REAL good stay-at-home mother.

    Stupid Snowmaggedon!!!

    © 2003 – 2011 This Full House

  • You Know You’re a Parent When:
    All You Want for Christmas
    Is a Puke-free New Year

    Facebook Update on Puke Beeeeecause, all the baking, cleaning, cooking, planning and preparing in the world will NOT stop the creeping crud from putting a damper on your holiday.

    Unless, you live at our house…

    "Sweetie, you awake?"

    …you're turning 15, this week…

    "Any special requests?"

    …but, have lost ALL concept of time…

    "Can I please have some water, now, pretty please?"

    …because, the kid's been puking since Christmas Day.

    "Um, not yet, Sweetie, maybe tomorrow."

    At our house, birthdays and holidays sometimes arrive late and can last an entire week, even.

    "What day is it, again, today?"

    [one beat, two beats]

    "Uh, well, um, Christmas, yeah, that's right, it's Christmas!"

    On OPPOSITE day, so what?

    "Oh, look…AAAAAND it's snowing!"

    Besides, this way, it looks like we'll be having a White Christmas, after all!

    "Oh good, just in time for my sleepover!!!"

    Um, yeah…about that…considering Snowmageddon has indeed arrived, uh, no.

    "Right, Momma?"

    Shhhh, but don't remind Heather, that Glen has a wrestling tournament (on Heather's birthday) but, he's also coughing up a lung, like Holly and Hope's been hitting the bathroom (on and off) since early, this morning.

    "Riiiiiight, I hope it snows until New Years."

    What?  Okay, I don't know about your house. 

    "YAY…let's have pajama day, everyday!"

    I would MUCH rather admit defeat once, than have to succumb to the creeping crud, one celebration at a time, you know?

    Happy, um, Everything!!!

    © 2003 – 2010 This Full House Blog / This FULL House (Re)Views

  • #Reverb10: Party

    Reverb10story
    Reverb 10 is an online initiative created by Gwen Bell to reflect on 2010, consider, you know, what's next and, through daily writing prompts, help folks (like me) share their story. 

    Since I am ALL about sharing (shuddup Garth, not your real name!) and my friend Shannon is doing it (although, the non-conformist in me can't promise to, you know, write daily) I've decided to give it a whirl.

    Today's prompt:  Party — what social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans.

    Me and FireMom  

    [photo credit: FireMom]

    These days, my kids have cornered the market on party hopping (don't even get me started on sleepovers, or, more accurately, keep parents awake until 2:00 in the morningovers) unless, showcasing unbreakable cookware and food storage containers are involved.

    Then, move over and pass the mojitos, my friend, I am SO there!

    Once again, I had the EXTREME pleasure of meeting up with some really AWESOME friends at BlogHer in NYC, this year — fleeting moments of SQUEE! could be heard for miles, I'm sure — perhaps it should really be called MeetHer, HugHer and GoHomeWithHer!

    Kicking back on a rooftop with BusyMom, Jenna, Melisa, Sue, Carmen, and picking soot out of each other's hair…now, that's MY idea of a party…YES, really!!!

    SaveHer10

    SaveHer10

    However, it is what happens AFTER the party — like, riding in an ambulance with BusyMom — that sometimes proves to be the MOST, you know, memorable.

    I can't WAIT to see what happens, next year!

    My OTHER Reverb 10 stories.

    © 2003 – 2010 This Full House Blog / TFH Gone Shopping

  • Yes, But In OUR House
    We Just Celebrate “Blech Friday!”

    Taken for middle girl's journalism assignment at Michaels on Black Friday!

    Door busters, early bird specials, late night bonus savings, midnight madness, please take a number, stand in this line, DON'T MOVE, because, we may or may not call you within the next six hours (or, twenty) HOLY HANNAH MONTANA, is it me, or did shopping just get REAL HARD, or something?!?

    I know.  The thrill of the sale.  Never EVER pay full price, if you don't have to.  I get that.  In fact, some of my best friends plan AND manage to get ALL of their holiday shopping done, every year, in one blessed day, DAMMIT!

    Just, not me.

    Nope, I'm THAT annoying lady, digging in her shoulder bag with one hand, flipping through the sale flier with the other, swearing up and down that she JUST had the stupid CVS coupon in her hand, a minute ago, AND she's standing RIGHT in front of you, too, DAMMIT!

    Yep, I am ALL about making last minute shopping decisions and NOT just because I suffer from FDD (financial deficit disorder) or the lack of poor planning, or less than perfect organizational skills, either.

    Nope, in our house, we just wait for something to blow up THEN we go shopping!

    [sound of running feet]

    "Now, what happened?"

    Except, this passed Friday.

    "OH…MY…GAWD…WHAT…IS…THAT…SMELL!!!"

    The dog blew up.

    "QUICK!  Where did you put all those sale papers?!?"

    Aaaand, Garth (not his real name) went shopping.

    "But, it's 1:00 o'clock in the morn…[GAG!]…they're on the mantel!"

    Then again, we NEEDED to clean the carpet, sooner or later.

    "HOLY HANNAH MONTANA!!!"

    Aaaand, the Doofus-Dawg just saved us 40% on a new rug shampoo machine.

    "Is that his spleen?!?"

    BLECH!  Thanks to our family and friends, who insisted on slipping the dog "just a quick taste" under the table, we just experienced our first "belly buster sale."

    [cue crickets, chirping]

    Can't WAIT to see what I get…next year…stupid Thanksgiving!!!

    © 2003 – 2010 This Full House Blog / TFH Gone Shopping

  • How Many Geico Commercials DOES it Take to Push ME Over the Edge?



     

    Having spent the last few days recuperating from surgery (crankcase overhaul, overall, was successfully, THANKS!) only to be rushed back to the doctor's office with perhaps the worst bronchial infection, ever (SURPRISE!!!) THEN having to re-recuperate, while under the influence of prednisone (i.e. synonym for CRAZY) well, the last few days HAVE been an enlightening experience.

    For example, stuff I learned while under the influence of prednisone:

    • The definition of ironic:  electing to go through total crankcase overhaul to aleve wicked pre-pre-menopausal symptoms (you're welcome!) and then being prescribed prednisone, which then induces hot flashes and cold sweats.
    • Go figure, since my husband, Garth (not his real name) has referred to me in the past as his, "salty wench."
    • To which, much to the HORROR of my children, I began singing, "Pour some Mustard on Me!" during dinner, yesterday.
    • To which, Garth (not his real name) started hiding the sharp stuff.
    • My husband, Garth (not his real name) would make someone a WONDERFUL wife (fuhgehtaboutit, I'm keeping him!)
    • Watch those Geico commercials enough times (especially, that one up there) and they actually start looking, you know, pretty funny.

    This one, however, makes me kinda sorta want to cut someone, actually!!!

    I rest my case, stupid steroids.

    DISCLOSURE:  This post is in NO WAY an endorsement for Geico and…NO!…I am NOT going to actually cut someone, for real.  Besides, I am NOT allowed to use sharp stuff (remember?) not until I at least finish my prescription…Thanksgiving Day.

    Why…YES!…yes, we ARE hosting Thanksgiving dinner this year; why, you want to come over?

    C'mon, there's ALWAYS room for one more [cough…cough] CRAZY [cough…cough] and we could REALLY, REALLY use some more mustard!

    UPDATED TO ADD:  Ventured out for 1st time in almost a week without incident (YAY!) Only to trip in living room & bust up my knee cap while getting a jump start on Thanksgiving cleaning.  Don't worry, Garth (not his real name) ripped me a new one for it. #iklutz

    © 2003 – 2010 This Full House Blog

  • A Womb With a View

    Riverview

    This is one of my favorite views this side of Jersey (Bon Jovi lives just across the river, right over there, see him?) I took that pic with my cell phone (yes, my camera is STILL broken) while waiting for my pre-admissions stuff, the other day.

    What?  The dude sitting next to me took one, too!  It really is a beautiful view.

    When my oldest daughter was born (nearly 17 years ago, this Friday, ACK!) every expectant mother hoped for a "river view," just like that, from their hospital window.

    I was NOT one of those moms.

    Nuh-uh, I was a leeee-tull busy at the time.  After 17 hours of labor, you coulda put me in a dumpster, I wouldn't have minded, just GET THIS KID OUTTA ME!

    "HIYA!"

    So, I thought.  Back then, they didn't have private post-natal rooms and my roomie was, well, one mother of a P.I.T.A.!!!

    "This is my first, too!"

    Seriously?  I don't remember her name.  However, I do recall that Mother Earth told me that she was "breast feeding on demand" (I think she might have even gotten cable on those puppies) while I elected to bottle feed (no flaming, just would have been nice to have similar feeding schedules) and she spoke about two octaves higher than a normal person, which made her even MORE annoying than a lactating wood chipper!

    I glanced over her shoulder, out the window and pretended I was anywhere, but here.

    "I can't WAIT to have another!"

    Then, I puked.

    "Oh, you poor thing."

    Aaaand, so ended our conversation and any further sympathy, or courtesy I would get from Mother Earth.

    She had at least a half a dozen visitors, coming, or going, at any given time and, let me tell you, the LAST thing any new mother needs, especially one who's been ripped through, from top to bottom, by something the size of a watermelon (you're welcome) is a bunch of gooney-goo-goo-eyed strangers asking her, "Sooooo, what did you haaaaaave?"

    "A watermelon, I think."

    Didn't help that the toilet was on MY side of the room, either.

    [FLUSH]

    "HIYA, sooooo, what did YOU haaaaaave?"

    Aaaand, that's when I lost it.

    "BWAHHHHH!"

    Long story, short (no, really, you're welcome!) they gave me my own room and, for the next 12 hours, I slept like a baby.

    "HIYA!"

    [We interrupt this day dream to bring you…death by wood chipper]

    I crash landed back and, no, it wasn't Mother Earth (that would be REAL weird, right?) but, it was nice to see my SIL come down to check on me (she happens to work at this hospital) and, well, you gotta love karma, right?

    "Great view, isn't it?"

    Yeah, it really is (albeit, a little melancholy, this time around) and, even though I am half-passed-too-old and a-quarter-to-menopause (ain't being a woman, grand?) I can't help but feel a little sad that, next time, you know, there REALLY won't be a next time.

    "The water looks smooth as glass."

    Good thing there was a bathroom, right there, too!

    [FLUSH]

    Stupid river view.

    Stopdiabetes

    © 2010 This Full House Blog / TFH Gone Shopping

  • In Which I Discuss My Girly Bits in Manly Terms

    Giving Men A Dose of Menopause [Source]

    I went out to lunch with a mom friend, who also happens to be a pharmacist (don't have one, get one!) and it didn't take long for the conversation to turn all, you know, clinical.

    "How about those hormonal replacement therapies, eh?"

    I mean, it sort of goes with the territory.  Besides, I'm a mom, she's a mom and you know you're a mom when you can comfortably discuss your entire reproductive system over a cobb salad, right?

    "So, you're going forward with the edometrial ablation?"

    What?  Oh.  Sorry.  But, it felt SO GREAT to be able to FINALLY talk about this sort of…uh…stuff with someone who understands, or can empathize and not just in clinical terms, either. 

    Sort of like blogging. 

    There's something really very therapeutic about being able to, literally, write your way into a healthier state of mind, right?

    Riiiiiiiight.

    Which is probably the reason why my blog was voted #8 most confessional last year (anti-alpha mom, indeed!) 

    Still.  At the risk of sliding into the #1 spot in 2010 (congratulations, Mir!) I'd like to continue discussing the trouble with my girly bits in the most manly way I know how.

    In mechanical terms.

    [cracks knuckles]

    Ready?

    Last 5 Years:

    I've been experiencing brief instances of heavy load and sudden acceleration and, for fear of causing any further internal engine damage, I thought it was indeed way passed time for a professional assessment.

    2 Weeks Ago:

    A brief, superficial inspection under the hood confirmed a breach in the combustion chamber and carbon build up on the outside of the engine wall.

    It was determined that additional performance-related diagnostic information was required.

    Last Week:

    Diagnostics further determined that the engine crankcase was crammed and required pressure relief; the sooner, the better.

    Today:

    However, to be sure that the flame arrester is operable (in case of backfire, we wouldn't want the flame in the intake to spread to the crankcase) they're going to scrape carbon off the pistons for further analysis.

    Prognosis:

    Diagnostics should be available in a couple of weeks, when further assessment will be made as to whether the flame has NOT spread to the crankcase, in which firing the exhaust tip (as scheduled for later next month) should alleviate the problem, or else a complete removal of the crank shaft and/or power wash of the engine is highly recommended.

    But, that's between me and my mom mechanic.

    [hands over dessert menu]

    You're welcome!!!

    © 2010 This Full House Blog / TFH Gone Shopping