Oh, go ahead, you know you want to, my kids will end up hating me anyway. Okay, I'll start:
"Don't make me have to go all Dr. Evil on your butt!"
You're next. Caption me, baby.
© 2003 – 2011 This Full House Blog / This Full House Gone Shopping
Category: Heather
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F-artsy Baby Pictures I
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Curse While You’re Thinking
It Saves Time (In Jersey, Anyway!)
Queen Latifah (love her!) gives a really great interview in Parade Magazine, this week:"There's something about growing up in New Jersey that prepares you for whatever you might encounter around the world. We're not afraid to go places."
Having lived in Jersey, all my life, I feel it safe to say, "What she said!!!"
Contrary to what many other people may think (about people from Jersey) specifically, about moms like me…ahem…we really do know how to use our words and, although we tend to speak with our hands, some of us more than others…ahem…Jersey Girls know how to use their inside voices, too.
[sound of crickets, chirping]
Unless, you've had someone home, sick, since Christmas Eve and then get dumped on by 3 feet of snow (a.k.a. Snowmaggedon) causing you to convince a typically understanding 15 year-old (note: she was the one sick on Christmas) that…YES!!!…celebrating unbirthdays is waaaay cool (IS SO!) oh, and that shopping for last minute New Year's Eve snackage is awesome AND fun (see previous parenthesis) then, some unfortunate a$$hat decides to take your parking space.
[inhales]
You know, the one you've been patiently waiting on for the last eleventy hours.
"ARE YOU FRICKIN' KIDDING ME!"
[puts car in park, rolls up sleeves, swallows gum]
"What are *bleep*ing blind, can't you see me *bleep*ing waiting ovuh-heh?"
[inhales]
"Yah, well, a very Happy *Bleep*ing New Year, to you, too, you morrrrrrr-RON!"
Aaaand, this is about the time I remembered that, you know, my 15 year-old was still in the car and, judging by the look on her face, I just earned myself another
reason why I won't be accepting Mother of the Year, again, or anytime soon, for that matter.
[rolls window down]
"Yeah, what SHE said!"
Then again, looking on the bright side, my kids are getting older and, well, worst case, they won't be afraid to call out bad behavior when the see it.
[rolls window up]
"Um…what the heck is an A$$hat?"
Aaaand they seem to be able to show much more restraint than, you know, their mother, already.
"Someone who says or does something, stupid, without thinking."
On the other hand, the lesson would have been MUCH MORE effective if, you know, I had thought to roll the window down…first.
"Can I say it?"
[one beat, two beats]
"Only if someone really, really deserves it!"
So, Happy New Year, everyone…except you.
[rolls down window]
"You stupid, parking-space-stealing, a$$hat!"
What she said!
© 2003 – 2011 This FULL House Blog / This FULL House (Re)Views
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Nearly Wordless Wednesday:
Freeze Framed – Jersey Style!Created with the most BESTEST, AWESOMEST, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER not to mention, ABSOLUTELY FRIGALICIOUS Christmas gift…EVUH (thank you, Garth – not your real name – you TOTALLY rock my socks!) deep freeze courtesy of Snowmaggedon 2010.
Edited with Picasa 3.0 to Bruce Springsteen's 10th Avenue Freeze Out (DITTO!)
Check out the Official Wordless Wednesday HQ
Tag, you're it: Wordless WednesdaySee you next year, everyone!!!
© 2003 – 2011 This FULL House Blog / This FULL House (Re)Views
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Spittin’ on Sunshine (Wooah!)
Happy 15th Birthday, Heather!
By now, you've been marked on the measuring wall, had your birthday hunt and opened your gift (you're welcome!) and I really do hope that you're not too disappointed.
Don't worry. I understand. Even if you swore a thousand and one times on your beloved great-grandmother's grave (who loved you very much, too and is probably watching, right now, so I better be REAL careful about what I say next) birthdays SHOULD be coveted and a time when selflessness is, more often than not, overlooked.
Unless, you live in our house…your birthday falls SMACK in the middle of cold and flu season…it snowed about two-gazillion feet and you're STILL digging out (DAMMIT!) or, in this case, ALL of the above (see previous parenthesis!) aaaand, your birthday sleepover (a.k.a. slumberless) party has been postponed (again) until maybe, um, next year?
"How about if I pencil you in for this Thursday?"
It's times like these when I begin to believe that wishing on sunshine and rainbows is highly overrated.
"That's okay, Momma, I understand."
As I watch you, right now, whille we take advantage of a delayed opening at dad's office (YAY!) and enjoy an impromptu breakfast celebration (i.e. just happened to have eggs, milk AND enough flour) chowing down on his scrumpdeliumptious crepes and finding contentment with where you are, right now.
"For some reason, these taste really, really good today, dad!"
It's only then do I realize the warm streams of light that begin to float through our dining room window and find absolute joy in being able to see our spit in the sunshine.
"Wait, let me try!"
Still, I can't help but agree with your father and his gosh-darned New England sensibility (sort of!)
"You guys are really just too much!"
Because, these are the times, when I truly believe, with all my heart, there is NO such thing as too much gift.
"Ready, together now!"
Happy Birthday, BeeBop!!!
"We're spittin' on sunshine, WHOOAH!"
Once again, you've proved yourself WAY too much gift, for me — but, I love, LOve, LOVe, oh my gosh, I absolutely freakin' LOVE you — I'm keeping you, anyway.
© 2003 – 2011 This Full House Blog / This FULL House (Re)Views
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You Know You’re a Parent When:
All You Want for Christmas
Is a Puke-free New YearBeeeeecause, all the baking, cleaning, cooking, planning and preparing in the world will NOT stop the creeping crud from putting a damper on your holiday.
Unless, you live at our house…
"Sweetie, you awake?"
…you're turning 15, this week…
"Any special requests?"
…but, have lost ALL concept of time…
"Can I please have some water, now, pretty please?"
…because, the kid's been puking since Christmas Day.
"Um, not yet, Sweetie, maybe tomorrow."
At our house, birthdays and holidays sometimes arrive late and can last an entire week, even.
"What day is it, again, today?"
[one beat, two beats]
"Uh, well, um, Christmas, yeah, that's right, it's Christmas!"
On OPPOSITE day, so what?
"Oh, look…AAAAAND it's snowing!"
Besides, this way, it looks like we'll be having a White Christmas, after all!
"Oh good, just in time for my sleepover!!!"
Um, yeah…about that…considering Snowmageddon has indeed arrived, uh, no.
"Right, Momma?"
Shhhh, but don't remind Heather, that Glen has a wrestling tournament (on Heather's birthday) but, he's also coughing up a lung, like Holly and Hope's been hitting the bathroom (on and off) since early, this morning.
"Riiiiiight, I hope it snows until New Years."
What? Okay, I don't know about your house.
"YAY…let's have pajama day, everyday!"
I would MUCH rather admit defeat once, than have to succumb to the creeping crud, one celebration at a time, you know?
Happy, um, Everything!!!
© 2003 – 2010 This Full House Blog / This FULL House (Re)Views
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Wordless Wednesday:
Aaaand So It Begins
To Look a LOT Like Christmas!
The countdown (27 days until Heather's 15th birthday) officially begins…NOW!!!Taken with my cell phone. Imagine what I could do with a REAL camera? Yeah, I'm looking at you, Garth (not his real name!)
Check out the Official Wordless Wednesday HQ
Tag, you're it: Wordless Wednesday© 2003 – 2010 This Full House Blog / This Full House Gone Shopping
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And what do you burn,
apart from witches?I snapped this shot of my youngest and her bff on Halloween. Whoops. Sorry, I promise that will be the LAST time I mention Halloween.
D'oh!
Aaaanyway, I was looking through my flickr account and remembered that I posted a similar photo about 2 years ago, along with the realization that little girls were, you know, NOT very nice.
Then, they grow up and become women who dislike you for just, you know, being you.
Why is that?
I dunno. Seems I'm STILL having trouble quieting my inner-9-year-old in thinking…why YES…yes, we WILL be friends…until the end…of course.
Or, until, someone decides to burn a bridge, or something, with me, you know, still standing on it.
"Oh, I just can't STAND her right now!"
Conversations that start out like this, yeah, they make me itch.
"Who?"
Especially, when it is one of MY girls who says it.
"Oh, So-and-So is just AWFUL!"
Most especially, my teens.
"Wait a minute, I thought you were friends."
Apparently, yes, 10 minutes ago.
Long story short (you're welcome) I've tried to raise my kids to believe that calling someone out as your friend means that you also accept them for who they are and sometimes, yes, when they are NOT being very friend-like, either.
"Bet you wouldn't say that if I told you what she did!"
[whispers in ear]
However, I've recently come to the conclusion that there are also many levels of friendship and that's okay, too.
"Are you kidding me…in a Starbucks?!?"
No one is perfect. People make mistakes. Rumors and innuendos kill. I get that!
"How do you know?"
Then again, I'm just going to have to accept the fact that perhaps there ARE those times when it's best to, you know, walk away from a friendship.
[whispers in other ear]
Or, um, run.
"Well, maybe it IS time to give THAT friendship a break."
You do NOT want to know, however, if you have kids — especially, if they are teens and most especially, if they are girls — this would probably be a REAL good time to remind them about the improper uses of a cell phone.
"And, I'm NEVER using THAT bathroom, again!"
Trust me, I am a professional dork and NO ONE knows, the exact locations of the nearest emergency exit AND bathroom, better than I do!
P.S. Relax! It wasn't the 9 year-old and I am typically NOT this casual, or flippant when talking to my kids about this sort of stuff. However, I am thankful when one of them feels comfortable enough to talk (to me) about, you know, this sort of stuff (sort of) but, trust me when I also tell you that I was MUCH less calm about it, at the time, too!
"What's the matter with you?"
Another day, another kid, etc…
"What's His Name said he deleted me from his Live account!"
[heavy sigh]
"Meh, don't worry about it."
Boys, however, are a whole 'nother animal!
"He's just being a jerk!"
Stupid social media.
© 2010 This Full House Blog / TFH Gone Shopping
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It’s the Goodish Pumpkin
Charlie Brown!
(The Un-cut Version!)Corn, maze, maize, whateverrrrr.
As a mom, celebrating her 16th Halloween (I'm old, I know, shuddup!) I feel it safe to say that, no matter how grown you think your kids are (yes, mine are probably more-oldish than yours) the great pumpkin hunt is ALWAYS an adventure.
Feets, don't fail me now!
So, yesterday, after hosting a yummy Sunday brunch for a couple of my besties (seriously, you SHOULD be my friend) I asked the kids if they'd like to get their pumpkin hunt in early (i.e. before Halloween!!!)
This year, however, we opted into taking "the scary" hayride (as opposed to "the friendly" and less, you know, scenes from Disturbia version of Halloween celebrations) and, well, I don't expect my 11 year-old son will get a good night sleep, for a while.
"I…DO…NOT…LIKE…THIS…HAY…RIDE!!!"
Not until after Christmas, anyways.
Tried to get a picture, so I could show my son, later (since, he spent most of the ride with his face buried in my left shoulder) then someone SCREAMED and all I got was my finger!Honestly, the worse I was expecting was for some dude to jump out in a gorilla suit, maybe a couple of scream experts, a few bloodied teens all hopped up on testosterone, a month's serving of candy corn, or something.
"Rum-bum-bum-bum-zzzzooom-zzzzooom-zzzzoom!"
Okay, so the chainsaw-wielding clown AND machette-swinging zombies DID freak us out, a little (alright, A LOT) but, I tried to remember that the ride was supposed to be, you know, scary!
Unlike, some poor girl's parents (I'm guessing she was about my son's age) who went all buh-liss-tick AND I mean in a totally stop-this-ride-I-wanna-go-home sort of way, too!!!
"SCRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMM!!!!"
Nah, her parents probably won't get any sleep…either…not for the rest of the year, anyways!
Pumpkin guts, it's what's for dinner!
A few more minutes, and a WHOLE LOT of convincing that the chainsaw-wielding clown would NOT be waiting around the corner, later in the corn maze (I HOPE!) we picked our pumpkins and went home…to cut them (Jersey style) and then dig their guts out…with a spoon!
Holly carved her own pumpkin, this year (sniff!) his name is Pip (via Great Expectations!)
As did Heather (sob!) his name is Fester (like the wound, not the Adams Family…ICK!)
I helped Hope with hers (YAY!) his name is Professor Zumie (like, the store she wishes I'd let her shop in!)
Ghoulishy, scary, in a cute sort of way, these pumpkins really ARE the best this house has ever seen!
But, wait, there's more (you're welcome!) the family pumpkin! You know, the one that I get to cut (because, I'm the mom!) His name is Mr. Bill!What about Glen? Oh, he finally admitted to having a good-ish time (DAMMIT!) aaaand his pumpkin is up there, sitting right next to mine.
"I christen thee…The Pumpkin Who Shall Not Be Named!"
The un-cut version, of course — eat that Charlie, Brown!
© 2010 This Full House Blog / TFH Gone Shopping
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Worming HIS Way Into Motherhood
Having been my children's primary care provider (i.e. Mom) for the last 17 years (I know, I'm old, SHUDDUP!) I look forward to impromptu school holidays, like Columbus Day, when I don't have to cook, clean or do anything special (like, cook or clean) normally associated with celebrating more traditional gift-giving and feasting-type holidays.
I kind of get excited when my husband, Garth (not his real name) happens to have the day off, too!
Still.
Working from home does have its disadvantages.
"When is So-and-So and What's Her Name coming over, again?"
We're helping a couple of friends out by sitting their kids, today (what's two more, right?) and by we…of course…I mean, Garth (not his real name!)
"I'm going to make a worm box!"
Aaaaand, I have to be honest, I am feeling a little threatened at the moment.
"Cool, can we help!"
Honestly, a worm box?
So, I went outside (seeing as I showered, got dressed and everything) to take a look at this fantastical worm box.
Aaaaand, not ONLY is it a fantastical way to get kids outside (so, mommy can get a jump start on a couple of writing projects this week) not to mention, actually convincing them that something low-tech, like digging for worms is, you know, fun (their names are Jeffrey, Skittles and Bob) but, Garth (not his real name) got a chance to demonstrate his multi-tasking skills, by cleaning out my shredder, too.
DAMMIT!
"Do you need any clean clothes for your trip, tomorrow?"
Aaaand, I'm okay with that AND totally crushing on my husband's feminine side…today!
(Disclosure: Garth (not his real name) just reminded me that my son and his friend wanted nothing to do with the outdoors and now they are ALL folding socks.)
Boys, however, ARE stewpid!
(Disclosure: I was able to convince the boys that…yeah…they REALLY would probably rather be outside, too.)
I win!
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Parenting Tip #3,100,188:
Don’t Worry, They’re Wrong
It Does NOT Get Any Easier!
I worry about my children. What? You, too!?!? Oh, thank goodness, because I thought parents of preschoolers were the only ones allowed to, you know, NOT know what they are doing.You see, once I became a parent (i.e. someone's mother, not apparent, like in an easily noticed sort of way) I was told (by other parents) when my children hit kindergarten (i.e. started school full-time, not hit, like in a smack with a hammer sort of way) that my job was, you know, DONE!
And I believed them.
After all, having raised 4 babies, to toddlerhood (yes, it's a word!) and beyond, it IS hard work (and I mean that in every sense of the word) heck, I've got the eye baggage to prove it.
"Have a GREAT day at school, Sweetie!!!"
[pumps fist into air]
"WHOOT…WE DID IT!!!"
Yes, I actually played that scene, just like that, over and over again (in my head) and when that 1st day of school FINALLY came, well…
"WHOOT!!!"
…yah, it was pretty much like that.
"Ummmm…now what?"
Figuring out what to do with myself was never really an issue (not with ANOTHER kid, at home) until my youngest hit started full-time kindergarten and…well…you know.
"What are you going to do with your day? "
Et tu, Garth (not his real name?)
Oh, I was very happy and not just because my husband took me to breakfast that fateful morning.
Right now, those of you who know that Hope is in the 4th grade (I think!) I bet you're wondering, you know, how DO I remember that, right?
Well, I was finding ways in which I can avoid doing the laundry cleaning out my files, when I came across this blog post I wrote waaaaay back in 2006.
So what, right?
Well, I read the rest of my post (because, well, I am my BIGGEST fan) and this is the part that got me, but good:
"I've got tons of stuff to do…there's a pile of mail on my desk
that I need to go through…not to mention laundry…and tons of stuff
that don't fit the kids…I need to sift through…before changing over
the closets for the fall…and I've got to organize their
rooms…better…before I can do that…which reminds me…I've got to
get the garage cleaned out…before I can finish renovating the
kitchen…and re-finish the dining room…I was hoping to start this
past summer…but, not before I finish wallpapering our room…I
started…three years ago…oh, crap…but, I'll have finish painting
Little Man's room, first…and…um…are you okay, Hon?"Long story, short (you're welcome!) my husband's eyes glazed over and then, well, he went to work.
So, what's my point?
[rolls up sleeves]
Although my writing HAS changed (sort of):
- there's a pile of mail on my desk I need to go through (it'll be there tomorrow)
- not to mention laundry (it NEVER ends)
- 2 of my kids have stuff that don't fit (boys don't care and the girl can borrow stuff from the other 2)
- closets haven't been changed (good thing, it's gonna be 90 degrees tomorrow)
- garage isn't cleaned out (because, we're STILL not finished renovating the kitchen)
- kitchen is STILL not renovated (see above)
- dining room STILL needs refinishing (because, my room STILL needs wallpaper, the boys room painting… etc…)
Why? Because, I'm STILL busy worrying about AND still doing OTHER stuff for my kids…dammit!
[crosses arms]
Why am I telling you ALL this?
[rolls eyes]
Okay, so once YOUR kids are in school full-time and folks begin telling YOU that, you know, your job is done…don't worry about it!
[rolls up sleeves]
Just send them my way…I'll fix 'em…REAL good!
[reaches for hammer]
Heck, isn't that what blogging's for?
[sound of crickets chirping]
Well, I feel better; how about you?