This Full House Archive

Category: Glen

Parenting Tip #3,100,188:
Don’t Worry, They’re Wrong
It Does NOT Get Any Easier!
I worry about my children. What? You, too!?!? Oh, thank goodness, because I thought parents of preschoolers were the only ones allowed to, you know, NOT know what they are doing.

You see, once I became a parent (i.e. someone's mother, not apparent, like in an easily noticed sort of way) I was told (by other parents) when my children hit kindergarten (i.e. started school full-time, not hit, like in a smack with a hammer sort of way) that my job was, you know, DONE!

And I believed them.

After all, having raised 4 babies, to toddlerhood (yes, it's a word!) and beyond, it IS hard work (and I mean that in every sense of the word) heck, I've got the eye baggage to prove it.

"Have a GREAT day at school, Sweetie!!!"

[pumps fist into air]

"WHOOT…WE DID IT!!!"

Yes, I actually played that scene, just like that, over and over again (in my head) and when that 1st day of school FINALLY came, well…

"WHOOT!!!"

…yah, it was pretty much like that.

"Ummmm…now what?"

Figuring out what to do with myself was never really an issue (not with ANOTHER kid, at home) until my youngest hit started full-time kindergarten and…well…you know.

"What are you going to do with your day? "

Et tu, Garth (not his real name?)

Oh, I was very happy and not just because my husband took me to breakfast that fateful morning.

Right now, those of you who know that Hope is in the 4th grade (I think!) I bet you're wondering, you know, how DO I remember that, right?

Well, I was finding ways in which I can avoid doing the laundry cleaning out my files, when I came across this blog post I wrote waaaaay back in 2006.

So what, right?

Well, I read the rest of my post (because, well, I am my BIGGEST fan) and this is the part that got me, but good:

"I've got tons of stuff to do…there's a pile of mail on my desk
that I need to go through…not to mention laundry…and tons of stuff
that don't fit the kids…I need to sift through…before changing over
the closets for the fall…and I've got to organize their
rooms…better…before I can do that…which reminds me…I've got to
get the garage cleaned out…before I can finish renovating the
kitchen…and re-finish the dining room…I was hoping to start this
past summer…but, not before I finish wallpapering our room…I
started…three years ago…oh, crap…but, I'll have finish painting
Little Man's room, first…and…um…are you okay, Hon?"

Long story, short (you're welcome!) my husband's eyes glazed over and then, well, he went to work.

So, what's my point?

[rolls up sleeves]

Although my writing HAS changed (sort of):
- there's a pile of mail on my desk I need to go through (it'll be there tomorrow)
- not to mention laundry (it NEVER ends)
- 2 of my kids have stuff that don't fit (boys don't care and the girl can borrow stuff from the other 2)
- closets haven't been changed (good thing, it's gonna be 90 degrees tomorrow)
- garage isn't cleaned out (because, we're STILL not finished renovating the kitchen)
- kitchen is STILL not renovated (see above)
- dining room STILL needs refinishing (because, my room STILL needs wallpaper, the boys room painting… etc…)
Why? Because, I'm STILL busy worrying about AND still doing OTHER stuff for my kids…dammit!

[crosses arms]

Why am I telling you ALL this?

[rolls eyes]

Okay, so once YOUR kids are in school full-time and folks begin telling YOU that, you know, your job is done…don't worry about it!

[rolls up sleeves]

Just send them my way…I'll fix 'em…REAL good!

[reaches for hammer]

Heck, isn't that what blogging's for?

[sound of crickets chirping]

Well, I feel better; how about you?

© 2010 This
Full House Blog / This Full House Gone Shopping
September 22, 2010
Don’t Knock Knock It, If you Haven’t Washed and Dried It!

Kids. They WILL say the funniest things and, more often than not, parents ARE their main source of entertainment.

Knock knock. Who's there? Repeat. Repeat who? Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who.

Aaaaand, well, you get it, right?

Knock knock. Who's there? Kanga. Kanga Who? No. Kanga ROO!

Oh, we pretend laugh (or, not) and act like, you know, we've never, EVER heard that one, before.

Knock knock. Who's there? Cows. Cows who? No. Cows go MOO!

[heavy sigh]

Happiness is…your family. They're the people you love.

Then, they learn how to write and, well, all that pretend laughing you did seems to have paid off.

Until, you turn to the page.

Happiness is…an Xbox.

Doesn't matter that in 2006 (when my son wrote this entry into his 1st grade book binding project) we did NOT even have an Xbox.

Happiness is…friends. I like to have play dates with them.

Or, that we don't have any machetes (not in the house, anyway) or, swords [looks closer] okay, but it's a PRETEND light saber!

[heavy sigh]

Either way, a teacher once told me (please, don't ask me which one; we're talking approx. 80 parent teacher conferences, over here):

I'll believe half of what your child tells me about you, if you believe half
of what your child says about me.

Until, my son (he's in 6th grade, now) showed me his homework – write a set of directions; it could be how to get to your house, of a recipe, or how to play a video game – and guess which one he picked? Go ahead. I'll wait.

This Full House (the game) Directions: You have my mom and you must walk around picking up clothes to put in the laundry. While the clock is ticking down you must put more and more clothes in to add on time. If time runs out you lose!

At least, he got this one right and, well, his penmanship has improved, considerably, don'tcha think?

[sound of crickets chirping]

So, um, anyone heard any good knock knock jokes, lately?

[blows bangs out of eyes]

'Cawse, next week is back-to-school night (4 of them, to be exact) and I got nothin'!

© 2010 This
Full House Blog / This Full House Gone Shopping

September 17, 2010
Children of the REAL Jersey Shore
(Now with MORE zeppoles!)

Wake me up when Septemberrrrrr ends!

I love the beach this time of year. The fresh, salty air is a bit chillier, which makes the water seem much, much warmer and, well, most of the Bennies (i.e., the cast of the Jersey Shore, mostly, ironically enough) have ALL gone home.

"When was the last time we were at this beach, again?!?"

I get it. I was young, once (shuddup!) and could NOT wait for Friday nights, in the summer, when we'd head down the Parkway to Seaside Heights and/or Wildwood Crest and sneak into bars study the bible, ALL weekend long!

"I remember, Momma, it was when we showed Dana the ocean!"

I'd forgotten. Yeah, it really was the day we introduced my bloggy friend Dana to the ocean — she's from Wisconsin!

"Has it been THAT long?!?"

Sadly, my kids have outgrown Jenkinson's Boardwalk.

Glen's 1st trip to the boardwalk — Jenkinson's 1999

It really is just the right size for little ones; ALL tuckered out by nap time (me, too) and we'd be loooong gone by the time the Jersey Shore night life, you know, woke up.

"I thought that ride was SO MUCH bigger!"

Then, before you know it, YOUR kids meet the maximum 48 inches to ride and, well, you know, you can't go back.

"Can we get zeppoles?!?"

Yesterday, however, was a GREAT day to get out (considering, September also translates to, "school holiday," in Jersey!) and housewife is such an oxymoron, dontchathink?

Mmmmm….the view inside a big bag of zeppoles (pronounced as zep-poh-leez) or, fried dough, drowning in powdered sugar, if you're NOT from Jersey.

"Noooo, I want funnel cake!!!"

Mmmmm…of course…(or, auf-cawse, if you're from Jersey) there's ALWAYS room for funnel cake!!!

"Wanna eat it on the beach?!?"

Bet you did NOT know we had palm trees, or blue skies, here in Jersey, right? Are they real? You know, I really don't know.

"This was really an AWESOME day, Momma!"

What we DO know is that there's SO MUCH more to Jersey than what some reality t.v. shows would care to admit, sort of.

"Too bad you ran outta money for the rides!"

Of course, it most likely will not be the one that my kids remember but, let's NOT go there…just yet…m'kay!?!?

© 2010 This
Full House Blog / This Full House Gone Shopping

September 10, 2010
The 11th First Day of School

"Wait, let me take your picture!!!"

My 11 year-old son (the ONLY boy in the house, btw) is smiling, but inside I know that he was all, like, JEEZ!

"CRAP! Wait, it's too dark!"

Frankly, the kid has lived with me long enough to know that, you know, it's just easier to pretend EVERYONE'S mother is a dork (like me) especially, on the first day of school.

"Okay, now, smile!"

DAMMIT! Hang on. Can I just, you know, UGH!!! Wait a minute. Is he? Nooooo. Who am I kidding? Maybe he was just wiping some leftover sleep from his eye. Or, a bug flew up his nose (it COULD happen) still, it would be nice to think that my kids, you know, like having me around, kind of, sort of, too.

"Wait, let me take your picture!!!"

My youngest daughter (she's 9) was packed and ready to start school, a couple of weeks ago and, no, I can't say as I blame her.

"CRAP! Wait, it's too light!"

She's the last of my kids to ever enter the 4th grade and, I'm sorry, but I just don't remember the other 3 ever looking THIS little.

"Okay, now, smile!"

DAMMIT! They just NEVER wait, anymore, do they? Maybe she was feeling sorry for her baby sister (ahem) or, because she's a freshman now and doesn't start HER high school until next week (SOB!) still, it would be nice to think that my kids, you know, really do like each other, kind of, sort of, too.

"Wait a minute…"

[scrolls thru cell phone]

"…who did I forget?"

DAMMIT! I'm just NOT ready to admit that MY OLDEST IS A JUNIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL!!! Maybe, it was just WAY too early in the morning and I couldn't find my phone (it COULD happen) still, it would be nice to think that she already knows, after ALL these years, I love her, just the same.

Wait a minute!

Does a "night before school starts" picture of my coloring her hair count for at least something?!?

[sound of many crickets, chirping]

Besides, the fact that, you know, YES, I am one of THOSE moms and, well, there could be worse things.

[ducks lightning bolt]

Like, she could have a mother stupid enough to actually leave that picture (up there) on Flickr, right?

[cricket]

Riiiiiight. Wait a minute. She DOES read my blog. D'OH! Never mind.

© 2010 This Full House / This Full House Gone Shopping

September 3, 2010
When You Give a Doofus-Dawg a Watermelon

Doofus-Dawg on Watermelon

I love my dog. Truly, I do. Most of the time. He is a rescue. They found him tied to a dumpster. I can only imagine his life, b.u. (before us) still, there ARE pretty good reasons why we also refer to Rudolph as Doofus-Dawg (a.k.a. Pinhead) and why my husband, Garth (not his real name) texted me, while I was having dinner with the kids at my folks' house, last night.

"Wet sticky spot on living room rug, trail of dried juice on kitchen floor, watermellon gone, dish appears not to have broken, I'm not speaking to the dog."

Yes, he spelled watermelon wrong, so, I knew he WAS, you know, pretty angry.

"Where r u?"

Aaaand, I didn't answer him (right away) because, you know, I was THE ONE who left the watermelon on the counter.

"Why is the floor SO sticky?"

My son (he's 11 and, besides the dog and cat, is the ONLY boy in the house) woke up in a HORRIBLE mood, this morning.

"Rudolph ate some watermelon, last night."

Aaaand, he seems to be paying for it (see photo above) too.

"Ah, man, you kiddin' me, who left the watermelon out?"

Apparently, he wanted some.

"Um…Daddy DID!"

Relax. One good rescue deserves another, right? Besides, I'll tell him the truth, later (maybe) suffice it to say, I'm the one that has to live with the boy, for the next 8 hours, or so.

"AH, MAN!!!"

School starts tomorrow…THANKGAWD…stupid dog!!!

© 2010 This Full House / This Full House Gone Shopping

September 1, 2010
What I UnLearned on My Summer Vacation

Happy 20th Anniversary to us, Garth (not his real name!)

Most of my kids go back to school, this week — my middle girl has been accepted into a specialized high school and doesn't start until the Tuesday after Labor Day AND yes the other kids are NOT happy about it.

So, to soften the mood of our house (seriously, where DID the summer go?) my husband Garth (not his real name) surprised me for our 20th Wedding Anniversary (thanks for the well wishes, btw!) by taking a vacation day last Wednesday, Thursday AND Friday to spend more time with me (yes, ME!) doing absolutely nothing of REAL importance, which truly is a MONUMENTAL act of love, on his part.

Trust me, I know!!!

Although, it's nice to find some folks sharing their secrets to a happy marriage (97 of them, to be exact) I just think it would be prudent to just tell you that Garth (not his real name) and I have absolutely NO idea how we made it, this far!

Especially, considering what happened THIS passed weekend.

(more…)

August 30, 2010
Reason #91,034,199 Why I WILL NOT Be Pregnant at #BlogHer10!
I dropped the kids off at my folks' place today and it's, like, back-to-school quiet around here. Good thing, too, seeing as I'm not even packed, yet.

"We're hungry!"

Last week? Sucked donkey balls (that one's for my friend, Surprised Mom) and, well, good thing I am the master of spontaneous parenting.

[looks in fridge]

"BREAKFAST…it's what's for dinner!"

So, tonight, I'm sitting here, at the kitchen table…ALL…BY…MYSELF…and listening to absolutely nothing…except, for the sounds of my husband Garth (not his real name) making dinner.

"Stir fry sound good, for you?"

Sure, I'm a little hesitant about leaving the kids (with my parents, I mean) still, they are getting older and basically take care of themselves (my kids, I mean) especially, if there's cable and a microwave nearby (oh, I kid, sort of) and my oldest girls are really GREAT at holding down the fort, in an emergency.

"Do you mind if I head over to Kohls?"

This week, I spent 90 minutes at Dress Barn on Monday and all I got was a stinkin' scarf (cute, but it still sorta stinks that I couldn't find anything else) to show for it.

"Okay, but I have to tell you something."

Which is really code for, "This way, I don't have to look at you," in teen text.

"But, I don't want to tell you over the phone."

Aw, crap.

Long story, short (you're welcome) here's the gyst of what happened…in bullet points:
- Hope (she's 9) has been asking me, every other day, to tell her about where babies came from
- At that very moment, on each of those days, I've had exactly 5 minutes, to spare
- Hope got tired of waiting
- Hope asked her brother, Glen (he's 11) where babies came from
- Aaaaand, he told her.
Because, I already had "the talk" with Glen — thanks a lot, Garth (not your real name!) — and, well, the boy was doing me a favor.

The girls punished him, anyway.

"What he say?"

Bulleted version:
- The husband lays on top of the wife
- He shoots this fish-like thing inside her
- It buries itself into one of the wife's eggs
- The egg grows inside the wife and turns into a baby
Aaaaand, he was right…mostly.

"Put him on the phone."

So, I un-punished Glen, scolded Holly and Heather (seriously, who's the mommy?) and promised to have "the talk" with Hope…aaaaaafter, I get back.

Morale of the Story: Kohls RAWKS, cell phones are NOT the devil and my husband's stir fry tastes even better…cold…pregnant…or, SO NOT!!!

In the meantime, look for me at BlogHer — I'll be the tall, dork-ish one texting her kids — trying to convince my youngest two that Headless Mom, you know, really does have a head and my oldest two that her blog name has absolutely NOTHING to do with sex!

I think.

© 2010 This
Full House Blog – All Rights Reserved.
August 4, 2010
Wordless Wednesday: Hosed in Jersey

When ALL else #fails (i.e., car in shop, pool filter seizes, refrigerator burns up, or ALL of the above, just sayin') break out the hose and just fuhgehtaboutit!!!

Check out the Official Wordless Wednesday HQ
Tag,
you're it: Wordless Wednesday

© 2010 This
Full House Blog – All Rights Reserved.

July 28, 2010
Nearly Wordless Wednesday: Pretending Like It’s Two Zero Zero Four

This Full House 2004

Found this picture buried deep in our old desktop's files and, well, ignoring the fact that my laptop is STILL broken is not such a bad thing, after all. Buuuuut, now my face hurts, as I'm seriously considering climbing into the h…e…double hockey sticks of a crawl space over our garage and dusting off the crib…too.

Check out the Official Wordless Wednesday HQ
Tag, you're it: Wordless Wednesday

© 2010 This Full House Blog – All Rights Reserved.

July 14, 2010
Independence is a Relative Term

I was 12 years-old when we celebrated the Bi-centennial and, sadly, the only thing I remember from the day is getting these really cool pair of socks.

Oh…look…my first crushes…mostly him (on the left) it's like 1976, all over again!

No, these are NOT the socks (can't find a picture, anywhere) nor, do they have anything to do with Independence Day (so what?) but, I thought I'd share another favorite memory from my preteen years (50 extra points for the 1st person who can ADMIT to being able to name that t.v. show!) as, my parents worked (a lot) soooo, my twin brother and I stayed home and watched A LOT of television.

By ourselves.

Today, my kids also enjoy watching television (perhaps a little more than they should, I know) but, summer vacation is waaaay different (sounding really old, now, I know) from when I was their age.

"Why don't you guys go outside?"

Tell me it's like this at your house, too.

"But, it's toooooo hot!"

Because, I swear, my brother and I would have sold each other, to have a swimming pool…in our backyard.

"Will you come with us?"

Then again, there isn't much that my kids do…by themselves.

Or, without my parents.

"You guys coming over on Sunday, right?"

Their dependency on seeing the kids…me…my brother…every week…can be very trying, at times…especially, on Sundays.

"Absolutely, we will be there!"

Still, seeing my brother, watching him play with my kids, listening to his goofy laugh and then his wife yell at him for acting like, well, a 12 year-old [snicker] and getting the chance to spend the whole day…together…is like a breath of fresh air…really.

And then my father WILL start to cry.

"OMG…what's the matter?"

My mother will shake her head, bite her lower lip and then eventually tears would come to her eyes, too.

"No, really…Apu…what's bothering you?"

He will wipe his eyes and slowly look around the room.

"Nothing…seeing you and your brother together…I'm just happy…and that's all I ever wanted!"

My brother will suggest that we watch Independence Day, for the buh-zillion-th time (my son will be the 1st to agree) and then my mom will, once again, bring up the fact that Hope looks SO MUCH like I did, at her age.

And it will take a while for their words to sink in; eventually, the goosebumps will
hit, along with the realization that maybe my parents are NOT as dependent,
as I thought (go figure!) but, in their eyes, merely exercising their right as grandparents.

Or, getting another chance to celebrate deep pride in their adopted country…through their children's eyes…on Independence Day.

"I got an "A" on my report on Hungary…Papa!"

Aaaand, I can't think of any place I'd rather be, or anything else I'd rather be doing, at the moment.

Other than remembering the fun we had, the last time we visited with my brother and he gave the S.W.A.T. helmet to Hopey, on Memorial Day!

"You know, your mother spent a summer in Hungary AND she needed A LOT of band aids…too!"

Aaaaand, it's like 1976, all over again…sort of.

© 2010 This Full House Blog

July 2, 2010