This Full House Archive

Category: Extreme Home-Do-Over

  • Summer Vacation: The last woman to call me a girl, totally rocks my Grape Nuts- Day 23

    It’s 10 p.m. – do you know where your children are?!?

    [shakes head in disgust]

    In bed, hopefully – unlike mine, who are STILL awake! – but, it’s
    been a stormy night and the hubs is holed up at work, because,
    apparently, lightening struck and fried the bank.

    [blank stare]

    Seriously, the tubes in the drive-thru were flying in and out of the
    tube-flinging thing and all h…e…double hockey sticks broke out and the kids won’t go to sleep, unless I provide them proof that their father is indeed alive and well and not looking like a crispy critter.

    Silence.

    In other news, we spent a lovely day with my good friend, Kate
    and barely made it home, our ownselves – STUPID STORM! – seriously, at one point, the rain and lightning got so bad, it made Little Man cry:

    “I’m too young to fry!!!”

    Thankfully, when it got really bad, I was able to pull off the
    highway and get them something to eat, well, because nothing evokes comfort, like a double cheeseburger and diet Coke!

    “Would you like fries with that, Mamacita!?!”

    [blank stare]

    “What did you call me?”

    [hesitates, then looks at chest]

    “Uh…oh, no…don’t tell me your a DUDE!?!”

    [smiling]

    “Nope.”

    [adjusts bra straps]

    “I guess you’re right…although, I am NO Mamacita…uh, dude…I am ALL Mama!”

    Seriously, birthing four babies, I’ve earned these hips and totally
    enjoy hanging (excuse the pun) with my mommy friends, like Kate, who, it just so happens, I had the good fortune to meet, through blogging, but thinks I rock, anyway.

    So does Believer in Balance – not only will I have the honor of meeting at BlogHer, this month, I will also have the pleasure of calling her…my roomie – and you know what she called me?

    No – a “Rockin Girl Blogger” – shut up!

    [looks at watch]

    So, the hubs is STILL not home and it’s my turn to give five other rockin’ bloggers a nod.

    [rubs neck]

    Okay, I don’t like to follow rules, so much – because, I’m tired,
    cranky and my hair’s totally flopped – I’ve decided to introduce you to five boy bloggers that…um…could totally hang with me and…uh…the girls…and still be man enough to admit…dude, you rock my world!

    Triple Venti
    – LatteMan is a Jersey guy, who’s not afraid to share his thoughts and opinions on, basically, everything and manages to make me think twice before believing, well, anything. He’s smart, he’s funny and he speaks well of his wife – ‘nuf said.

    Silly Old Bear
    – I just want to hug you, squeeze you and call you, “Pooh!” But, don’t let that fool you – the man’s got a quick wit and leaves the funniest comments – hint, hint!

    Blue Sloth
    – Whenever I visit Philip’s blog, I find myself wanting to reach into
    my laptop and give the man the biggest hug. He’s caring for his three children, going through some health issues and still manages to share some of the most beautiful posts I’ve ever read. The pictures with animals of unusual size, not so much.

    Daddy Detective
    – He’s a new read I found through LatteMan (I think) and I just love
    the way he writes…is like watching an episode of Poopie Busters – SDU (special daddy’s unit.)

    Maybe Baby
    – Matt is not a Daddy, yet. They’re trying and I am rooting for him and sending all the baby cooties I can muster! But, it’s obvious that he and his lovely wife will make great parents, one day, soon! Maybe baby, most definitely rocks!

    Speaking of rocks, the hubs is finally home and I need to dish up a
    heaping pile of Grape Nut Pudding – yes, it’s one of his favorites and it IS delicious! – he’s had a heck of day.

    Feel free to visit amongst yourselves – clean off a chair and mind
    the laundry – if you need anything, I’ll be upstairs…ASLEEP!

    [Edited to add: If you’re liking the sound of Grape
    Nut Pudding on a stormy night, or anytime, just scroll down and feel free to snag the recipe. For those of you who’d sooner eat dirt and die, go in peace.]

    ——————————————————————————————————————

    Grape Nut Pudding
    4 cups milk, warmed
    1 cup Grape Nut Cereal
    4 eggs, beaten
    1 cup sugar
    1/4 tsp. salt
    1 tsp. vanilla
    1/2 tsp. cinnamon
    1/4 tsp. nutmeg
    1/4 cup raisins (optional)

    • Preheat oven to 350 degrees
    • In large bowl, soak cereal in milk for 15 minutes
    • Add sugar, eggs, salt, vanilla and spices (and raisins)
    • Mix well
    • Bake for about 60 mins., or until knife inserted in center comes out clean

    Serve warm (or cold) with ginormous dollop of whipped heavy cream and enjoy!

  • Summer Vacation – Mom’s unleashed and dancing with power tools, again – Day 9

    I grew up in a rather industrialized area of Northern New Jersey – I
    know, try not to act so surprised – but, beyond the garden gate, lay a tiny oasis of perhaps the brightest hues and most abundant shades of green in the entire neighborhood.

    If it weren’t for the smells – at the time, drifting over from the
    fully-functional dumps of Staten Island – you’d think we lived in the English countryside.

    Throughout my elementary school years, my father worked for a
    landscaping company and – though, people in the business would say that a landscaper’s grass is seldom green – he spent a lot of his off-hours outdoors and would bring home the occasional stray shrub, or saved many sickly trees from the dumpster and transformed our backyard into one giant nursery, literally.

    No matter how pitiful and droopy a plant looked, he just didn’t have the heart to throw anything away.

    Me?

    Well, there’s some sort of tree and weird type of bush – growing
    behind the pool and blocking out some of the much needed sun’s rays – I’d sooner take a chainsaw to…aaaaaand…then, whack the
    sucker…DEAD…aaaaand…only then, would I mow it down to the
    ground…into tiny bits of…well, much more manageable pieces of mulch.

    But, I can’t.

    Not that I am unable to – my husband has a chainsaw and I do know how to use it – it’s just that, well, my husband simply won’t allow it.

    “You’re dangerous with power tools – you must know that, by now – just wait until I get home!”

    Yes, I know – I am my father’s daughter – unfortunately, time waits for no mommy and I have been known to, you know, break the rules of suburban living – yes, I cut, weed whack AND edge my
    own lawn – and take advantage of every opportunity, where I can unleash my…um…more feral side!

    So, yesterday morning, after I watered the front, the back and
    walked the cat – yes, the poor Old Man has been reduced to enduring the balance of his years spent outdoors, wearing a leash – having declared war against the wild rabbits, I decided to screen the fencing around my vegetable garden.

    Using my husband’s high-pressured and totally cherry staple gun!

    WHAP!

    “Are you coming into the pool?

    WHAP!

    “Yep, as soon as momma finishes this project and it’s going pretty fast, thanks to daddy’s coolest power tool, ever!”

    WHAP!

    I swear, I zipped through the first panel – made up of several
    remnant laths and framed by some leftover 2 x 4 – in no time flat and was nearly done with the second.

    WHAP…MMMZAP…POW!

    When I found myself knocked backwards and flat on my ass!

    “Oh…my…gawd…MOMMMMMEEEEE!”

    What happened?

    Well, suffice it to say that – in the never ending battle of mom vs.
    wild accusations of poolside martinis and drinking play dates – I’d
    consider myself lucky enough to make it through the summer…ALIVE!

    Aaaaand…just what did we learn from all this?

    Well, that metal screening and electric do NOT mix, of
    course…um…aaaaand that my kids can’t be trusted to NOT tell
    daddy…just what did happen to his power tool…lying on top of the garbage…exactly!

    Next week: Further discussion on the joys of living an Amish life and how to survive motherhood, without the aid of
    power tools, or having to throw up a lung, in Jersey.

    After I walk the cat, of course – stupid leash!

  • Parenting Tip #22,915,002: Never underestimate the power of sustainable housekeeping!

    Years ago – before kids and killer dust bunnies took over my brain –
    my husband and I had dinners and entertained a lot (with real food!) and for the “entertainment” portion of the evening, he used to love to play dirty little housekeeping tricks on me.

    “Watch this!”

    [places wine glass on cocktail table]

    “7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2…”

    [places coaster under wine glass and wipes table]

    “Can I get anyone, anything?”

    [lots of giggling]

    “She’s nuts, I tell ya’!”

    Okay, so maybe I used to be a little overzealous about the cleaning – a domesticated freak show, apparently – but, after years of trying to keep up with four kids – not to mention, their laundry – I’ve since removed the Swiffer from out of my butt and adopted my own Full House philosophy in house cleaning.

    Then my kids got older and they all sort of started needing stuff –
    like clothes, shoes and lunch bags – to be, you know, clean and…cough-cough…organized, just to get them to school.

    This time of year, I’m pretty much done with that, too!

    “I need something to make a dessert for a project for my Italian class!”

    Watch this.

    “When do you need it?”

    [biting lip]

    “Um…tomorrow!?!”

    [looks at clock]

    “It’s 8 o’clock on a Sunday night.”

    7,6,5,4,3,2…

    “Are you nuts…nope, I’m not doin’ this…not this time…I am SO done!!!”

    Thing One (a.k.a. Last minute Annie) and her projects have caused more stress on her father and I than, well, all the craft projects we’ve had to put-together, the last minute, for any one of our children, for the passed month, at least!

    “Nope, I am NOT saving your butt, not again!”

    So, we’re on our way back from Stop and Shop – what? – because,
    well, I am a DORK and there wasn’t any sugar in the house – what, NO SUGAR!?! – wait, I’ll let that settle in, for a minute….YES, I take
    sugar in my coffee, thank you…okay, and I’m pretty proud of myself for not, you know, flipping out.

    “Just melt the chocolate chips for about 30 seconds and dip the Stella D’oros in and…”

    Watch this.

    “Oh, CRAP!”

    [grabs forehead as Thing One ducks for cover]

    “I totally forgot Little Man’s diorama is due, tomorrow!”

    7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2…

    SNAP!

    Now, a few years ago, the much younger, yet freakish me would have taken Little Man to the Hobby Shop, gathered all of the materials, necessary to create the perfect ocean environment and even have him pick out the sea life for his aquatic diorama.

    “This is what we’ve got and we’ll make it work!”

    Never underestimating the power of collecting and saving an abundant supply of what seems to be useless crud – not to mention, never having thrown anything away since 1993 – see, I knew this crap would come in handy, some day!

    Meet Humpty, the humpback whale – he’s a handsome-looking mammal (though, it’s hard for you to see his fins fashioned from black construction paper) happily blowing his bubbles (saved from a broken strand of Christmas beads) swimming in a sea of blue sidewalk chalk and hiding amongst the crepe paper sea weed.

    Humpty was most recently moved from Cape May, NJ…

    …and – though, I’ve been teased and chastised for cleaning my house in heels – ever the shoe box Diva, Little Man had his pick and Humpty gots himself a suburban house of pumps; a real fixer upper, go figure!

    Mission accomplished – Humpty’s diorama is TIGHT – and on time; we actually had fun and no animals (or, children) were harmed in the making of yet another gosh-darned school project!

    Let that be a lesson to us all!

    [ring-ring]

    “Hello, Mom…um…it’s me, Little Man…I forgot my project on the kitchen table, this morning…and could you bring it in the next 10 minutes…or, the teacher’s gonna give me a zero!?!”

    SNAP!

    [Next week:  How to alienate yourself from your child’s teacher, and cursing in two different languages, in three easy lessons…or less!]

  • It’s better to have loved and lost, then I’d never have known such simple pleasures, as hanging the laundry!

    I’ve dated a lot of men in my life – some older, some younger and
    one…well…I’m still not quite sure what in the world I was thinking
    – having been raised strictly with a traditional sense of gender
    parity, except when it came to socializing with the opposite sex.

    Herein, my twin brother became my constant companion and the one (and only) time I was “formally” asked out to go anywhere, with another boy, other than my brother, was when my brother’s friend (Michael) escorted me to my high school senior prom.

    Only after I had refused my brother’s other friend, Woody.

    Yes – you see where this is going, don’t you? – it’s tough to be a
    diva, especially when one’s popularity depended upon the generosity of those who one feels no more than…well, one would for her own brother…ew!

    No offense.

    But, I’ve broken many hearts – you see, my brother had A LOT of friends – and only after I was finally able to seriously date, sort of (I was perhaps the only 24-year-old, in the world, with a curfew) I quickly lost all sense of time and self-worth.

    Long story short (I know, too late) when it came to falling in love, I was an absolute DORK!

    Finally, after having made some really bad decisions and having my heart broken – not to mention, being publicly humiliated – for the last time (very badly) I’d given up on ever finding someone, anyone who would ever be happy, or I could make love me, just by being, you know, me.

    Put away the Kleenex – the sob story ends here – suffice it to say,
    that accepting an invitation to dinner and a movie, from my friend’s brother (because, I am such a dating diva!) meeting my husband, with him shaking my hand and looking even more nervous, than I…well, he was a breath of fresh air.

    Two months later, we were engaged (I wasn’t going to let this one go) and three years later, we got pregnant, moved into This Full House of, well…not so much, yet and the rest…um, it wasn’t always easy…but, simply being with someone, who happens to love you, even at your dorkiest, well, it rocks my inner-diva!

    Until.

    “I got you something!”

    I was hot, bothered and sweaty with anticipation!

    [blank stare]

    Having…just…finished…mowing…the…lawn…wouldn’t you?!?!

    “What?”

    He reached into his…HOME DEPOT…sack and whipped out the pinkest clothes line…that I’ve ever seen!

    It matched the the sweet (but, quite prickly) pink tea roses, climbing along the lattice that runs along side my three daughters’ bedroom window, that will fill out nicely, by the time my oldest will be allowed to date…with her little brother in tow – I’m just sayin’!

    Thanks, sweetie – it’s the simple little things that make me happy
    and love you, even more – who says a tired-old-wigged out mommyblogger,
    like me, can’t have a hot pink clothes line, indeed!

    [flips hair and puckers lips]

    Because, I am SUCH a diva!

  • Me, my self-propelled rotary mower and some serious lawn-care eye candy!

    I have already confessed my obsession with cutting the grass and having been dubbed the resident Lawn Mower Mom,
    but never, in my wildest dreams, did I ever imagine a more perfect day, than the last two days, spent outdoors in the glorious sunshine and warm weather that has long eluded us, until now.

    So, I finished up early and ventured out to the backyard with Doofus Dog and made sure he had a nice, shady place to sit under his favorite tree.

    What a sorry sight it was, indeed – typically, I would have had this
    cleaned up and ready for planting by Mother’s Day – but, since I’ve
    started working (semi-part-time) again, such demands on my time have become a luxury. Still. My poor vegetable garden.

    Lord love a duck, would you look at that – no wonder the kids fight me whenever I holler at them, “Go outside!” – a person could catch a bad case of ticks, or lose a small child, in there! Perhaps you’ll understand my reason for concern that I get this darn grass mowed, better, if I told you that my 5-year-old has a play date, with two other 5-year olds, tomorrow, and…um…it was pretty
    obvious to me that we were in desperate need of some serious lawn care.

    No worries, Lawn Mower Mom – along with her trusty self-propelled rotary mower and total lawn care eye candy – was on the case!

    For the love of Brad Pitt, nothing lights my fire, like shaving off
    a few inches of overgrown grass and sweating a couple of pounds, especially before swim suit season officially starts in…ACK!…like, two weeks?…that’s a whole lot of cuttin’ I’d better be doin’, Lucy!

    But, did you happen to notice the ginormous fence – all 400′ feet of it – our neighbors put in, swearing it wasn’t because they, you know, don’t like us, or nothing so un-neighborly as the noise of my running over every thing that happens to be hiding in the tall grass, on our side of the fence. Including plastic bags, half-filled with leaves and twigs, from last fall?!?

    Yes, the grass was that high and even Doofus-dog was
    impressed by my mad lawn mower mommy skillz. Although, he did seem a little confused as to where exactly it was that he should, you know, do his business and barely recognized his favorite pooping ground.

    Oh – there it is – never mind, he’s just a dumb Doofus-dog doing
    what comes naturally and I’ve still got a you-know-what-load of mowing to do, before the kids get home.

    [blank stare]

    Okay – even us super lawn mower mommy-types have our limits – that’s enough, for today. It’s time I head back, clean up a bit and get ready to spend the better part of the afternoon, waiting on one looooooong line, after another, picking up my kids from school.

    Besides, I’m about ready for a nice, tall cup of coffee and already
    packed my travel mug and…look…even Doofus-dog is anxious to go and…um…wait a minute…

    …oh, the humanity…what a waste of good caffeine…the
    agony…Lawn Mower Mom has lost her precious cup of after school mojo…having been defeated once more…and by a big, old Doofus!

    Here’s a lawn mowing tip for you:

    Wear heavy-duty shoes with no-slip soles (I do NOT
    recommend flip-flops) or, risk injuring yourself, while chasing a dumb
    Doofus, or, falling down into a pile of doggy-doo and smelling like
    fertilizer, or both, as the rest of the world, and their mommies, laugh
    at your sorry grass-stained butt.

    It shouldn’t happen to a dog!