I was invited to a neighbor’s house for one of those pampered candle home goods Mary Kay-type thingies and – since, it is one of those rare moments when I actually get to go out of my house…alone…to sit, talk with other moms and drink…you know…grown-up drinks – I ran home from soccer practice (we had two scheduled for Friday before dinner, of course!) took a quick shower, grabbed my stuff, crammed a Dunkin’ Donuts munchkin in my mouth, blew kisses to the kids and reminded my husband that I would most likely be home very, very late.
Who’m I kiddin’?
I nearly fell asleep in the middle of sniffing the votive samples.
I was one of the first ones to show up – she only lives a couple of blocks away from me and did I mention there’d be snacks? – so, I quickly grabbed a seat nearest to the bathroom, made myself comfortable and spent most of the entire night shoo-ing her dog away from my crotch!
What is it with dogs and crotches, anyway!?!
It seems like everytime I make plans or try to get out and have a little fun – and especially if there’s a dog within a few hundred feet – Aunt Flo decides to visit bearing her gifts of killer cramps and a mondo-sized headache!
Seriously - running in ten billion different directions and hoping your body keeps up or your head doesn’t explode – how are we supposed to keep up our end of a conversation (let alone be expected to function) and is it any wonder women can be so…you know…difficult, sometimes!?!
And then there’s soccer moms.
Though, we don’t necessarily watch it in our spare time – okay, here’s where you say, “WHAT SPARE TIME!?!” -Â we’re out there every Saturday morning (sometimes very, very early and with little or no time to get coffee, DAMMIT!) and I’m amazed at how popular soccer has become.
Growing up in a very urban area (about a half-an-hour outside of New York City) all the kids in my neighborhood played baseball, basketball and football – except me.
Not because I wasn’t very good at it – because I wasn’t – but, my parents are from Eastern Europe (where soccer has ruled for, like…forever!) and both working full-time (as well as part-time in the evenings and weekends) didn’t leave them enough time to spend with my brother and I, let alone getting us to a game.
To make a long story short – okay, here’s where you say, “TOO LATE!” - if you think (like my parents) I’m crazy for spending four hours on the soccer fields Saturday…here’s where I say, “No, I’m NUCKING FUTS!”
Because it was sooo hot!
How how was it?
It was so hot that, at 10:00 a.m., Little Man’s ears had already turned a lovely shade of purple -Â 2 1/2 hours before his game even started, smack dab in the middle of the day!
This was Mini-Me’s first soccer game – ever – and she looked so cute, so athletic and…so, you know…unlike me!
And I’ve been coaching her to be a little more aggressive, as well. Telling her to “take the ball” and it’s her ball “all the way to the net.” Though, she did look a whole lot more like me stomping off the field – after stopping in mid-pass with hands on her hips, getting into another player’s face and screaming, “MY BALL!” – after being reprimanded for unsportsmanship conduct.
Women.Â
And we ran out of water.
Â
Well…it was hot…and I only bought Mini-Me’s sippy bottle and one sports-type-drink-thingie…because, I AM A DORK!…and Thing Two was playing an even larger field than last year, which the soccer-powers-that-be didn’t get cut, until that morning! Much coughing, sneezing and wheezing later, I had a whole ten minutes (in between the last two games) to get the rest of the crew home…get more water…and get back in time to watch the last half of Little Man’s game!
See, no sweat!
Until.
“So, Liz…did your husband ever call you?”
Ssssssssssss….BOOM!
“NO, I *&#*ing called him and *&#*ing had the nerve to make another *&#*ing appointment, when I *&#*ing asked him if he could *&#*ing come home, what, with three *&#*ing soccer games, and a *&#*ing* kid puking from the *&#*ing heat on the *&#*ing day I needed him the *#&*ing most and it’s not like I *&#*ing ask for much, anyway!”
[blank stares]
What was I thinking?
Yep, having a complete and total meltdown in front of a bunch of soccer moms, it’s a team effort – you quickly learn to either identify with someone who’s obviously been burning their candle, from both ends….or stand far, far away.
Women.
Me?
I rather like the “in your face” way that Mini-Me chooses to deal with life…and how I get to start it all over again – Holy crap, it’s Tuesday already? – see you at soccer practice!
Comments
18 responses to “Parenting Tip# 1,873,009 – Burning your candles from both ends will NOT keep you from melting on a soccer field!”
Girl you have just reminded me why I am so thankful my kids are grown up!! OMG, I remember those days! UGH!! And my son played football, baseball, & basketball!! My daughter played softball. It was a nightmare!
It does get better, in about 10 years! 😉
Girl you have just reminded me why I am so thankful my kids are grown up!! OMG, I remember those days! UGH!! And my son played football, baseball, & basketball!! My daughter played softball. It was a nightmare!
It does get better, in about 10 years! 😉
My daughter has been asking to play soccer. I may have to rethink this. LOL!
My daughter has been asking to play soccer. I may have to rethink this. LOL!
She is gorgeous. And You are
hilarious.
She is gorgeous. And You are
hilarious.
Oh, the cuteness!
We opted out of soccer this fall, because the kids are too busy. No, actually because I CAN’T TAKE IT. Seriously.
You’re a better woman than I am, meltdown and all.
Oh, the cuteness!
We opted out of soccer this fall, because the kids are too busy. No, actually because I CAN’T TAKE IT. Seriously.
You’re a better woman than I am, meltdown and all.
Heads up, everyone – SUSAN! – I am no better than you…crazier, perhaps…but, no better. Oh, and I am totally A DORK!
Heads up, everyone – SUSAN! – I am no better than you…crazier, perhaps…but, no better. Oh, and I am totally A DORK!
But were the grown up drinks good? And would she think you were a weirdo if you showed up “by accident” this Friday night because you thought there was another party? (ya know…cuz Lord knows you need a break!)
Yea for Mini Me’s first game…it was Caitlin’s first game last Saturday, too. I, too, am a dork and left her water AND the baby’s sippy cup of MILK in the car and it was like 85 degrees out and we had to park and walk forever. Sigh…
Maybe we can start a SMD Club? Soccer Mom Dorks rule!
But were the grown up drinks good? And would she think you were a weirdo if you showed up “by accident” this Friday night because you thought there was another party? (ya know…cuz Lord knows you need a break!)
Yea for Mini Me’s first game…it was Caitlin’s first game last Saturday, too. I, too, am a dork and left her water AND the baby’s sippy cup of MILK in the car and it was like 85 degrees out and we had to park and walk forever. Sigh…
Maybe we can start a SMD Club? Soccer Mom Dorks rule!
p.s. great pictures! hope this weekend’s soccerpalooza goes more smoothly 🙂
p.s. great pictures! hope this weekend’s soccerpalooza goes more smoothly 🙂
Here’s the thing, Jamie.
Everyone seemed to be just as gosh-darned-tired as I was.
We were done and ALL left before 9:30 p.m.!
Bunch of Dorks!
By the way, you are so NOT a Dork – and sorta happen to think you ROCK, actually! – but, I’ll let you join the SMD Club, anyways…because…well…who couldn’t use another BlondeMom in their life!?!
I also nominate we make the “Oreo” our mascot!
Here’s the thing, Jamie.
Everyone seemed to be just as gosh-darned-tired as I was.
We were done and ALL left before 9:30 p.m.!
Bunch of Dorks!
By the way, you are so NOT a Dork – and sorta happen to think you ROCK, actually! – but, I’ll let you join the SMD Club, anyways…because…well…who couldn’t use another BlondeMom in their life!?!
I also nominate we make the “Oreo” our mascot!
child yes good money bankfree yes girls boys money yes yes free yes free yes free yes sad yes eat food eat yes free yes
child yes good money bankfree yes girls boys money yes yes free yes free yes free yes sad yes eat food eat yes free yes