Work It, Mom – one of my favorite blogging communities – linked to a New York Times article about suppressing your emotions when arguing with your husband and how this may NOT be a good idea:
“In men, keeping quiet during a fight didn’t have
any measurable effect on health. But women who didn’t speak their minds
in those fights were four times as likely to die during the 10-year
study period as women who always told their husbands how they felt.”
Talk about timing – I just blogged about this same thing
– a quick synopsis: stupid argument over money and rather than talk-out
our anger, we didn’t speak and even slept in separate rooms, Thursday
night.
Color me another disappointing statistic – let’s see, how many rules
of engagement…er…work-out your marital spats did I break on that one,
huh?!?
Unfortunately, my post had nothing to do with research.
It happened to me. In real time. In front of the kids. In contrary
to everything that I’ve ever taught my children and, at the cost of
sounding like an absolute simpleton, I left my comments here and still stick to my decision.
“Where’s Daddy?”
The kids were ready to celebrate the weekend, it was nearly 8:00
o’clock in the evening – Friday night pizza and movie night, you know –
and Garth (not his real name) usually gets home about now.
“I dunno…but, we can’t wait any longer…EVERYONE IN THE CAR!”
My oldest daughter invited a friend to sleepover – yes, she asked
first and I thought…feh…WHY NOT, what’s one more!?!? – and I was
waiting for Garth (not his real name) to get home, so I could, you
know, leave.
“Do we all get to pick a movie?”
Suuuuure!
“Wow, good thing we got room in the car!”
Riiiiight!
“Are you sleeping with Daddy, or us, tonight?”
WHY NOT!?!?
“Now, what would make you think that?”
Duh.
“Well…Daddy slept in the living room, last night…and he said it was because he was more comfortable on the couch.”
Oh.
“Nope, you guys get the couch!”
Oh, the things I could have said…or, at least can think to say…but,
don’t…NOT out loud…or, in front of the kids, anyway…because, I am
supposed to be, you know, the grown-up!
“Daddy can sleep in the shed!”
In theory, anyway.
“Look, Daddy’s home!”
Swell.
“Let’s surprise him and tell him that he gets to feed FIVE kids, tonight!”
Yes, kids can say the funniest things – don’t look at me, they get
their sarcasm from their mother – and I have no illusions about hiding
our emotions from children…they see…hear…and do, in fact, know exactly
what’s going on.
I, however, had no idea about Garth (not his real name) or, what he
was thinking, coming home so late – it was nearly 9:00 p.m., I think –
and leaving me with the children. Having to explain myself, again. One
of them wasn’t even his, for goodness sake! I was soooo tired of
talking, already.
“Mommy rented us a bunch of stuff!”
We’ve punished each other enough, yes – I mean, he couldn’t even
look at me – so, I just walked into the kitchen and felt…well, I really
don’t know how to explain it…just sort of numb, I guess.
I asked him what the flowers were for and when he explained that they were, indeed, for me, I couldn’t help, but wonder…HUH?
“I read your blog, today.”
Suddenly, I wasn’t so angry…anymore – not that I agree with makeup
presents, much – and we’ve managed to get passed another rough patch
and, yet again, perhaps leave a whole new group of self-proclaimed
experts, dumbfounded – or, not!
.
This time, it was better to just walk away….and blog it.
Comments
24 responses to “This Mom Speaks Up: Or, is it better to just walk away?”
Very sweet of Garth (not his real name).
Very sweet of Garth (not his real name).
Very sweet of Garth (not his real name).
Very sweet of Garth (not his real name).
I went to a naturapath once who told me that women who do not “speak their truth” tend to have thyroid and throat problems from keeping it all inside…
Which would account for why my throat aches when I need to get talking…
Which would make sense that when my grandma would get stressed enough to take a valium, it was because she’d lost her voice (she kept lots of stuff in)
Which would make sense that all through high school, I had tonsilitis – and my dad was probably cheating on my stepmom, and they were living apart, but we weren’t allowed to talk about it to anyone.
The only time in my life I’ve had strep, it put me in bed for 3 weeks – I’d just moved across country and away from a disastrous relationship, while keeping secret many bad choices I’d been making.
Um. I guess, what I mean to say in my whole using your comment section as a confessional is – yeah, I totally believe this – Once I quit keeping my mouth shut … I haven’t had spots on my tonsils in 4 years.
I went to a naturapath once who told me that women who do not “speak their truth” tend to have thyroid and throat problems from keeping it all inside…
Which would account for why my throat aches when I need to get talking…
Which would make sense that when my grandma would get stressed enough to take a valium, it was because she’d lost her voice (she kept lots of stuff in)
Which would make sense that all through high school, I had tonsilitis – and my dad was probably cheating on my stepmom, and they were living apart, but we weren’t allowed to talk about it to anyone.
The only time in my life I’ve had strep, it put me in bed for 3 weeks – I’d just moved across country and away from a disastrous relationship, while keeping secret many bad choices I’d been making.
Um. I guess, what I mean to say in my whole using your comment section as a confessional is – yeah, I totally believe this – Once I quit keeping my mouth shut … I haven’t had spots on my tonsils in 4 years.
I went to a naturapath once who told me that women who do not “speak their truth” tend to have thyroid and throat problems from keeping it all inside…
Which would account for why my throat aches when I need to get talking…
Which would make sense that when my grandma would get stressed enough to take a valium, it was because she’d lost her voice (she kept lots of stuff in)
Which would make sense that all through high school, I had tonsilitis – and my dad was probably cheating on my stepmom, and they were living apart, but we weren’t allowed to talk about it to anyone.
The only time in my life I’ve had strep, it put me in bed for 3 weeks – I’d just moved across country and away from a disastrous relationship, while keeping secret many bad choices I’d been making.
Um. I guess, what I mean to say in my whole using your comment section as a confessional is – yeah, I totally believe this – Once I quit keeping my mouth shut … I haven’t had spots on my tonsils in 4 years.
I went to a naturapath once who told me that women who do not “speak their truth” tend to have thyroid and throat problems from keeping it all inside…
Which would account for why my throat aches when I need to get talking…
Which would make sense that when my grandma would get stressed enough to take a valium, it was because she’d lost her voice (she kept lots of stuff in)
Which would make sense that all through high school, I had tonsilitis – and my dad was probably cheating on my stepmom, and they were living apart, but we weren’t allowed to talk about it to anyone.
The only time in my life I’ve had strep, it put me in bed for 3 weeks – I’d just moved across country and away from a disastrous relationship, while keeping secret many bad choices I’d been making.
Um. I guess, what I mean to say in my whole using your comment section as a confessional is – yeah, I totally believe this – Once I quit keeping my mouth shut … I haven’t had spots on my tonsils in 4 years.
Glad you’re through this rough patch. After all, you could have gotten on Garth (not his real name)’s case about spending so much on flowers. 😉
Glad you’re through this rough patch. After all, you could have gotten on Garth (not his real name)’s case about spending so much on flowers. 😉
Glad you’re through this rough patch. After all, you could have gotten on Garth (not his real name)’s case about spending so much on flowers. 😉
Glad you’re through this rough patch. After all, you could have gotten on Garth (not his real name)’s case about spending so much on flowers. 😉
Maybe it’s a phase with the moon or something. My hubby and I just went through a rough spot also last week. The kiss and make-up part are nice, but I would must rather do it under other conditions 🙂
Maybe it’s a phase with the moon or something. My hubby and I just went through a rough spot also last week. The kiss and make-up part are nice, but I would must rather do it under other conditions 🙂
Maybe it’s a phase with the moon or something. My hubby and I just went through a rough spot also last week. The kiss and make-up part are nice, but I would must rather do it under other conditions 🙂
Maybe it’s a phase with the moon or something. My hubby and I just went through a rough spot also last week. The kiss and make-up part are nice, but I would must rather do it under other conditions 🙂
Dawn,
As you know, it’s not always just about one thing.
This particular incident triggered a lot of other things bothering my husband. And they weren’t all about me, either.
I knew that and it was why I chose to keep my mouth shut.
Teaching our children (especially, the girl babies) that we must be true to ourselves and learn how to speak our minds, thoughtfully is not as easy as it may seem…in black and white…this time, our silence proved to be a very valuable lesson and served us well.
Hey, it got me some flowers – small gestures speak big!
You can vent into my comments, anytime!
Dawn,
As you know, it’s not always just about one thing.
This particular incident triggered a lot of other things bothering my husband. And they weren’t all about me, either.
I knew that and it was why I chose to keep my mouth shut.
Teaching our children (especially, the girl babies) that we must be true to ourselves and learn how to speak our minds, thoughtfully is not as easy as it may seem…in black and white…this time, our silence proved to be a very valuable lesson and served us well.
Hey, it got me some flowers – small gestures speak big!
You can vent into my comments, anytime!
Dawn,
As you know, it’s not always just about one thing.
This particular incident triggered a lot of other things bothering my husband. And they weren’t all about me, either.
I knew that and it was why I chose to keep my mouth shut.
Teaching our children (especially, the girl babies) that we must be true to ourselves and learn how to speak our minds, thoughtfully is not as easy as it may seem…in black and white…this time, our silence proved to be a very valuable lesson and served us well.
Hey, it got me some flowers – small gestures speak big!
You can vent into my comments, anytime!
Dawn,
As you know, it’s not always just about one thing.
This particular incident triggered a lot of other things bothering my husband. And they weren’t all about me, either.
I knew that and it was why I chose to keep my mouth shut.
Teaching our children (especially, the girl babies) that we must be true to ourselves and learn how to speak our minds, thoughtfully is not as easy as it may seem…in black and white…this time, our silence proved to be a very valuable lesson and served us well.
Hey, it got me some flowers – small gestures speak big!
You can vent into my comments, anytime!
As a man, I’m curious why this study didn’t see the suppressing of emotions as having the same negative effect on men? I wonder if this is because women spend more time thinking about their relationships? n the other hand, women usually have friends to discuss things with, while men don’t. I would tink that would add some years to your life.
As a man, I’m curious why this study didn’t see the suppressing of emotions as having the same negative effect on men? I wonder if this is because women spend more time thinking about their relationships? n the other hand, women usually have friends to discuss things with, while men don’t. I would tink that would add some years to your life.
As a man, I’m curious why this study didn’t see the suppressing of emotions as having the same negative effect on men? I wonder if this is because women spend more time thinking about their relationships? n the other hand, women usually have friends to discuss things with, while men don’t. I would tink that would add some years to your life.
As a man, I’m curious why this study didn’t see the suppressing of emotions as having the same negative effect on men? I wonder if this is because women spend more time thinking about their relationships? n the other hand, women usually have friends to discuss things with, while men don’t. I would tink that would add some years to your life.