Years ago – before kids and killer dust bunnies took over my brain –
my husband and I had dinners and entertained a lot (with real food!)
and for the "entertainment" portion of the evening, he used to love to
play dirty little housekeeping tricks on me.
"Watch this!"
[places wine glass on cocktail table]
"7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2…"
[places coaster under wine glass and wipes table]
"Can I get anyone, anything?"
[lots of giggling]
"She’s nuts, I tell ya’!"
Okay, so maybe I used to be a little overzealous about the cleaning
– a domesticated freak show, apparently – but, after years of trying
to keep up with four kids – not to mention, their laundry – I’ve since
removed the Swiffer from out of my butt and adopted my own Full House philosophy in house cleaning.
Then my kids got older and they all sort of started needing stuff –
like clothes, shoes and lunch bags – to be, you know, clean and…cough-cough…organized, just to get them to school.
This time of year, I’m pretty much done with that, too!
"I need something to make a dessert for a project for my Italian class!"
Watch this.
"When do you need it?"
[biting lip]
"Um…tomorrow!?!"
[looks at clock]
"It’s 8 o’clock on a Sunday night."
7,6,5,4,3,2…
"Are you nuts…nope, I’m not doin’ this…not this time…I am SO done!!!"
Thing One (a.k.a. Last minute Annie) and her projects have caused
more stress on her father and I than, well, all the craft projects
we’ve had to put-together, the last minute, for any one of our
children, for the passed month, at least!
"Nope, I am NOT saving your butt, not again!"
So, we’re on our way back from Stop and Shop – what? – because,
well, I am a DORK and there wasn’t any sugar in the house – what, NO
SUGAR!?! – wait, I’ll let that settle in, for a minute….YES, I take
sugar in my coffee, thank you…okay, and I’m pretty proud of myself
for not, you know, flipping out.
"Just melt the chocolate chips for about 30 seconds and dip the Stella D’oros in and…"
Watch this.
"Oh, CRAP!"
[grabs forehead as Thing One ducks for cover]
"I totally forgot Little Man’s diorama is due, tomorrow!"
7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2…
SNAP!
Now, a few years ago, the much younger, yet freakish me would have
taken Little Man to the Hobby Shop, gathered all of the materials,
necessary to create the perfect ocean environment and even have him
pick out the sea life for his aquatic diorama.
"This is what we’ve got and we’ll make it work!"
Never underestimating the power of collecting and saving an abundant
supply of what seems to be useless crud – not to mention, never having
thrown anything away since 1993 – see, I knew this crap would come in
handy, some day!
Meet Humpty, the humpback whale – he’s a handsome-looking mammal
(though, it’s hard for you to see his fins fashioned from black
construction paper) happily blowing his bubbles (saved from a broken
strand of Christmas beads) swimming in a sea of blue sidewalk chalk and
hiding amongst the crepe paper sea weed.
Humpty was most recently moved from Cape May, NJ…
…and – though, I’ve been teased and chastised for cleaning my house in heels
– ever the shoe box Diva, Little Man had his pick and Humpty gots
himself a suburban house of pumps; a real fixer upper, go figure!
Mission accomplished – Humpty’s diorama is TIGHT – and on time; we
actually had fun and no animals (or, children) were harmed in the
making of yet another gosh-darned school project!
Let that be a lesson to us all!
[ring-ring]
"Hello, Mom…um…it’s me, Little Man…I forgot my
project on the kitchen table, this morning…and could you bring it in
the next 10 minutes…or, the teacher’s gonna give me a zero!?!"
SNAP!
[Next week: How to alienate yourself from your child’s teacher, and cursing in two different languages, in three easy lessons…or less!]