Correct me if I’m wrong – go ahead…everyone else does – but, when a person wakes up, suddenly…say, sometime in the middle of the night…to strange sort of beastly sounds…similar with what I believe one would hear…when being chased down by a pack of wild dogs…well, I would venture to guess that most people would reach for something…say, like a shoe, nail file or clothes hanger…anything…that one could use as a make-shift weapon?
Nope, not if you’ve got kids – especially, if there sick – because you already know that…
[clears throat]
…THERE IS NO FIGHTING THE CREEPING CRUD!
It is a drool-drenched beastie – residing in your child’s ears, nose, throat and/or respiratory system – relentless when it attacks and mostly comes out at night.
Some people, however, never learn.
Especially at this time of year, I crack open the windows (just a little) disinfect the heat vents (stupid forced-hot-air!) and hunt down the dust bunnies (you know, the clumpy-killer-kind) in a valiant effort to fend off the phlegm and avoid any and all things ending in “itis.”
Then, I go and do something totally bone-headed…um…like, accept a birthday invitation to one of those party places (read: ginormous germ factories) two weeks before Christmas!?!
Oh – why are you looking so surprised – I should’ve known better…I know…but, it was Mini-Me’s first ever “official” party invitation and she was so excited and…well, I’m a pinhead!
Okay!?!
Fast-forward to 2:00 a.m. (this morning) about the time when the dogs began to bark, the phlegm started to fly and all hell breaks loose.
[throws kid over left shoulder and runs to kitchen sink]
“That’s it…don’t fight it…let it out, Mini-Me…OMG!…”
[sound censored in recognition of joiners]
“…okay…good girl…I think you’re all…OMG!…”
[Linda Blair would be proud]
“…phew!…glad that’s over…that’s a whole lot of…SON-OF-A-BITCH!…”
[Linda Blair’s a wussy!]
“…um…is that all you got!?!”
Mini-Me wheezed, once or twice, before finally catching her breath. She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, coughed once, placed her hands on her hips and answered less…well, dog-like.
“Phew…thanks, I needed that…what’s for dinner!?!”
The creeping crud – yes, she is a BITCH – it ain’t got nothin’ on Mini-Me!
Today, well – having three out of four of my kids home sick and driving each other absolutely crazy with boredom – count me at a loss for finding my Christmas mojo, for sure.
Perhaps, tomorrow will be better.
In the meantime, there’s still 5 more sleeps ’til Christmas, don’t count us out just yet. I’m used to planning last-minute and could always put-together one heck of a canine chorus.
[spraying Lysol before passing out the jingle bells]
Bark like a dog for mommy, ‘mkay!
Comments
9 responses to “Hump Day Diddy Dumbs: The Creeping Crud, She is a Bitch…But, I’m A Total Pinhead!”
Here’s to hoping that all the clan is back to full health in under “5 more sleeps” and your sanity still intact, or…well… at least maintained at current levels
[ducking]
Here’s to hoping that all the clan is back to full health in under “5 more sleeps” and your sanity still intact, or…well… at least maintained at current levels
[ducking]
Here’s to hoping that all the clan is back to full health in under “5 more sleeps” and your sanity still intact, or…well… at least maintained at current levels
[ducking]
‘Bark like a dog for mommy…’
Bah-ha-ha-ha! ROTFL!
I make my daughters take Mucinex when they’re hacking, but only after saying, “I told you to cut back to ONE pack a day when you were TWO, but did you listen to me? Noooo!”
‘Bark like a dog for mommy…’
Bah-ha-ha-ha! ROTFL!
I make my daughters take Mucinex when they’re hacking, but only after saying, “I told you to cut back to ONE pack a day when you were TWO, but did you listen to me? Noooo!”
‘Bark like a dog for mommy…’
Bah-ha-ha-ha! ROTFL!
I make my daughters take Mucinex when they’re hacking, but only after saying, “I told you to cut back to ONE pack a day when you were TWO, but did you listen to me? Noooo!”
LOL, the creeping crud is at our house, too. I’VE GOT IT! It’s the pits. I did want to stop over and wish you a Merry Christmas, though, and a Happy New Year!
LOL, the creeping crud is at our house, too. I’VE GOT IT! It’s the pits. I did want to stop over and wish you a Merry Christmas, though, and a Happy New Year!
LOL, the creeping crud is at our house, too. I’VE GOT IT! It’s the pits. I did want to stop over and wish you a Merry Christmas, though, and a Happy New Year!