Over the years, in an effort to help them succeed socially, my husband and I have tried to teach our children the importance of tolerance, good manners, and being respectful towards others whenever possible.
As adults should, really.
Then, perhaps you’d be surprised to hear that it’s been difficult for us (the hubs and I) to continue to serve as role models, when we (the hubs and I) seem to just…not…like…people…all that much, anymore!
WAIT!
It’s not like we’re going all Tom Cruise, or anything — oh man…there I go again…tempting fate and bringing on the wrath — but…DAYUM!…how some people can get on your nerves, eh!?!
It’s all become so complicated and – I don’t believe I need to remind you just how crazy the world can get — one minute I’m reminding the kids, “Never, ever speak to strangers,” and reprimanding them when they, “Don’t just stand there, say hello to Mr. and Mrs. Neversawyoubeforeinmylife!”
Sigh.
So, then we starting teaching them the difference between a “good stranger” versus a “bad stranger.”
Police officers, babysitters, coaches, teachers and anyone else we explained to be, “Someone mommy and daddy trust and who we know will want to keep you safe,” were good — and, basically, anyone else would simply be considered “strange.”
We talked, role-played and tested them until we were sure that they knew the difference and/or at least understood how important it was for us to know that they could be safe.
The following is perhaps one of a very few accounts of stranger danger…in reverse.
[knock-knock]
“Oh crap –Â don’t answer the door until I crate the dog!”
[7 year old opens door, with light saber in hand]
“IDENTIFY YOURSELF!”
[eyes go wide]
“Um…hiya…IÂ have an appointment.”
[thrusts light saber, aggressively]
“I DON’T THINK SO, MISTER!”
[slams door shut]
“MOOOOOM IT’S UMHIYA AND HE SAYS HE’S SELLINGÂ POY MINTS…AND WE AIN’T BUYIN’ ANY, RIGHT?!?”
No, we weren’t buying any poymints, but I did have an appointment with “carpet guy” and you should have seen the guy’s eyes when I told him, “The dog won’t hurt you, but I’d be more worried about the kid, if I were you, and I’ve got three more of ’em running around…so, don’t wig out or ‘nothin!”
Nope. He thought the kids were “adorable” and swore that he loved dogs…better than some people, actually.
“What’s his name?”
[going over samples]
“Who?”
[pointing towards crate]
“Oh, his name is Rudy…he’s part chocolate lab…part border collie…and part pin-head.”
[smiles]
“Oh, but he’s so cute…why don’t you let him out…I don’t mind.”
[eyes go wide]
“Um…I don’t think you quite understand what the word “pin-head” actually means.”
[shakes head]
“No, really, it’s okay…he’s a good guy…go ahead and let him out.”
[raises eyebrows]
“You think so, huh!?!”
[smiles]
“Absolutely.”
[opens crate]
“Okay…but…uh…you might want to close your mouth.”
But, the poor guy never had a chance…because Rudy was out of the crate, on the guys lap as fast as lightning and Frenching him like a cheap porn star.
And then he just sat there…and listened…as all hell broke loose in the playroom.
[handing him a baby wipe]
“So, shall I introduce you to the rest of the rugrats, or do you wanna make a bet on whether or not my husband goes for the plush, or the more expensive berber!?!”
I’m happy to report that I have since decided to loosen up on the whole good stranger/bad stranger thing and believe that there are times when it is perhaps better to be on the more “offensive” side of things…especially when you’re raising kids!
Oh, and we got a great deal on the berber!
Comments
40 responses to ““A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti!””
Well if any bad guys come to the door, you could just let Rudy French them to death- now why does that sound a bit wrong..
Nat and Petey
Well if any bad guys come to the door, you could just let Rudy French them to death- now why does that sound a bit wrong..
Nat and Petey
Cheap porn star!
I am SO going to try and work that into a sentence soon.
People who visit our house always say it is “stimulating.” I’m guessing they mean that in the same way that peeing on an electric fence can be considered “stimulating,” and almost as likely to be a repeated event.
Cheap porn star!
I am SO going to try and work that into a sentence soon.
People who visit our house always say it is “stimulating.” I’m guessing they mean that in the same way that peeing on an electric fence can be considered “stimulating,” and almost as likely to be a repeated event.
Bahaha! Hey, do you think your method would work with the carpet/furniture cleaner – due to arrive next Monday? I have six kids and 2 dogs! I could work this gig.
Bahaha! Hey, do you think your method would work with the carpet/furniture cleaner – due to arrive next Monday? I have six kids and 2 dogs! I could work this gig.
Hilarious!
Hilarious!
Oh Liz, I LOVE your dog (but not in that way)…
Oh Liz, I LOVE your dog (but not in that way)…
my pinhead is part bordercollie(hellohellohihiI’msogladyou;re home imissedyouhellohellohihiIlveyou)and part irish setter. which makes her a very pretty dog…but up until about 3 years ago she would do the exact same thing.
The electro-shock therapy REALLY helped.
my pinhead is part bordercollie(hellohellohihiI’msogladyou;re home imissedyouhellohellohihiIlveyou)and part irish setter. which makes her a very pretty dog…but up until about 3 years ago she would do the exact same thing.
The electro-shock therapy REALLY helped.
I have retired racing greyhounds- if someone comes to the door, they get off the couch, amble over to see if there’s any pets in it for them, and then go back to sleep. They look so big, strong and (to the uninitiated) threatening, but they’re the biggest couch potatoes. The only way they’d stop a prowler is if they accidentally tripped him trying to get petted.
I have retired racing greyhounds- if someone comes to the door, they get off the couch, amble over to see if there’s any pets in it for them, and then go back to sleep. They look so big, strong and (to the uninitiated) threatening, but they’re the biggest couch potatoes. The only way they’d stop a prowler is if they accidentally tripped him trying to get petted.
Oh, I remember these times. ROFL. Great write!
Oh, I remember these times. ROFL. Great write!
maybe that carpet guy needed a good “bath” 🙂
thankfully my son doesn’t like strangers much so i don’t have to worry about him talking to them… he never does.
maybe that carpet guy needed a good “bath” 🙂
thankfully my son doesn’t like strangers much so i don’t have to worry about him talking to them… he never does.
“Frenching him like a cheap porn star” I haven’t laughed so loud or so long in ages!
“Frenching him like a cheap porn star” I haven’t laughed so loud or so long in ages!
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